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Thursday, 21 August 2008

Guardian All Ears 16th August

Also finished at breakneck speed prior to going to Japan - ha ha! I LOVE GOTHS THEY'RE ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!

I was a shocked on a recent cinema visit to find that the process of buying a ticket had become totally automated and that there was no human being in the lobby who could tell you about anything other than the price of sweets. The queue for these refreshments was thus horrendous, but, thirsty as I was, I had to join up and wait. As I wrestled with the familiar sensation that everything that makes life bearable is being systematically destroyed, I noticed that the couple in front of me were talking about television.

Man “ Did you see Panorama, about how china are funding the Sudan? Brilliant! The trouble is China will never go on the record as saying anything.”

Woman “Well they just do things differently?”

Man “Yeah, but still…”

Woman “It’s just a different mind set, the Chinese mind set.”

Man “I suppose.”

Woman “ I took the boys to Camden, they absolutely loved it, Max bought a sort of a cap.”

Man “They’ll turn into little Goths.”

Woman “They were saying, ‘everyone here is crazy, if you dressed like this at home you’d get slated’. And it’s true”

Man “Do the kids take after you, you think?”

Woman “Well they are very open minded.”

Man “Meaning what?”

Woman “I mean I took them for an Ethiopian meal last night and they thought it was great ”

Man “I can’t stand that place.”

Woman “There you go then.”

Article by Michael Holden

Guardian All Ears 9th August

Finished at breakneck speed before heading off to Japan...

Sometimes when I travel by train I swear won’t subject myself to the conversations of strangers and instead listen to music through headphones designed to block out all ambient sound. But if I can still see people talking then eventually I have to know what they’re on about, and so it was that I found myself bound for the south coast turning down my music and tuning into the private drivel around me again.

Man: (holding an open book, but seldom reading from it) “I’ve had my bike stolen, in broad daylight, outside Waterstones.”

Woman: (setting aside a magazine) “I’ve left mine for three days at Euston, and it’s been fine.”

Man: “You were lucky.”

Woman (matter of factly) “There are about 500 bikes there.”

Man: “Maybe I was unlucky.”

Woman: “Maybe.”

There was a pause while they weighed all this up.

Woman: “I’m going to Finland again.”

Man: “That’s great.”

Woman: “’I’ve got a friend who lives in the middle of a lake. It’s amazing.”

Man: “What do you mean, ‘lives in a lake?’”

Woman: “On an island.”

Man: (perhaps expecting a more Arthurian explanation) “Oh.”

Another pause, then the woman poked at her reflection in the window.

Woman: “I can only be smart (+I)and(-I) comfortable if I’m wearing black.”

Man “What are you wearing tonight?”

Woman: “Black. You know what she’s like, she won’t be happy unless everyone’s wearing an long dress.”

Man: (maybe anticipating an evening of reluctant transvestism ahead) “Yeah. I know exactly what it’s like.”

Article by Michael Holden

Saturday, 2 August 2008

Things I hate (slight return)

Jeremy Kyle*...Is 'absolutely fucking despise' putting it too strongly?

* See previous post

Guardian All Ears 2nd August

Have also managed to squeeze in a picture of the odious Jeremy Kyle* into thew background of this illustration because every time I'm in a hospital waiting room this sort of soul rotting programme is on the TV

(* unless you're a) unemployed b) a student c) freelance with weird working hours you will hopefully have been spared this hideous man & have no idea what I'm going on about)

Anyway...the article follows...

Spend enough time waiting in hospitals and you find yourself noticing that your fellow patients can be split into distinct types, each having developed different behavioral traits based on the extent and nature of their experiences with the health service. A recurring character is the “Angry Optimist” who believes the way to overcome long waiting times is through verbal indignation based on a sense of perceived injustice. Though they may have a point, it is far from the Zen mindset required to wait four hours for an appointment you were half an hour early for anyway, as the two people I watched unravel last week demonstrated.

Woman:(in her 70’s, indignant) “I was first here, we should be the first to be seen. Why are other people called first?”

Receptionist:“That’s not how the clinic works.”

Woman:(dentures clacking softly) “Where’s the girl what’s normally here?”

Receptionist: (with audible envy) “She’s moved to the pharmacy.”

Woman: “But these lot have got 8.45 appointments, ours is for 8.30”

Receptionist: “There’s nothing I can do about that.”

Man: (the woman’s husband, who it transpired was the one who had the appointment) “Yeah, just sit down.”

The woman sat down but carried on complaining quietly to the man until he’d eventually had enough.

Man: (shouting) “What do you want me to do about it?”

Woman: “But we were here first. Where are you going?”

Man (walking off) “Nowhere.”

Woman “Say something to them.”

Man (almost in tears) “Will you shut up for five minutes? Will you please just shut up and stay out of my head?”

That did the trick. Five minutes later they called his name.

Article by Michael Holden