Saturday, 25 October 2008
I know, I know, racial stereotypes are soooo easy but sometimes they're begging to be used! Wonder if I could get a Matalan tattoo somewhere - classy! (apologies for any mangling of French language involved in above illo)
(Article by Micheal Holden)
I was standing a queue for a cash machine-the only around that doesn’t charge a fee for its services-when the man behind me was joined by a friend who must have gone for a wander about to kill time.
Man 1 “You won’t believe what I’ve just seen.”
Man 2 “What?”
Man 1 “There’s a bloke up there, in the market, with the Pizza Express logo tattooed on his arm!”
Man 2 “Really?”
Man 1 “That’s what it looked like, I had a pretty good look at it.”
Man 2 “You see these things on the internet, sponsored tattoos.”
Man 1 “Mugs. You wouldn’t see something like that in France, they’ve got too much self respect.”
Man 2 “I was there last week.”
Man 1 “Any corporate tattoos?”
Man 2 “No. Mind you it was cold. They are nuts though, in their own way. I was in a supermarket, at the checkout and this bloke got angry because I hadn’t moved put the little ledge-the one that says ‘next customer’ at the end of my shopping.
Man 1 “How angry?”
Man 2 “He had a mutter and then sort of snatched at the sign and slammed it down. My mate who I stayed with says it’s a big thing over there, a proper insult if you don’t do it. And yet when there’s any real trouble on the cards…bosh, they’re gone.”
Man 1 “Like I said, too much self respect.”
Man 2 “Too much for their own good.”
Man 1 “But you have to respect them for that.”
Man 2 (visibly baffled but playing along) “Yeah, yeah. I do, I do.”
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Saturday, 18 October 2008
The Kirk Douglas picture is very small - but hopefully well formed! Couldn't resist the can of 'Wifebeater' or the circle of shame!
On a train just pulling out of the station I watched as a couple with a young kid collapsed into the seats across from me. Their joy at having made it was amplified by their amazement at finding seats together across a table and while the mum opened a magazine the father celebrated with a bottle of lager.
Child: “What’s that?”
Man: “It’s for me to drink?”
Child: “Is it a beer?”
Man: “That’s exactly what it is.”
The kid tired of its enquiries and stared out the window while the man looked up and down the carriage in admiration.
Man: (to no-one) “We should have these sorts of trains on our line. Ten carriages. Smart.”
As his family had lost interest in him he pulled out some kind of digital device and started prodding it.
Man: (craving a response) “I’m being stalked on Facebook.”
Woman: (giving in) “Who by?”
Man: (sounding worried) “I don’t know the name, no idea who it is-but-he’s using the picture of young Kirk Douglas, it’s quite disconcerting.”
He handed the phone over to the woman to inspect
Man: “He’s got one friend. You could make it up.”
Woman: “How do you know it’s a man?”
Man: “Well he’s using the picture of a young Kirk Douglas so I thought…”
The woman handed him the phone back and looked at him as if to say, “enough of this, you are an idiot.”
Child: “Who’s Kirk Douglas?”
Man: “A man on the Internet.”
Woman (decisive): “Never mind.”
Article by Micheal Holden
Saturday, 11 October 2008
The cake Fonz...
I’ve been visiting the same bakery for over a decade and never in that time have I enjoyed anything more than straightforward transaction-based conversations with the staff, nor have I seen them talk much to anyone else except to remonstrate with the intoxicated and the clearly insane. I was horrified then to pop in the other day and find a bloke engaging in what might be described as light hearted repartee with the normally stoic staff.
Bakery Woman: (big grin on her face) “Small tea or a large?”
Man: (winking and smiling) “Large.”
Bakery Woman: (blushing with the innuendo) “I’d never have guessed!”
Man: (indicating cakes) “What are these?”
Bakery Woman: “Coconut and jam slice.”
Man: “What are they like?”
Bakery Woman: “Dunno, I never had one, they look nice though.”
Man: (gurning under the weight of his own wit) “Give me the (+I)biggest(-I) one.”
Bakery Woman: (turning purple, serving it up) Ooh…anything else?”
Man: “That’ll be it…for now.”
Bakery Woman: “Two pound seventy”
Man (winking again, offering money) “Make it three pounds.”
Bakery Woman: (melting) “Ta, see you soon babe.”
Man: (waving to everyone, even the queue) “See you soon.”
What kind of madman tips people in a bakery, I wondered, at the same time feeling rather cheap. The man left on what seemed to me to be a cloud of self-satisfaction and purchased familiarity. The next guy in line, evidently impressed, ordered exactly the same things. Christ, I thought, I’ve just met the cake-Fonz, and everyone loves him but me.
Article by Michael Holden
Thursday, 9 October 2008
My moment of recent TV glory on a programme called 'When Were we Funniest?' reminiscing about directing Ivan Dobsky the Meatsafe Murderer for 'Monkeydust'
I wonder if there's anything such as an 'E-list' celebrity? Watch out Justin Lee Collins you c***!
Saturday, 4 October 2008
As a kid I always thought the shops in Museums & other places of interest were the best bits - where you could buy dinosaur pencil cases or Tudor fudge etc. Anyway - didn't think this weeks copy was that great but I quite like the picture what I done...
I had gone to hear a lecture at a museum-quite a sedate affair you might think-but as I took my place in the auditorium I had no idea that an insane and wholly unnecessary micro-drama would soon be unfolding in front of me. It was only when one of the curators stepped up to the podium that the truth about the evening began to unfold.
Curator: (stern look on his face suggesting antiquities in peril) “After the talk there will be a ten minute comfort break, during which refreshments will not be available. But I must ask those of you here with children to keep them under control. Two children have already been found loose in the museum shop this evening, and that is unacceptable.”
There was a pause while people tried to gauge how serious he was.
Curator: (looking the entire room in the eye) “Theft is theft.”
Some people started laughing at this point.
Curator: (somewhere between pity and disdain) “You might think this is funny, but I can assure it isn’t. This isn’t funny. We have CCTV and if anything else happens then I can promise you that appropriate action will be taken.”
During the “comfort break” I made a point of seeking out the curator, who was being confronted by the accused kid’s father.
Dad: “Do you think this an appropriate way to react. Is this what’s in your training?”
Curator: “What about your training as a parent, what about that?”
The dad just stood there, open-mouthed while the curator stared at him with a look that suggested that he would stab anyone else who came near the shop to death with a souvenir pencil.
Article by Micheal Holden