The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 4th September

Reverse Santa...see what I did there? Not my cleverest one I'm afraid! (faintly odd drawing Santa outfit in August while preparing for Carnival too)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/sep/04/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
In a coffee shop on Saturday, two men were catching up on what they'd been up to during the week. The question of their attendance at the party of a mutual friend came to dominate the agenda.

Man 1 "What was your excuse?"

Man 2 (smiling, untouchable) "I was in Germany."

Man 1 (envious) "Right."

Man 2 "You survived then?"

Man 1 "Well, I bailed out early. With a crowd like that you know what you're in for. It's terrifying, really. Blokes who've been at it for over 30 years, some of them with their sons now – who look just as mental …"

Man 2 "How was the food?"

Man 1 "Shit, as always. But they took the money off you at the door. I tried to get as much of it down as I could to get my money's worth. And then later on the drugs are kicking in and no one's interested. Piles of it just sitting there."

Man 2 "What did you get him?"

Man 1 "Burned a CD."

Man 2 "And what did he make of that?"

Man 1 "Couldn't tell – he did the old reverse Santa."

Man 2 "What's that?"

Man 1 "You bring someone a present, they don't look at it and just chuck it in a sack and fuck off at the end of the evening."

Man 2 "I hate that!"

Man 1 "Me too, but then, what can you do?"

Man 2 "And that's the reverse Santa?"

Man 1 "That's what I call it."

Man 2 "Do you mind if I start using that?"

Man 1 "No, feel free. Take it, say nothing and fuck off with it. It's what anyone else would do." •

Venus Quiff Trap

East...

...always relieved to see that East London is still holding its own in the silly outfit / hair stakes

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 28th August

This is apparently my 111th All Ears illustration for The Guardian Please wash your hands after reading / looking
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/aug/28/michael-holden-all-ears

(Article by Michael Holden)
Despite subconscious attempts to repel them, two men, both talking on telephones, sat across from me on the train. When they had hung up, one of them said he had to go to the toilet, as though the excitement of telling people over the phone that he was on a train was more than he could bear. When he came back though, his face was ashen.

Man 1 "Alright?"

Man 2 "It's dreadful in there."

Man 1 "They're never as bad as they used to be."

Man 2 "They are. The only difference is that these days, disabled people get to see how bad they are as well."

Man 1 "Maybe it was disabled people who messed it up?"

Man 2 "Either way …"

Man 1 "I best not go then. I'm getting really uptight about hygiene

these days. If it's that bad, it could push me over the edge."

Man 2 "The edge of what?"

Man 1 "Reason. The other day I took extra paper towels from a dispenser, and wrapped them around my hand before I opened the door."

Man 2 "It's all this MRSA gel, it makes you paranoid."

Man 1 "I'm more worried about becoming obsessively hygienic than I am about getting sick. I did that paper towel without knowing I'd done it. It was only after I'd come out of the bathroom that I realised what I'd done. I thought, 'This is how it starts, you're becoming like Howard Hughes.'"

Man 2 "Without the money."

Man 1 "He used to horde his piss in jars."

Man 2 (after some consideration) "What did his wife say."

Man 1 "I don't think he had one."

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 21st August

I'd just like to point out that I'm extremely fond of giraffes & other aminals & I do not condone the shooting of them - this is only a picture IT'S NOT REAL!*
(*subtitled for the hard of thinking)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/aug/21/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
As is often acknowledged in this column, cab drivers are the commandos of casual conversation; the rest of us are just parachuting in when the groundwork's been done. I had the good fortune last week to be sat near one in a cafe as he shared stories of his fares' safari antics with his friends.

Man 1 "I been busy bringing the Americans in and out, been a few years now. I know some of them quite well."

Man 2 "What are they like?"

Man 1 "All right, well there's one I thought was all right. He was telling me how he likes to shoot things … animals. He goes over to Africa and has a go at anything that moves."

Man 2 "That still happens?"

Man 1 "Very much so. I'm not one to judge, but then he says he's getting hammered for freight costs, cos he flies all these things back over there and has 'em stuffed!"

Man 2 "Yeah?"

Man 1 "Oh yeah. I said, 'How does your wife feel about that?' And this is what really got to me, he says: 'She loves it. Her life's ambition is to shoot a giraffe.'"

Man 2 "A giraffe?"

Man 1 (solemn) "A giraffe."

Man 2 "I don't get it. At what point in someone's life would they wake up in the morning and say, 'I know what I need to do before I die. I know what's been missing. I got to shoot me a giraffe!'"

Man 3 "What's the psychology behind that? Is she really small?"

Man 2 "That could be it."

Man 3 "Or is it that their heads are small, and a long way away?"

Man 1 "A fucking giraffe, though?"

Man 2 "Unbelievable."

planet headed man...

...currently holding lighter aloft at Elton John concert whilst clutching commemorative rocket souvenir

vehicules

take note...this IS the transport of the future