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Saturday, 27 November 2010

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 27th November

Caution this image contains gratuitous zoom lens tumescence & a very feeble pun which I make no apology for...
(Article by Michael Holden)
One of the occasional hazards of writing a column like this is that, sometimes, the people you've written about track you down. Some write in, and others simply lie in wait. For those drinking locally they don't have to wait too long. Happily, the last time this happened the man who crossed the bar wasn't displeased by his depiction. In fact he was anxious that I carried on.

Man "I've got a new one for you."

Me (uneasy, for such assertions, however well-meant, have seldom proved true.) "That's great."

Man "I was in the supermarket."

Me (anxious for detail) "Which one?"

Man "Sainsbury's. Saturday. Late afternoon."

Me "Right."

Man "So I moved into the bakery area, because I'm after a cheesecake."

Me "Uh huh."

Man "Now, ordinarily I would go for the three-for-two thing but I've seen an individual one. I'm about to get it when I get a text, so I take out my phone."

He took out his phone by way of illustration.

Man (amping up the tension) "But! Just as I've done so, the fella behind the counter goes, 'Hey, you cannae take pictures of these."

Me "The cakes?"

Man "The cakes!"

Me "Like a security thing?"

Man "Who knows? But I'm in no mood to argue, so I bought it and then as I'm moving away I say, 'Can I take a photo of it when I get home?"

Me "Did he laugh?"

Man "Not a flicker."

I did, though, and bought him a drink, which seemed like the right thing to do.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Tube dogs

Felt tip dogs drawn in an inebriated state on thetube

Saturday, 20 November 2010

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 20th November

(Article by Michael Holden)
Rush hour found me standing near a young couple seated on an underground train. They were headed for the airport and had the luggage to prove it. While others struggled gamely around their bags, the man hid his head in the free paper while she – with their baby strapped to her chest – talked about last night's TV.

Woman "I saw that Banged Up Abroad thing. It's scary what happens to these people. They're not like long-term pushers or anything. But they end up in all kinds of trouble."

Man (emerging from the paper) "Eh?"

Woman "That thing I watched. The people in prison overseas. It's terrible. It really scared me."

Man (vaguely) "Yeah."

Woman (fixating on bad things happening at airports and nodding toward the baby) "We won't have to put him through physio will we?"

Man "Physio?"

Woman "X-ray. I mean x-ray."

Man "No."

He opened the paper to show her an advert for a new film and pointed out an actress.

Man "Do you like her?"

Woman "She's got fatter. Fatter round the mouth."

Man (turning the page to an advert for a digital tablet) "They're really pushing these at the moment."

On the next page was a huge picture of a badly burned man.

Woman "WHAT'S THAT?"

Man "He ran through a bonfire."

Woman "WHY?"

Man (gleeful) "As a dare."

Woman "Oh no."

She looked away, rocked the baby and held it closer to her as if to shield it from all the idiocy of the world. I wished them luck.

Friday, 19 November 2010

Disturbing discoveries...

Unfortunate gentleman upon discovering his nostrils are merely drawn on...

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Felt tip monster #2

...& another (part of an occasional series)

Felt tip monster #1

Creatures made of pure felt tip...grrrrr

Saturday, 13 November 2010

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 13th November

No nice animals were harmed in the making of this image.
(only a few nasty ones)
(Article by Michael Holden)
The morning after Halloween, the local pub's landlady was up a ladder, dismantling extensive decorations from the weekend, while one of the hardcore locals, a guy of around 65, finished a pint and looked up from his newspaper.

Man "Can I have another?"

Woman (from up on the ladder) "Help yourself."

He moved behind the bar, poured a drink and sat down again.

Man (looking at his beer) "I'm gonna stop drinking."

Woman "Why?"

Man (joking – but not entirely) "It says in the paper it's worse than crack. I reckon I'm gonna get into crack, go up a crackhouse."

Woman "Good luck."

Man "I reckon it's cheaper."

Woman "It won't be any cheaper than that – you ain't paid."

She came down carrying a decorative witch's cat and bunch of fake webs.

Man "That looks like my cat."

Woman (shocked) "You have a cat?"

Man "It's a bit feral. It follows me to the other pub, starts meowing, all that. So I feed it this and that. But then it goes off on a killing spree. Eats anything."

Woman "What like?"

Man "The other day it got a squirrel, then it walked past the pub with its tail sticking out of its mouth, trying to get it down. My mate, you know him, he's in a bad way. He thinks it's got two tails. It rattles him, he can't figure it out. Thinks he's imagining it."

Woman "And?"

Man "He's gone to rehab."

Woman "You didn't tell him?"

Man "Didn't want to break the spell."

Woman (fetching down more occult trinkets) "Fair enough."

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

'unwelcome space jazz'

Was just listening to Brian Eno on the wireless talking about imaginary musical genres...I'd love to hear some unwelcome space jazz!

(see also 'random thud'

Bastard suit

Wonderful quote from the Dr Feelgood documentary Oil City Confidential...

Saturday, 6 November 2010

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 6th November

Yep! I'm available for tattoos & children's parties too!
- the knuckle tattoo 'toys' hails from a situation in a Brighton bar where upon being ejected from the premises by the door security the ejectee turned to said bouncer, held his fists up & loudly exclaimed 'What do you think these are?!? F*CKING TOYS??!?!'
Anyway, article follows shortly...

(Article by Michael Holden)
I was on a bus one evening as it stopped by the local fair. A man
boarded, came and sat upstairs directly in front of me, although we
were the only passengers. He looked a lot like someone who might work
at the fair, although I always thought having access to a vehicle
would be one of the perks of such employment. Either way, he was up on
the bus when he started talking, initially to himself, facing his
reflection in window.

Man 1 “I wish this driver would hurry up. I’ve only had two hours
sleep. I did nine hours on the rides. Can’t be strapping kids in if
I’m tired. Health and safety. Health and safety! Can’t sleep. Can’t
sleep in that room. Full of car boot stuff…every weekend. I’m gonn
have to have a word with her. And the spare room. She won’t shift it.
Every weekend…more and more.”

At the next stop a man got on with his young son, who was holding a
massive blue bear, the sight of which was enough to nudge the first
man from his monologue.

Man 1 “Been to fair?”

Man 2 “Yeah.”

Man 1 (addressing the kid) “Win that, did you?”

Kid (proudly) “Yeah.”

Man 1 “I’ll tell you how clean them bears.”

Kid “How?”

Man 1 “ What you want is a polythene bag full of bicarb. Like a
carrier bag. Stick the bear in and shake it up, give it a good shake.
It’ll come out good as new. It works better if you got a few of them.”

Kid “Bags?”

Man 1 “Bears.”

Man 2 (to his son) “You remember that now.”

Man 1 “You’ll have to go back and win some more.”

Man 2 “Yeah. We will”

Kid “Really?”

Man 2 “Maybe.”

Good luck, I thought. Just keep an eye on who’s strapping you into the rides.