Guardian All Ears 2nd January

Back on it after a brief hiatus over Christmas (while the Guide wrote lists & the words 'David Tennant' an awful lot of times)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/series/michaelholdensallears

(article by Michael Holden)

I've written before about the Chinese takeaway that has its own microclimate. Suffice to say that at this time of year things are so cold there that to see two other people inside, smiling – and showing no visible signs of hypothermia – seemed reassuring. Perhaps they've finally warmed the place up, I thought, as I opened the door. But as the familiar blend of sub-zero air and the sound and scent of boiling oil embraced me I could see the other customers: a couple in their 60s were drunk and in a warm relationship and couldn't care less about the weather.

Woman (holding man for support) "Where's the food?"

Man (looking down at her affectionately) "Won't be long."

Woman "What we ordered?"

Man "Plenty of everything."

Woman "Are we having prawns?"

Man "No."

Woman (distraught) "Why!"

Man "You never asked for none."

Woman (lurching toward the counter) "I gotta get some!"

Man (firmly but not angrily) "You'll slow everything down!"

Woman (to the owner) "Give us some of them prawns."

Owner "What prawns?"

Woman "Where's the menu?"

Man (sensing the futility of this) "Just give us some chilli salt prawns, would you?"

Woman "That's them!"

Owner "Your food is ready."

Man "Yeah well, we'll wait for the prawns." The woman looked at him as though he was heading into the sea to catch them himself, and he looked back as though he would gladly undertake such an errand, should she require it.

Coffee time!

Coffee time's always like this at my place - isn't it at yours?
Have just submitted this to Threadless so if any of you would like to vote for it to be turned into a T-shirt (& win me $2500) then please register & vote high!

http://www.threadless.com/submission/246448

Carrots

Charlie Git & his living hair

Sketchbook ruminations on extreme coiffeurs...be afraid, be very afraid!

Smoking aminals...

Download & print for smoking infused children's wallpaper!

Thoughtless for the day

Guardian All Ears 12th December

Note to self...for reference purposes, in shared studio very unwise to Google 'nurses uniform' with 'Safe Search' option switched off!

(Article by Michael Holden)
I took my place in a hospital queue and a scene of two halves began to
unfold. To my left a woman yelled Apprentice-level business drivel
into her telephone, while to my right three nurses assembled a plastic
Christmas tree.
Woman (indignant) “You haven’t spoken to them about it, you’ve just
talked to me about it, and I’m not the cog that needs to make that
process turn around!”
Nurse 1 (straightening out collapsible branches) “How old is this thing?”
Nurse 2 “At least as old as me, and I’ve been here five years.”

Woman “The message is Ian’s just back from holiday, and if there are
35,000 emails in his inbox then we’re all in trouble… what I said to
you was there are four more files, which are big, messy, nasty ones,
by the way. So you can’t just ignore them.”

Nurse 3 “Where does this bit go?”

Nurse 1 “Stick it in the middle”

Woman (almost screaming) “Well you make a start and then
I will finish it off…I understand that…exactly…anyway. We
can’t do that until we know the value of all the pieces…it’s not a
good idea, Andrew’s not into delegation… I don’t know. I’ve been here
for four hours… I imagine he will go berserk. I shouldn’t have to be
pointing this out!”
Nurse 1 (standing back) “What do we think of that then?”

Woman “Well, as I say, I thought you would have done something
already, but we’ll try and sort it out when I get back. Yes, I got
that. I’m getting the fact that you’re unhappy.”

Nurse 2 (laughing) “Look at the state of it!”

Woman “Ok then, thanks.”
She hung up and noticed the pitiful tree. It would take more than that
to make things better.