Guardian All Ears 24th July

Deficit or no deficit...you gotta buy a Smugaboo©
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/24/michael-holdens-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
If you thought all the people who know exactly how the world works and yet seem miraculously uninvolved in actually solving any of its problems were confined to the Internet, think again. Off for a haircut, I wound up in a chair next to one of them, and spent the entire trim noting the abundance of sharp objects in the vicinity and the lack of legal ways in which one might persuade him into silence with them.

Man "There's no deficit. The whole thing's a bloody myth, a sham."

Barber "You think?"

Man "It's obvious. You wait. It's just a way for the government to renege on its responsibilities. There's plenty of money there, I can assure you."

Barber "I dunno …"

Man "I mean, what are they gonna do. Just tell all these single mothers that they have to go and find a job?"

Barber "Yeah. Why not?"

Man "Really?"

Barber "Yeah. That's real life."

Man "You're a hard man!"

Barber (who's Thai) "Tough times all over. You want to come here from Thailand now, you need £20,000."

Man "Really?"

Barber "That's a million baht."

Man "That's a pity, cos you guys are great. I mean, you're the kind of people that should be encouraged."

Barber "Why would I wanna come over here and spend a million baht on your single mother?"

Man "Well, that's what I'm saying. You shouldn't have to, because the money's there …"

Barber "Teach your single mother to cut hair."

He had no immediate answer for that. No doubt his trenchant online persona would formulate an answer in due course.

Guardian All Ears 19th July

I drew this before the World Cup final & (unlike Paul) I wasn't chancing my arm(s?) on a prediction - (& no paella recipes y'hear?)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/17/michael-holden-all-ears

(article by Michael Holden)
Even in pubs where football is not shown, the miasma of related popular opinion still wafts under the door.

Drinker 1 "Seen the octopus on the TV?"

Drinker 2 (sarcastic) "You mean Paul?"

Drinker 1 "Eh?"

Drinker 2 "The fucking World Cup octopus, it's called Paul."

Drinker 1 "You've seen it, then?"

Drinker 2 (annoyed) "'Course I've seen it."

Drinker 1 "What do you reckon to it?"

Drinker 2 (joking again) "I reckon it knows exactly what's it doing; it knows exactly what's going on. It's fucking laughing at us."

Drinker 1 (as if regarding something sublime) "It picks the winners …"

Drinker 2 "After careful consideration?"

Drinker 1 (attentive to his companion's disdain) "It's just a bit of fun, you know?"

Drinker 2 "You think you're any different, the decisions you make? 'Oh, I'll have another pint of lager.' You think you've got the edge on Paul?"

Drinker 1 "How do you mean?"

Drinker 2 "I mean we're no better. Stick a thing in a jar and give it an option; everybody thinks it's hilarious. And if they're laughing then they can forget they're in a jar of their own."

Drinker 1 (missing the point and trying to keep things amiable) "It has its own tank."

Drinker 2 (hostile) "How's your tank?"

Drinker 1 "Eh?"

Drinker 2 (catching himself) "Forget it, I got carried away."

Drinker 1 "It's just a bit of fun, you know?"

Drinker 2 (unamused) "Yeah, I can see that now."

Guardian All Ears 12th July

Chocolate-y!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/10/michael-holden-all-ears-chocolate#
(Article by Michael Holden)
In a coffee shop, a heavily tanned woman fielded questions about her holiday from a friend who appeared almost luminous in comparison.

Woman 1 "How was it then?"

Woman 2 "Absolutely fantastic, just what we needed. And the people were brilliant, couldn't do enough for you."

Woman 1 "What about the hotel?"

Woman 2 "Spotless. Couldn't fault it."

Woman 1 "Did you get all your treatments?"

Woman 2 (suddenly more animated) "Oh. My. God! Yes! Amazing! They take you down into the spa and you can choose. I had a stress reduction massage and Paul had a Thai head massage."

Woman 1 "Ooh, wonderful!"

Woman 2 "And then we both had a chocolate bath."

Woman 1 (pausing for an instant, quite rightly unaware of this vile-sounding innovation in indulgence, and then choosing to act as if she wasn't) "And what was that like then?"

Woman 2 "Amazing."

Woman 1 "Was it all … you know … chocolatey?"

Woman 2 "Oh, yes. Chocolate bubbles, the lot."

Woman 1 "Did it smell of …"

Woman 2 "… chocolate, yes."

Woman 1 (going out on a limb) "So did you have to have another bath afterwards?"

Woman 2 (deciding to let it slide) "No. We went for our dinner. It was like a buffet, you could help yourself. Go back as many times as you wanted."

Woman 1 (relieved to be back on familiar turf) "Ah, yeah, they're brilliant them."

Guardian All Ears 3rd July

One for all you animal lovers this week...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/03/michael-holden-all-ears-cats

(Article by Michael Holden)
A woman who works in a pub near me is sometimes visited by a man with whom she has had, or is having, some sort of relationship. The pattern is the same: she gives him a drink, he asks for another, she refuses, they argue and she gives in or he leaves – usually the latter. Towards the end of the first drink, a conversation sometimes breaks out, of which what follows is a fairly typical example.

Woman "She was looking after her cat, and it killed itself."

Man "Eh?"

Woman "It done itself in."

Man "Cats don't do that!"

Woman "This one did."

Man (abruptly) "How?"

Woman "Threw itself off the balcony."

Man (laughing) "That's the one thing they're good at, innit? Surviving a fall? Nine lives and all that. If you were gonna top yourself, you'd do something different. Swim out to sea or something."

Woman (defiant) "That's what happened."

Man "Bollocks. She's made that up."

Woman "It ain't. There was another cat round the corner. Same thing."

Man (giggling) "Well, what's their angle, you think? Depressed, or just like a cry for help?"

Woman (walking away) "I don't wanna talk to you about it."

Man "Well you should talk about it. I mean, if it's happening, you should call someone. There might be some money in it. You'd have Sky News in here. I think you owe it to the cats, to get to the bottom of it, so to speak."

Woman (entering the cellar) "Fuck off."

Man (calling after her) "Can I have another drink?"

But there was no answer. Perhaps she too could take no more.

Stag spotted in South London boozer...

...Ok, it's a dead one admittedly

London Fields

Various permutations of ice cream, Ice T & skinny indie kids on a hot day

Pitch work...

I just found these which I did for an (unsuccessful) animation pitch a while back, as is the way with these kind of things they pump you for different ideas then suddenly go silent & never call back... d'oh!