Olympics for TFL

Breaking all the health & safety rules known to man for TFL's in-house (station?) magazine (now will you PLEASE stop those annoying Boris announcements on the buses?!?)

Bank robbers & miner birds

Thieving swine!

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 19th February

After playing with several Gypsy/carpark/well-known-cartoon-character-with-explicit drug-reference combinations I figured this illustratory* route would leave me less on the road to future legal action.
On the other hand the consumption of the kind of beer you only get in gold & black cans on public transport slightly appeals to me but purely for the fact of pissing Boris Johnson off. Me? Childish? You bet!
(I'll shut up, you can read the article here)

(Article by Michael Holden)
Having failed to visibly outrage anyone by drinking lager on the tube, the four young men sat opposite me seemed anxious to raise the stakes by talking openly about cannabis. First, though, they had a more immediate problem – one born of their initial transgression.

Man 1 (distressed) "I need a piss."

Man 2 "This isn't our stop!"

Man 1 (leaving the carriage) "I can't hold on. I'll meet you there."

Man 2 "What's up with him? He's only had, like, one pint."

Man 3 (looking at his can of lager) "I swam through my brother's sick on holiday. I thought it was coral at first – it was all in my goggles and shit. This was on the Great Barrier Reef. It's a sick country, Australia."

Man 4 "Fuck Australia!"

Man 2 (holding a bit of paper) "Make the roach nice, that was one of the first things I learned about smoking."

Man 4 "What's that?"

Man 2 (rolling it up) "It's my bus ticket, keep the white bit on the outside, you have to twist it. That way you get feedback."

Man 3 "Back in the day I used to think I was the don. I used to get bare stoned and just watch The Simpsons. Nobody knew. I was 13."

There was no reaction to this, so he upped the ante.

Man 3 "That was before I got expelled."

Man 4 "Do you wanna get off and fight?"

Man 3 "I fight Gypsies in car parks – like on that show."

Man 4 "Downgrade your status!"

With that they were off, checking as they went to see if anyone had noticed them.

Guardian All Ears 13th March

If only tube elocution was was more like this...
...although there's a brilliant announcement at Bank station where THE emphasis is HILARIOUSLY wrong - a bit like those commercials for furniture stores sales where the shop owner has foolishly decided to do it himself rather than pay a proper actor.
Anyone of a certain age from the south east ITV region (always brilliantly shonky & amateurish whether it was TVS, Meridian or whatever) might remember the late night adverts for Folkestone Sunday market where a still photograph with some letraset was over laid with the classic slogan 'bring large bags...& little money, to Folkestone Sunday Market'- they don't make 'em like that any...you get the idea!
Ahem! Article follows...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/mar/13/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)

On a stationary plane the pilot made an announcement explaining that the aircraft must be de-iced prior to take off-hence our delay. He spoke clearly and with authority, this, combined with the implicit reminder that supersonic travel in freezing weather isn't something to be taken for granted quelled the collective sense of displeasure that had been spreading through the cabin. The couple next to me seemed impressed and reassured.

Woman: "They must go to college."

Man: "Who?"

Woman: "The Pilots."

Man: "Eh?"

Woman: "They must get training. In how to talk to people like that. So clearly."

Man: "I used to do that. Make announcements."

Woman: "When?"

Man: "I did work experience on the Victoria line."

Woman: "And they let you make the announcements?"

Man: "I think maybe they did it just to keep us busy."

Woman: "What sort of things did you have to say?"

Man: "Ladies and gentlemen, due to a person under a train at Caledonian Roadthere is no southbound service on the Picadilly line."

Woman: "And you used that voice?"

Man: "No, I used a nicer one. A sort of posh woman's voice."

Woman: (frowning, incredulous) "Let's hear it then…"

Man: (He gave her a look and then used a measured but nonetheless ridiculous tone, like a professional sportsman reduced to playing a pantomime dame, but determined to make a go of it) "Due to a person under a train there is no…"

Woman "Eugh, that's enough."

Man: "It sounds better over the PA.It comes out clearer."

Woman: "I'm glad you never got the job."

Man: "I never wanted it."

She scowled and turned back to her thick book of puzzles, as though they might prove more soluble somehow than the real world, and the man with whom she was about to go on holiday. .