Monster Facts #016

Monster negotiation is always best attempted AFTER lunchtime!

(preferably with SWAT team back up)

See also Monster Facts #03

Monster facts #15

Monster fact: Most nocturnal chocolate eating is down to monsters - but fret not, they NEVER touch the orange creams*

*insert any other flavour you despise - somehow they KNOW!

More monster facts? Go here

Monster facts #14

That knocking sound in the wardrobe? That'll be the monster hiding in there with his carrier bag full of wire coat hangers (you always wondered where they came from huh?)

More Monster Facts™? Hot foot it over to HERE!

Monster Facts #13

Monsters don't generally let the 'this is extremely uncomfortable' factor get in the way of a good hiding place.

More Monster Facts? Go here

Monster Facts #12

Monster Fact: THAT'S what happens when you fiddle with your belly button kids! (where the hell did you think tentacled beasties lived huh?)

Collect the series!

Monster Facts #11

Monster Facts - Even monsters have to do their laundry but are often less than happy if anybody sees them doing it - usually best to leave them to it... (see 'monsters & vegetarianism')

Monster Facts #11

Monster Fact: Investing in a good strong monster-proof lock on your front door is a worthy, but ultimately  futile gesture due to monsters & their wiley ways - but hey, if it makes you feel better...

Monster Facts #10

Monster Fact : Monsters do not receive mandatory holiday pay & rarely take time off - it is considered wise not to disturb them when they do*

*This also applies to freelance illustrators, crocodiles et al. Dogs, as EVERYBODY knows have Wednesday afternoons off.

Monster Fact #9

Monster fact : Very BIG monsters can fit through very SMALL holes

Monster Facts #8

Monster Fact: Monster breath is terrible. Many beautiful would-be monster relationships are de-railed early on by halitosis*.

(*See also monster diets)

Monster Facts #7

Monster fact: Up to 95% of domestic 'lost sock' incidents are the result of monster activity

Monster Facts #6

Monster Fact: Monsters love ice cream, but mainly when it's somebody else's ice cream.

See also monster diets

Monster Facts #5

Monster Fact: The dark is composed of at least 70% monsters (& at least 10% horrible creepy crawlies) - very much like the percentage of cocoa solids in posh chocolate but much SCARIER!

Monster Facts #4

Monster Fact: You know when people say "they won't hurt you they're just being friendly"? * or, "they're more scared of you than you are of them"?*

These are abject BIG FAT LIES. Run away now!

(*see also big vicious dogs with dumb owners)

(*see also spiders)

Monster facts #3

Monster fact : Vegetarianism is EXTREMELY uncommon. Their favourite dinner is invariably YOU!

(yeah, yeah, wear the monster deflective tofu armour if it makes you feel better #futilegesture)

Monster facts #2

Yep, sorry to break it to you kids, I'm not making this up...

Sleep tight huh? x

The Wednesday creature

Monster fact : Bloodthirsty monsters always have Wednesdays off to catch up on laundry / e-mails etc.

Here is a candid pen & ink picture of a monster washing his smalls (the artist was nearly devoured in the process of drawing this, monsters are NOTORIOUSLY touchy - I don't make this sh*t up you know!)