The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 28th August

This is apparently my 111th All Ears illustration for The Guardian Please wash your hands after reading / looking
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/aug/28/michael-holden-all-ears

(Article by Michael Holden)
Despite subconscious attempts to repel them, two men, both talking on telephones, sat across from me on the train. When they had hung up, one of them said he had to go to the toilet, as though the excitement of telling people over the phone that he was on a train was more than he could bear. When he came back though, his face was ashen.

Man 1 "Alright?"

Man 2 "It's dreadful in there."

Man 1 "They're never as bad as they used to be."

Man 2 "They are. The only difference is that these days, disabled people get to see how bad they are as well."

Man 1 "Maybe it was disabled people who messed it up?"

Man 2 "Either way …"

Man 1 "I best not go then. I'm getting really uptight about hygiene

these days. If it's that bad, it could push me over the edge."

Man 2 "The edge of what?"

Man 1 "Reason. The other day I took extra paper towels from a dispenser, and wrapped them around my hand before I opened the door."

Man 2 "It's all this MRSA gel, it makes you paranoid."

Man 1 "I'm more worried about becoming obsessively hygienic than I am about getting sick. I did that paper towel without knowing I'd done it. It was only after I'd come out of the bathroom that I realised what I'd done. I thought, 'This is how it starts, you're becoming like Howard Hughes.'"

Man 2 "Without the money."

Man 1 "He used to horde his piss in jars."

Man 2 (after some consideration) "What did his wife say."

Man 1 "I don't think he had one."

Guardian All Ears 30th January

Coming from a home town where street drinking is somewhat of an ancient tradition I rather warmed to this week's column...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jan/30/clubs-michael-holden-all-ears

(Article by Michael Holden)
No matter what our circumstances, we are always alert to the notion that someone might be encroaching on them. I was in the library, sharing a table with two men who use the place to keep warm, when they began talking about a group of eastern European men whose attempts to use the facility for similar purposes had begun to cause friction with the indigenous community of no fixed abode.

Man 1 (looking across at the other table) "They're drinking again."

Man 2 (following his gaze but less intently) "Oh, aye."

Man 1 "They're gonna get us all kicked out."

Man 2 "You reckon?"

Man 1 "They don't take care of themselves. I see 'em on the streets; they'll drink till one of them falls over. Then they have to go to hospital. Then the others'll come and visit. You know what happens then?"

Man 2 "What?"

Man 1 "That stuff they have on the wards, the MRSA handwash? They nick that and drink it."

Man 2 "That'll fuck you up."

Man 1 "Cranial bleeding, haemorrhage. That said, it's not too different from your white cider; that's never been near an apple, you know that?"

Man 2 (sensing he was being chastised) "Yeah, I am aware of all that."

Man 1 "So that's the cycle: hospital, handwash, back into hospital again. And who do you think's paying for it?"

Man 2 (smiling) "When did you last pay any taxes?"

Man 1 (ignoring that inquiry and returning to his theme) "They're gonna get us all kicked out if they're not careful."