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Saturday, 30 October 2010

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 30th October

On reflection would have liked to have added a penguin into the mix,
I like penguins. End of.
(article by Michael Holden)
By giving us what we thought we wanted whenever we wanted it, supermarkets have bred a reciprocal brand of super anxiety. Listen closely, and the aisles hum with a discontent peculiar to the resentment of dreams fulfilled. Down by the fresh meat fridges, I found two men bemoaning the very air that they breathed.

Man 1 (sifting through the giblets) "It's cold in here."

Man 2 "Colder than it used to be?"

Man 1 "For sure. You come in here in summer with a T-shirt on and you have to run round, get out before your core temperature plummets down."

Man 2 (pulling at his ears) "I can feel it in my ears. My ears are cold. That never used to happen."

Man 1 "It's just daft. Think about the energy."

Man 2 "It's unpleasant, is what it is. Maybe it's to keep you moving. Get you in and get you out. Like the fucking Crystal Maze.

Man 1 "On ice."

Man 2 "Exactly!"

Man 1 "It's gotta be a preservation thing. They fly this stuff in from wherever the fuck – Argentina – everybody hates that. So they have to keep it as long as possible, drop the temperature of the whole store."

Man 2 "That can't be good."

Man 1 "It's like I said: the energy."

Man 2 (grabbing a lump of meat and reckoning its heft as though he might use it as a weapon) "It all comes down to energy."

Man 1 "We should go somewhere else."

Man 2 (holding the joint at eye level and staring directly at it, Hamlet-style) "There isn't anywhere else though, is there?"

Man 1 "Not that I know of. Not round here."

Thursday, 28 October 2010

A hat made of noise

The hat with fury inside

From a small ads mis-print, think it was supposed to read 'furry'- perils of sloppy spelling kids!

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Bat skint

Our hero faces up to the reality of budget shopping...

(drawn during a spectacularly pointless meeting with my bank)

Decisions, decisions...

We've all been afflicted by the eternal 'which nose' conundrum haven't we?

Oh...just me then.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Atomic Kitten

Yep! Just that. Move along, nothing to see here

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Funnel Cat

The funnel of shame : (

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 23rd October

Funnily enough I saw a perfect ageing '70s throwback skinhead in Bethnal Green this morning - maybe there's a reserve somewhere where old youth cults go to live & occasionally let them out on special occasions...oh sorry, what's that you say? It's called Camden Market?
The more decrepit (& geeky) of you might also notice that the phone number I used is the old Swap Shop number - brings up scary visions of sex with the ghost of Noel Edmonds past - enjoy your breakfast!

(Article by Michael Holden)
Although the calibre of their contents may fluctuate, galleries remain a reliable source of strangers' conversations. Like people leaving the cinema, people staring at art like to discuss what they've seen. Sometimes, though, the more intriguing dialogues come from events unrelated to the pictures.

Man 1 (returning) "You see that graffiti?"

Man 2 "In here?"

Man 1 "No. In the toilet. I couldn't believe it. It's like going back in time."

Man 2 "How do you mean?"

Man 1 (spelling it out with his finger) "It says, 'NF', like the two letters, together. And then, 'Gay sex.' And then there's a phone number."

Man 2 "A mobile?"

Man 1 "Maybe, I dunno. What do you care?"

Man 2 "Well, it tells you how old it is, to a degree."

Man 1 "Either way, it was still like something you'd see in the 70s. Sort of thing people would write when you were growing up."

Man 2 "I guess those things are sort of timeless."

Man 1 "Nationalism and homosexuality?"

Man 2 "Are the NF still going?"

Man 1 "Well, they are in here."

Man 2 "Maybe it's art. Like an installation. We could ring the number."

Man 1 "What, you think Charles Saatchi's on the other end, going, 'Well done, you've spotted the art.'?"

Man 2 "What's the worst that could happen?"

Man 1 "Plenty."

Man 2 "Just say you've got the wrong number."

Man 1 (moving on) "No."

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

BBC Spending Review...

In the face of government cuts surely the BBC could buy into Cameron's 'Big Society' by replacing highly paid soap opera actors with volunteers clad in this stylish collection of t-shirts?
(Also available in 'Period Drama' & 'Shakespearean Tragedy')

Saturday, 16 October 2010

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 16th October

Having been brought up at the seaside I know everything about fish & chips - FACT!
Read the article here
(article by Michael Holden)
The good fish and chip shop near me is and always has been run by a couple of contrasting dispositions, which, as they get older, seem ever more pronounced. She grows more talkative, while he becomes more contemplative, staring hard into the fryer, eyes on some unknown horizon. A look I call "thousand cod stare". He was doing this again the last time I went in, and then eventually he spoke.

Him "I wish I was somewhere hot."

Me (facetious, going for the cheap joke) "It's hot in here!"

Him (wearily) "I mean a country."

Me (busted) "I know, I know. You been on holiday?"

Him (getting into his stride, making his own joke) "I got something mapped out. Can't take the wife, though. What about you?"

Me "I was in Egypt in February."

Her (like I deserved to go away more often) "That was a long time ago."

Me "It was warm, though."

Her (having none of it) "But you come back and it's cold."

Me "It was cold before I went."

Him "You like it?"

Me (wanting to sound clever) "I like all that part of the world, you can see why they're always fighting over it."

He gazed into the boiling fat and then scooped out my dinner.

Him (with resignation, as though explaining great truths to an imbecile) "But the problem is: the big fish eats the little fish."

Me (words leaving mouth of their own accord) "Mostly, yeah. I suppose. I dunno."

His wife handed me my fish and he looked at me as if to say, "You just don't get it, do you?" And I'm still not altogether sure that I do.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 9th October

Quite fond of this one despite virtually having to draw it twice due to a subtle mix of computer balls-up & a little touch of vintage f***wit-ery from yours truly...oops!
(Article by Michael Holden)
The idea that once you have paid for something you are entitled to complain about it is much in evidence at the gym, where whining about the facilities has become wildly popular of late. The nerve centre of this discontent is the steam room, itself a source of perennial complaints.

Man 1 (always complaining) "They blame it on the pipes. You never know, though. I think it's the door. You'd think people would have the common decency to shut the door!"

Man 2 (recently roped in) "Well they could put a spring on it."

Man 1 "It's a waste of resources, really. Take all the water in the pool. I mean, once it's full it's OK, you just recycle it, but filling it up …"

Man 2 " I Probably wouldn't use that much water in a year."

Man 1 "I've cut my consumption right down. I don't use the shower at home. I come here and use the shower most days."

Man 2 (pondering that) "Right."

Man 1 "I've got two sinks but I've narrowed it down so I only use one of them. My washing machine broke, and I didn't replace it. I figured out I could pay £400 and have a new washing machine or I could start going to the launderette. There's one 30 seconds' walk from me."

Man 2 (in auto response) "Yeah."

Man 1 "I go every two or three weeks. It works out around a fiver. So at that rate I'm ahead for about four or five years I reckon. And that's before you factor in the cost of the electricity. So I've lost the machine and I've got a load more storage space now."

Man 2 (seemingly sincere) "That's brilliant."

Man 1 (attentive to the bigger picture) "Yeah, but, I also stink."

Friday, 8 October 2010

Anger - new animation

A short piece I designed & directed at Picasso Pictures for Reach Out - one of several shorts using the experiences of real teenagers dealing with various issues.
Produced by Melissa Venet at Picasso Pictures
(huge thanks to Sophie Lodge for CGI & motion tracking)
You can see it in higher quality here

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Live painting @ Graffik 6th October

Another image from last night

Live painting @ Graffik 6th October

The exhibition at the Graffik Gallery on Portobello Road concluded with a really fun live painting session in the backyard where myself & Lewis Campbell shook paint at each other & generally had a great night. Big thanks to Lewis for letting me show some work in his exhibition, everyone at Graffik, & everyone who came along to see the work!
You can see more of Lewis' work here

Saturday, 2 October 2010

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 2nd October

I seem to have been drawing a lot of animal / bus concoctions of late...must be something in the air...I research my demographics very thoroughly you know*
(*possibly a fib)

(Article by Michael Holden)
At a bus stop around 5pm two women, acquainted by their journey home, were discussing the lateness of the previous day's transport, a trip that one of them had missed out on and whose details the other eagerly relayed.

Woman 1 "Well it was packed."

Woman 2 "Because of the delay?"

Woman 1 "Because of the delay, so I had to go upstairs."

Woman 2 "I can't get up there any more. My legs won't have it."

Woman 1 "Well I'm not keen, but of course, once you get up there, the view looks very different, you see all kinds of things."

Woman 2 (sceptical) "Maybe."

Woman 1 "Up by London Road, you can see into one of the gardens, and there's two Shetland ponies kept there!"

Woman 2 "No!"

Woman 1 "Just there in the garden."

Woman 2 "You'd think the RSPCA would get involved."

Woman 1 "Well you wonder. I wondered if maybe the person had some land somewhere and they were just resting them there, I don't know."

Woman 2 (having none of it) "You'd think the animal rights would be on to them."

The bus arrived.

Woman 1 "We can sit upstairs if you like, maybe they're still there."

Woman 2 (after due consideration) "No."

I went to the upper deck, scanned backyards for tiny horses and saw none. And by the time my stop came the women had gone, too. Still, I have my mission for the autumn now – find the ponies. Exactly the kind of futile obsession that makes life bearable.