The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 30th October

On reflection would have liked to have added a penguin into the mix,
I like penguins. End of.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/oct/30/michael-holden-all-ears
(article by Michael Holden)
By giving us what we thought we wanted whenever we wanted it, supermarkets have bred a reciprocal brand of super anxiety. Listen closely, and the aisles hum with a discontent peculiar to the resentment of dreams fulfilled. Down by the fresh meat fridges, I found two men bemoaning the very air that they breathed.

Man 1 (sifting through the giblets) "It's cold in here."

Man 2 "Colder than it used to be?"

Man 1 "For sure. You come in here in summer with a T-shirt on and you have to run round, get out before your core temperature plummets down."

Man 2 (pulling at his ears) "I can feel it in my ears. My ears are cold. That never used to happen."

Man 1 "It's just daft. Think about the energy."

Man 2 "It's unpleasant, is what it is. Maybe it's to keep you moving. Get you in and get you out. Like the fucking Crystal Maze.

Man 1 "On ice."

Man 2 "Exactly!"

Man 1 "It's gotta be a preservation thing. They fly this stuff in from wherever the fuck – Argentina – everybody hates that. So they have to keep it as long as possible, drop the temperature of the whole store."

Man 2 "That can't be good."

Man 1 "It's like I said: the energy."

Man 2 (grabbing a lump of meat and reckoning its heft as though he might use it as a weapon) "It all comes down to energy."

Man 1 "We should go somewhere else."

Man 2 (holding the joint at eye level and staring directly at it, Hamlet-style) "There isn't anywhere else though, is there?"

Man 1 "Not that I know of. Not round here."

A hat made of noise

The hat with fury inside

From a small ads mis-print, think it was supposed to read 'furry'- perils of sloppy spelling kids!

Bat skint

Our hero faces up to the reality of budget shopping...

(drawn during a spectacularly pointless meeting with my bank)

Decisions, decisions...

We've all been afflicted by the eternal 'which nose' conundrum haven't we?

Oh...just me then.

Atomic Kitten

Yep! Just that. Move along, nothing to see here

Funnel Cat

The funnel of shame : (

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 23rd October

Funnily enough I saw a perfect ageing '70s throwback skinhead in Bethnal Green this morning - maybe there's a reserve somewhere where old youth cults go to live & occasionally let them out on special occasions...oh sorry, what's that you say? It's called Camden Market?
The more decrepit (& geeky) of you might also notice that the phone number I used is the old Swap Shop number - brings up scary visions of sex with the ghost of Noel Edmonds past - enjoy your breakfast!


(Article by Michael Holden)
Although the calibre of their contents may fluctuate, galleries remain a reliable source of strangers' conversations. Like people leaving the cinema, people staring at art like to discuss what they've seen. Sometimes, though, the more intriguing dialogues come from events unrelated to the pictures.

Man 1 (returning) "You see that graffiti?"

Man 2 "In here?"

Man 1 "No. In the toilet. I couldn't believe it. It's like going back in time."

Man 2 "How do you mean?"

Man 1 (spelling it out with his finger) "It says, 'NF', like the two letters, together. And then, 'Gay sex.' And then there's a phone number."

Man 2 "A mobile?"

Man 1 "Maybe, I dunno. What do you care?"

Man 2 "Well, it tells you how old it is, to a degree."

Man 1 "Either way, it was still like something you'd see in the 70s. Sort of thing people would write when you were growing up."

Man 2 "I guess those things are sort of timeless."

Man 1 "Nationalism and homosexuality?"

Man 2 "Are the NF still going?"

Man 1 "Well, they are in here."

Man 2 "Maybe it's art. Like an installation. We could ring the number."

Man 1 "What, you think Charles Saatchi's on the other end, going, 'Well done, you've spotted the art.'?"

Man 2 "What's the worst that could happen?"

Man 1 "Plenty."

Man 2 "Just say you've got the wrong number."

Man 1 (moving on) "No."

BBC Spending Review...

In the face of government cuts surely the BBC could buy into Cameron's 'Big Society' by replacing highly paid soap opera actors with volunteers clad in this stylish collection of t-shirts?
(Also available in 'Period Drama' & 'Shakespearean Tragedy')

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 16th October

Having been brought up at the seaside I know everything about fish & chips - FACT!
Read the article here
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/oct/16/michael-holden-all-ears
(article by Michael Holden)
The good fish and chip shop near me is and always has been run by a couple of contrasting dispositions, which, as they get older, seem ever more pronounced. She grows more talkative, while he becomes more contemplative, staring hard into the fryer, eyes on some unknown horizon. A look I call "thousand cod stare". He was doing this again the last time I went in, and then eventually he spoke.

Him "I wish I was somewhere hot."

Me (facetious, going for the cheap joke) "It's hot in here!"

Him (wearily) "I mean a country."

Me (busted) "I know, I know. You been on holiday?"

Him (getting into his stride, making his own joke) "I got something mapped out. Can't take the wife, though. What about you?"

Me "I was in Egypt in February."

Her (like I deserved to go away more often) "That was a long time ago."

Me "It was warm, though."

Her (having none of it) "But you come back and it's cold."

Me "It was cold before I went."

Him "You like it?"

Me (wanting to sound clever) "I like all that part of the world, you can see why they're always fighting over it."

He gazed into the boiling fat and then scooped out my dinner.

Him (with resignation, as though explaining great truths to an imbecile) "But the problem is: the big fish eats the little fish."

Me (words leaving mouth of their own accord) "Mostly, yeah. I suppose. I dunno."

His wife handed me my fish and he looked at me as if to say, "You just don't get it, do you?" And I'm still not altogether sure that I do.

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 9th October

Quite fond of this one despite virtually having to draw it twice due to a subtle mix of computer balls-up & a little touch of vintage f***wit-ery from yours truly...oops!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/oct/09/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
The idea that once you have paid for something you are entitled to complain about it is much in evidence at the gym, where whining about the facilities has become wildly popular of late. The nerve centre of this discontent is the steam room, itself a source of perennial complaints.

Man 1 (always complaining) "They blame it on the pipes. You never know, though. I think it's the door. You'd think people would have the common decency to shut the door!"

Man 2 (recently roped in) "Well they could put a spring on it."

Man 1 "It's a waste of resources, really. Take all the water in the pool. I mean, once it's full it's OK, you just recycle it, but filling it up …"

Man 2 " I Probably wouldn't use that much water in a year."

Man 1 "I've cut my consumption right down. I don't use the shower at home. I come here and use the shower most days."

Man 2 (pondering that) "Right."

Man 1 "I've got two sinks but I've narrowed it down so I only use one of them. My washing machine broke, and I didn't replace it. I figured out I could pay £400 and have a new washing machine or I could start going to the launderette. There's one 30 seconds' walk from me."

Man 2 (in auto response) "Yeah."

Man 1 "I go every two or three weeks. It works out around a fiver. So at that rate I'm ahead for about four or five years I reckon. And that's before you factor in the cost of the electricity. So I've lost the machine and I've got a load more storage space now."

Man 2 (seemingly sincere) "That's brilliant."

Man 1 (attentive to the bigger picture) "Yeah, but, I also stink."

Anger - new animation

A short piece I designed & directed at Picasso Pictures for Reach Out - one of several shorts using the experiences of real teenagers dealing with various issues.
Produced by Melissa Venet at Picasso Pictures
(huge thanks to Sophie Lodge for CGI & motion tracking)
You can see it in higher quality here
http://vimeo.com/15625083

Live painting @ Graffik 6th October

Another image from last night

Live painting @ Graffik 6th October

The exhibition at the Graffik Gallery on Portobello Road concluded with a really fun live painting session in the backyard where myself & Lewis Campbell shook paint at each other & generally had a great night. Big thanks to Lewis for letting me show some work in his exhibition, everyone at Graffik, & everyone who came along to see the work!
You can see more of Lewis' work here
http://www.lostmonkey.eu/

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 2nd October

I seem to have been drawing a lot of animal / bus concoctions of late...must be something in the air...I research my demographics very thoroughly you know*
(*possibly a fib)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/oct/02/michael-holden-all-ears

(Article by Michael Holden)
At a bus stop around 5pm two women, acquainted by their journey home, were discussing the lateness of the previous day's transport, a trip that one of them had missed out on and whose details the other eagerly relayed.

Woman 1 "Well it was packed."

Woman 2 "Because of the delay?"

Woman 1 "Because of the delay, so I had to go upstairs."

Woman 2 "I can't get up there any more. My legs won't have it."

Woman 1 "Well I'm not keen, but of course, once you get up there, the view looks very different, you see all kinds of things."

Woman 2 (sceptical) "Maybe."

Woman 1 "Up by London Road, you can see into one of the gardens, and there's two Shetland ponies kept there!"

Woman 2 "No!"

Woman 1 "Just there in the garden."

Woman 2 "You'd think the RSPCA would get involved."

Woman 1 "Well you wonder. I wondered if maybe the person had some land somewhere and they were just resting them there, I don't know."

Woman 2 (having none of it) "You'd think the animal rights would be on to them."

The bus arrived.

Woman 1 "We can sit upstairs if you like, maybe they're still there."

Woman 2 (after due consideration) "No."

I went to the upper deck, scanned backyards for tiny horses and saw none. And by the time my stop came the women had gone, too. Still, I have my mission for the autumn now – find the ponies. Exactly the kind of futile obsession that makes life bearable.

Hell toupée

3 day art exhibition

I'm showing a couple of pieces of work as part of this group exhibition at the Graffik Gallery 284 Portobello Road, London from 4th - 6th October

If you're interested in coming e-mail guestlist@graffiklondon.co.uk for entry


More details on the Facebook page here
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/event.php?eid=119175494804077

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 25th September

as they say...It's all done with computers these days, I just press a button then f*** off for a massage & a cocktail usually...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/sep/25/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
It was All Ears' good fortune to be in New York last week, feeding bread into a rotary toaster at a breakfast buffet, when two young lions of the leisure industry – all shirts and laptops – joined the queue behind me.

Man 1 (clearly in awe of his subject) "We have quarterly meetings, and he's nothing but questions."

Man 2 (of the same opinion) "That's why these guys are who they are. He was an account manager at Morgan Stanley. They see things we don't see."

Man 1 "He's way down in the weeds. We were meeting and he starts asking how the chambermaids know when the room is checked out."

Man 2 "Shit!"

Man 1 "That's what I'm talking about. He doesn't have to worry about that."

Man 2 "But he does!"

Man 1 "Exactly. These guys are spinning stuff around and we don't even feel the motion."

Man 2 (rightly puzzled) What do you mean?"

Man 1 "They're way out there."

Man 2 (like that helped) "Right."

Man 1 "You can't learn that shit. It's instinctive."

Man 2 "The success instinct."

Man 1 "Damn right."

Man 2 "So what did you say?"

Man 2 "About the chambermaids."

Man 1 "Oh right. Well how the fuck would I know? I said I'd get back to him."

Man 2 "So how do they know?"

Man 1 "I don't know. I haven't asked yet."

Man 2 "Don't they just knock on the door, or phone the desk?"

Man 1 "No. I'm guessing there's computers involved."

Attack of the Brain-Dead Breakdancing Zombies insides

A few of the inside illustrations from the new Boy Zero book 'Attack of the Brain-Dead Breakdancing Zombies' by Peter Millett, published by Faber

Steal your mum's credit card kids & order YOUR copy here...

http://tinyurl.com/363j3j9

Attack of the Brain-Dead Breakdancing Zombies

Just received a copy of the second in the series of Boy Zero books by Peter Millett which I illustrated the cover & the insides

You can score a copy here...

http://www.faber.co.uk/work/boy-zero-wannabe-hero-attack-of-brain-dead-breakda/9780571253234/

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 18th September

This week's article kind of made my skin crawl...I hope yours does too kids!

(Article by Michael Holden)
Being a compulsive listener, I try and keep my staring to a minimum as a kind of trade-off, but there are some things you can't take your eyes off, and some of them are talking too. In this case, it was a couple in a cafe: a man in his 50s with cigarette-yellow skin talking to a much younger woman whose pallor seemed mainly makeup.

Man (with sinister smile) "Say, 'Pretty please.'"

Woman (hesitant, and with a heavy accent) "Pretty please."

Man (squeezing her thigh) "Very good! You best hurry up or I'll be lonely."

Woman (halting again) "I try."

Man "I'll be quick. I do everything quickly. I used to run quickly. But now I need a new knee."

Woman "I have an English lesson."

Man "I do a special lesson. Very intensive, one to one. Over in the pub. We drink, we kiss. I teach you something, we have another glass of wine.

Woman (not visibly displeased by this proposal) "Perhaps."

Man "How far away from Prague do you live, is there a motorway?"

She shrugged.

Man (miming driving) "A fast road?"

She still didn't understand.

Woman "I must see Peter."

Man "Peter?"

Woman "Peter is problem?"

Man "No. I said I don't mind. Go now and come back quickly, or I shall be very sad. You understand?"

He mimed wiping tears away by way of illustration.

Woman (smiling) "Don't be sad."

She got up, left, and when I looked away I realised – the only one unhappy with the situation was probably me.

Anatidaephobia escalation

Anatidaephobia is defined as a pervasive, irrational fear that one is being watched by a duck...

the duck...the duck!

Anatidaephobia is defined as a pervasive, irrational fear that one is being watched by a duck...(see below)

Anatidaephobia (slight return)

'Anatidaephobia is defined as a pervasive, irrational fear that one is being watched by a duck' (see below)

anatidaephobia....

'Anatidaephobia is defined as a pervasive, irrational fear that one is being watched by a duck'...
http://i.imgur.com/IOBPq.jpg

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 11th September

I always feel cheated if I take a numbered ticket & don't end up with a cheese based product in the end...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/sep/11/michael-holden-all-ears
(article by Michael Holden)
Strange places, hospital pharmacies. They appear to be capable of spending so long assembling the medication that high-street chemists move like professional martial artists by comparison. And yet the fact that you are here, collecting your own drugs, rather than lying in bed upstairs receiving them intravenously, breeds a gratitude that helps to nullify delays. I took a ticket and sat down, as an older couple on my right began to examine theirs.

Woman "I can't see what it is."

Man "Eh?"

Woman "What it says."

Man "What?"

Woman "The ticket."

Man "What about it?"

Woman "Is it 89 or 68?"

Man "Eh?"

Woman (turning the ticket around in front of him to illustrate her dilemma) "89 or 68, see? Which is it?"

It was 89. I knew this because my number was 93. I was poised to intervene when the man, having grasped the situation, sprang into action and approached the pharmacy window.

Woman (sensing trouble) "Sit down."

Man (undeterred) "What's this, then?"

Pharmacist "Sorry?"

Man (pinning the ticket to the security glass) "89 or 68?"

Pharmacist "It's 89, 68 has gone."

The man came back.

Man "It's 89."

Woman (snatching it back) "I heard her."

She seemed furious at his intervention. He sank down by her side as the pharmacist called their number.

Woman (handing him back the ticket) "About time."

Surf quiff city!

'Rabbits' wins Gold in New Media section of Images 34

My short phantasmagorical rabbit & flying saucer strewn creep-fest 'Rabbits' just won the Gold award for New Media in this year's Association of Illustrators Images awards
Images is the UK's longest running independently jury selected annual of illustration & is now in its 34th year - the awards were held at the London College of Communication in the picturesque environs(!) of Elephant & Castle in London - pictures to follow but meanwhile take a look at the film!
http://www.aoiimages.com/awards.htm

Quiff hazards!

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 4th September

Reverse Santa...see what I did there? Not my cleverest one I'm afraid! (faintly odd drawing Santa outfit in August while preparing for Carnival too)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/sep/04/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
In a coffee shop on Saturday, two men were catching up on what they'd been up to during the week. The question of their attendance at the party of a mutual friend came to dominate the agenda.

Man 1 "What was your excuse?"

Man 2 (smiling, untouchable) "I was in Germany."

Man 1 (envious) "Right."

Man 2 "You survived then?"

Man 1 "Well, I bailed out early. With a crowd like that you know what you're in for. It's terrifying, really. Blokes who've been at it for over 30 years, some of them with their sons now – who look just as mental …"

Man 2 "How was the food?"

Man 1 "Shit, as always. But they took the money off you at the door. I tried to get as much of it down as I could to get my money's worth. And then later on the drugs are kicking in and no one's interested. Piles of it just sitting there."

Man 2 "What did you get him?"

Man 1 "Burned a CD."

Man 2 "And what did he make of that?"

Man 1 "Couldn't tell – he did the old reverse Santa."

Man 2 "What's that?"

Man 1 "You bring someone a present, they don't look at it and just chuck it in a sack and fuck off at the end of the evening."

Man 2 "I hate that!"

Man 1 "Me too, but then, what can you do?"

Man 2 "And that's the reverse Santa?"

Man 1 "That's what I call it."

Man 2 "Do you mind if I start using that?"

Man 1 "No, feel free. Take it, say nothing and fuck off with it. It's what anyone else would do." •

Venus Quiff Trap

East...

...always relieved to see that East London is still holding its own in the silly outfit / hair stakes

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 28th August

This is apparently my 111th All Ears illustration for The Guardian Please wash your hands after reading / looking
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/aug/28/michael-holden-all-ears

(Article by Michael Holden)
Despite subconscious attempts to repel them, two men, both talking on telephones, sat across from me on the train. When they had hung up, one of them said he had to go to the toilet, as though the excitement of telling people over the phone that he was on a train was more than he could bear. When he came back though, his face was ashen.

Man 1 "Alright?"

Man 2 "It's dreadful in there."

Man 1 "They're never as bad as they used to be."

Man 2 "They are. The only difference is that these days, disabled people get to see how bad they are as well."

Man 1 "Maybe it was disabled people who messed it up?"

Man 2 "Either way …"

Man 1 "I best not go then. I'm getting really uptight about hygiene

these days. If it's that bad, it could push me over the edge."

Man 2 "The edge of what?"

Man 1 "Reason. The other day I took extra paper towels from a dispenser, and wrapped them around my hand before I opened the door."

Man 2 "It's all this MRSA gel, it makes you paranoid."

Man 1 "I'm more worried about becoming obsessively hygienic than I am about getting sick. I did that paper towel without knowing I'd done it. It was only after I'd come out of the bathroom that I realised what I'd done. I thought, 'This is how it starts, you're becoming like Howard Hughes.'"

Man 2 "Without the money."

Man 1 "He used to horde his piss in jars."

Man 2 (after some consideration) "What did his wife say."

Man 1 "I don't think he had one."

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 21st August

I'd just like to point out that I'm extremely fond of giraffes & other aminals & I do not condone the shooting of them - this is only a picture IT'S NOT REAL!*
(*subtitled for the hard of thinking)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/aug/21/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
As is often acknowledged in this column, cab drivers are the commandos of casual conversation; the rest of us are just parachuting in when the groundwork's been done. I had the good fortune last week to be sat near one in a cafe as he shared stories of his fares' safari antics with his friends.

Man 1 "I been busy bringing the Americans in and out, been a few years now. I know some of them quite well."

Man 2 "What are they like?"

Man 1 "All right, well there's one I thought was all right. He was telling me how he likes to shoot things … animals. He goes over to Africa and has a go at anything that moves."

Man 2 "That still happens?"

Man 1 "Very much so. I'm not one to judge, but then he says he's getting hammered for freight costs, cos he flies all these things back over there and has 'em stuffed!"

Man 2 "Yeah?"

Man 1 "Oh yeah. I said, 'How does your wife feel about that?' And this is what really got to me, he says: 'She loves it. Her life's ambition is to shoot a giraffe.'"

Man 2 "A giraffe?"

Man 1 (solemn) "A giraffe."

Man 2 "I don't get it. At what point in someone's life would they wake up in the morning and say, 'I know what I need to do before I die. I know what's been missing. I got to shoot me a giraffe!'"

Man 3 "What's the psychology behind that? Is she really small?"

Man 2 "That could be it."

Man 3 "Or is it that their heads are small, and a long way away?"

Man 1 "A fucking giraffe, though?"

Man 2 "Unbelievable."

planet headed man...

...currently holding lighter aloft at Elton John concert whilst clutching commemorative rocket souvenir