says it all...
Friday 14 May 2010
Saturday 8 May 2010
Guardian All Ears 8th May
Next week my own exploration of the effects of Special Brew & Miaow Miaow on the digestive tract...(maybe)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/may/08/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
It was late afternoon on a busy train when I managed to filter out the general hubbub and zero in on what two men backed into the corner of the carriage were discussing. Digestive disorders, as luck would have it.
Man 1 (surprisingly upbeat) "It's coffee more than tea that gets me."
Man 2 (surprisingly interested) "Do you drink herbal teas?"
Man 1 "Not really, just decaf."
Man 2 (with pity) "Not the fruit teas?"
Man 1 (without regret) "No."
Man 2 (closing his eyes and flagrantly recalling the memory of his last infusion) "Something warm with a sweet taste – it's marvellous."
Man 1 "I like a bit of a chilli, now and again."
Man 2 (steering things back towards himself) "I have this chilli chutney, it comes in a glass jar about yea high"
He made a gesture indicating about a 10 inches in height. People using "yea" as a term of comparative stature have always seemed a bit odd to me, and the look on Man 1's face suggested he felt the same. Who cares about your jar? I imagined we were both thinking.
Man 2 "I'll get you some."
Man 1 "I've got quite a lot of chutney as it is."
Man 2 "This is a bit special."
Man 1 "I can eat chilli but I know about it the next day. Cramps."
Man 2 "Could be the intestine."
Man 1 "Could be the ecstasy. I do quite a bit of it."
Man 2 Seemed shocked and fell silent, which just made me wonder how they knew each other, where they were going, and what they would do when they got there.
Saturday 1 May 2010
Guardian All Ears 1st May
(Article by Michael Holden)
Perhaps it's an an economic thing, but these days I'm seeing a lot of people freaking out in shops. The latest was in a supermarket where a man was being pushed to the edge by the store's layout.
Man (waving list in anger) "I don't get it!"
Woman (sensing danger) "Don't get upset. I'll ask someone."
She gazed about for assistance, but he spotted someone first.
Man (shouting) "Eh, you! Where's your cheese."
Assistant (shuffling over) "Eh?"
Man (still agitated) "Where are you keeping the cheese?"
Woman (over-polite, overcompensating) "We would like some cheese."
Assistant (pointing to the faraway end of the aisle) "Cheese is down there."
Man (pointing up at a sign) "Well how come it doesn't say so?"
He had a point: the sign said "Butters, Spreads, Fresh Fruit Juice, Yoghurts" – no mention of cheese. The assistant shrugged and turned away, which proved too much for the man, who pulled him back by the shoulder.
Man "Why can't you be more upfront about your cheese? Why you trying to bluff us?"
Assistant (recoiling) "You want me to get a team leader?"
Woman "No, that's OK. I'm sorry. It's not your fault."
There was a moment of silent reconciliation between the three, but as the assistant went to walk away, the man looked back at his list and called after him.
Man "Hey, where are the eggs?"
I know from bitter experience that the eggs fall under "Home Baking", so I fled before things flared up again.
Thursday 29 April 2010
Saturday 24 April 2010
Guardian All Ears 24th April
Had decided to do some serious research into expensive pram / buggy one-upmanship (see Stoke Newington or similar where Bugaboo jousting is almost an olympic sport) but went for the feeble pun instead...Pramalot anybody? (I know, I know,)
(Original article here - http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/apr/24/michael-holden-all-ears)
(Article by Michael Holden)
Eating lunch at an outside table I was distracted by the intensity of
a woman’s voice nearby. I turned to see she was sat just along from
me, and had recognised an acquaintance of hers who was pushing a pram.
Woman 1 (as though the child were on fire) “Your baby!”
Woman 2 (proud, but nonetheless alarmed at the intensity of her
friend’s exclamation) “This is Sammy.”
Woman 1 (no less shrill) “Your baby has the cutest hair!”
I looked, and saw that the child in question boasted a sprawling mop
of curly hair.
Woman 2 (pulling at it to demonstrate its full scope) “Yes he does.”
Woman 1 (shaking her head in wonder as if present at the scene of a
miracle-as oppose to just some hair) “People must stop you all the
time.”
Woman 2 (uncertain) “Kind of…”
Woman 1 (noticing a Sesame St toy affixed to the pram) “You have Elmo!
We have Elmo too…”
Woman 2 “Sammy loves Elmo.”
The second woman’s husband appeared, he was on the phone. He hadn’t
much hair of his own. The women fussed over the child, he looked up
and down the street and then hung up reluctantly as though he knew
what was coming.
Woman 2 “This is my husband John-John, this is Susan.”
Woman 1 (without hesitation) “Your son has the most fantastic hair!”
Man (smiling weakly) “We have to get going.”
Woman 1 “I was just saying, your son’s hair…people must stop you all the time…”
Man “Yeah, well. We should really get going.”
Woman 1 “I wish I had my camera.”
Woman 2 (manoeuvring the pram away) “It was good to see you again.”
As they left the other woman’s face fell, as if having seen the hair
messiah, the remainder of existence seemed both bald and long.
Thursday 22 April 2010
'You vile jelly!'
Was reminded of this prince of insults while watching the wonderful 'Sir Henry at Rawlinson's End' - just waiting for a chance to use it one day...
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