Monday, 20 December 2010
Saturday, 11 December 2010
Drugs are bad, mmmmmkay? I was originally going for the 'exploding stomach'imagery but decided against it in the end...
(Article by Michael Holden)
Recently I shared a train carriage with two people whose frank exchange of narcotic chit-chat – while not without its tragedies – was at least a break from the norm.
Woman (glad to have bumped into a mate) "I thought you was in prison!"
Man (equally surprised) "I was, I got done with one bag! Donna got off with two! They said 18 months. Then, they said if I plead guilty I'd get seven. But I didn't know nothing about it. I thought I had to do the whole lot. It was a big surprise to me when they let me out."
Woman "So what you gonna do?"
Man "I'm going on the old Naltrexone."
Woman (cautionary) "If you can be bothered every day."
Man (rueful) "I couldn't sleep for a couple of weeks."
Woman "Well you gotta stay positive. What did your mum to say about it?"
Woman "Went ballistic. Thinks I'm gonna end up like my uncle."
Woman "My area's headed for one of them things where there's not that much shit about; when the good stuff comes back people are gonna start dying."
Man "The stuff I got done with came in at 37/38% – I was quite pleased with that. Did you hear about John's foot?"
Woman "Terrible. Nightmare. He was walking about with bits of bone in his pocket!"
Man (more surprised) "Did you hear about Alannah?"
Woman (nodding) "Her stomach exploded."
Man (with contempt) "Booze."
Later on the drinks trolley came wheeling past; the couple waved it by.
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
Sunday, 5 December 2010
In the interests of good taste I avoided illustrating the 'dad's corpse' reference, read on...
(Article by Michael Holden)
Upstairs on a bus, a group of schoolboys were discussing their day when things quickly took a turn for the extreme.
Boy 1 "(talking about a teacher) It's like she's trying to be you friend – she called me 'bred'ren,' which is going too far."
Boy 2 "The other guy is better, I learned bare stuff with him. More in a day with him than I do in week."
Boy 3 "But he's tough, though. He shows you one thing and you get it. And then another thing and you don't. And then he moves on."
Boy 1 "There's a boy in my class – Polish – his name is Olock. He said to me, 'How did you lose that race?' I said, 'Shut up – your name's Olock.
We pulled up by a station and suddenly they got furtive and steered their friend toward the window.
Boy 2 (to boy 1) "You do it, you do it! You're the best."
Boy 1 shouted something inaudible but loud from the window. Moments later, the man who sells the local paper was up the stairs and out for blood, evidently not for the first time. He singled out Boy 1.
Vendor "Why are you always giving it to me, you little mug? You're gonna get stabbed if you don't shut your mouth!"
Having overplayed his hand, the man went back downstairs.
Boy 3 "He's gone mental."
Boy 2 "He is mental. What did you say?
Boy 1 (stunned at the scale of his creation) "I fucked your dad's corpse."
They dissolved into giggles.
Boy 2 "You're gonna get us killed."
Fair point, but still, it was – presumably – inventive. Reprehensible and so on, but I could hardly write it down for laughing all the same.