Slightly hefty emo kids rule! (for Sean)
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Saturday, 18 October 2008
Guardian All Ears 18th October
The Kirk Douglas picture is very small - but hopefully well formed! Couldn't resist the can of 'Wifebeater' or the circle of shame!
On a train just pulling out of the station I watched as a couple with a young kid collapsed into the seats across from me. Their joy at having made it was amplified by their amazement at finding seats together across a table and while the mum opened a magazine the father celebrated with a bottle of lager.
Child: “What’s that?”
Man: “It’s for me to drink?”
Child: “Is it a beer?”
Man: “That’s exactly what it is.”
The kid tired of its enquiries and stared out the window while the man looked up and down the carriage in admiration.
Man: (to no-one) “We should have these sorts of trains on our line. Ten carriages. Smart.”
As his family had lost interest in him he pulled out some kind of digital device and started prodding it.
Man: (craving a response) “I’m being stalked on Facebook.”
Woman: (giving in) “Who by?”
Man: (sounding worried) “I don’t know the name, no idea who it is-but-he’s using the picture of young Kirk Douglas, it’s quite disconcerting.”
He handed the phone over to the woman to inspect
Man: “He’s got one friend. You could make it up.”
Woman: “How do you know it’s a man?”
Man: “Well he’s using the picture of a young Kirk Douglas so I thought…”
The woman handed him the phone back and looked at him as if to say, “enough of this, you are an idiot.”
Child: “Who’s Kirk Douglas?”
Man: “A man on the Internet.”
Woman (decisive): “Never mind.”
Article by Micheal Holden
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Guardian All Ears 11th October
The cake Fonz...
I’ve been visiting the same bakery for over a decade and never in that time have I enjoyed anything more than straightforward transaction-based conversations with the staff, nor have I seen them talk much to anyone else except to remonstrate with the intoxicated and the clearly insane. I was horrified then to pop in the other day and find a bloke engaging in what might be described as light hearted repartee with the normally stoic staff.
Bakery Woman: (big grin on her face) “Small tea or a large?”
Man: (winking and smiling) “Large.”
Bakery Woman: (blushing with the innuendo) “I’d never have guessed!”
Man: (indicating cakes) “What are these?”
Bakery Woman: “Coconut and jam slice.”
Man: “What are they like?”
Bakery Woman: “Dunno, I never had one, they look nice though.”
Man: (gurning under the weight of his own wit) “Give me the (+I)biggest(-I) one.”
Bakery Woman: (turning purple, serving it up) Ooh…anything else?”
Man: “That’ll be it…for now.”
Bakery Woman: “Two pound seventy”
Man (winking again, offering money) “Make it three pounds.”
Bakery Woman: (melting) “Ta, see you soon babe.”
Man: (waving to everyone, even the queue) “See you soon.”
What kind of madman tips people in a bakery, I wondered, at the same time feeling rather cheap. The man left on what seemed to me to be a cloud of self-satisfaction and purchased familiarity. The next guy in line, evidently impressed, ordered exactly the same things. Christ, I thought, I’ve just met the cake-Fonz, and everyone loves him but me.
Article by Michael Holden
Thursday, 9 October 2008
Me being a TV pundit...
My moment of recent TV glory on a programme called 'When Were we Funniest?' reminiscing about directing Ivan Dobsky the Meatsafe Murderer for 'Monkeydust'
I wonder if there's anything such as an 'E-list' celebrity? Watch out Justin Lee Collins you c***!
Some new bits...
These were designed (& rejected) for an Orange pitch - should I switch to Vodaphone or is that just petty? Hmmm...
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