Cocktail time

Just a typical night out...

Guardian All Ears 24th July

Deficit or no deficit...you gotta buy a Smugaboo©
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/24/michael-holdens-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
If you thought all the people who know exactly how the world works and yet seem miraculously uninvolved in actually solving any of its problems were confined to the Internet, think again. Off for a haircut, I wound up in a chair next to one of them, and spent the entire trim noting the abundance of sharp objects in the vicinity and the lack of legal ways in which one might persuade him into silence with them.

Man "There's no deficit. The whole thing's a bloody myth, a sham."

Barber "You think?"

Man "It's obvious. You wait. It's just a way for the government to renege on its responsibilities. There's plenty of money there, I can assure you."

Barber "I dunno …"

Man "I mean, what are they gonna do. Just tell all these single mothers that they have to go and find a job?"

Barber "Yeah. Why not?"

Man "Really?"

Barber "Yeah. That's real life."

Man "You're a hard man!"

Barber (who's Thai) "Tough times all over. You want to come here from Thailand now, you need £20,000."

Man "Really?"

Barber "That's a million baht."

Man "That's a pity, cos you guys are great. I mean, you're the kind of people that should be encouraged."

Barber "Why would I wanna come over here and spend a million baht on your single mother?"

Man "Well, that's what I'm saying. You shouldn't have to, because the money's there …"

Barber "Teach your single mother to cut hair."

He had no immediate answer for that. No doubt his trenchant online persona would formulate an answer in due course.

Guardian All Ears 28th June

The temptation to draw a 'Sting' prophylactic was very strong with this one!

I was having a haircut, feeling quite pleased that fortune had provided me with a barber who wasn’t inclined towards small talk when the customer in the next chair suddenly emerged from a hot towel treatment with all kinds of things he wanted to say.

Customer: (nodding towards the radio) “This is The Police, innit?”

Barber: “It is.”

Customer: “Roxanne?”

Barber: “Yup.”

Customer: “Don’t talk to me about this record!”

Barber: (declining to point out that he hadn’t been) “Oh?”

Customer: (animated by his sense of the imminent anecdote’s hilarity) “Fella at work, right? He’s made this Doris on a park bench, at lunch time, and he’s started going out on like, dates with her!”

Barber: Yeah?

Customer: “She called Roxanne! Or that’s what she told him anyway. So to wind him up we start playing this record-Roxanne-over and over again in the office. I tell you, by the end of it he was going nuts. Almost crying he was.”

Barber “Right”

Customer: (changing subject effortlessly) “You ever been to Muay Thai?”

Barber: “No. What is it?”

Customer: The old Thai boxing innit.”

Barber: “Right.”

Customer: “Blood all over the shop.”

Barber: “I’m gonna put another towel over you, ok?”

And like a caged bird, that proved sufficient to silence him.

Article by Michael Holden