Monday, 21 May 2012
Jiggy McCue book Murder & Chips which I drew the front & back cover artwork for - (very pleased that they let me get away with my appalling 'Deadie's' Sauce' pun on the ketchup bottle too)
(thanks to Thy Bui at Orchard books for book design - you can order it here although I'd always urge you to get off your a*** & walk down to your local bookshop rather than buy it online )
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Saturday, 21 August 2010
I'd just like to point out that I'm extremely fond of giraffes & other aminals & I do not condone the shooting of them - this is only a picture IT'S NOT REAL!*
(*subtitled for the hard of thinking)
(Article by Michael Holden)
As is often acknowledged in this column, cab drivers are the commandos of casual conversation; the rest of us are just parachuting in when the groundwork's been done. I had the good fortune last week to be sat near one in a cafe as he shared stories of his fares' safari antics with his friends.
Man 1 "I been busy bringing the Americans in and out, been a few years now. I know some of them quite well."
Man 2 "What are they like?"
Man 1 "All right, well there's one I thought was all right. He was telling me how he likes to shoot things … animals. He goes over to Africa and has a go at anything that moves."
Man 2 "That still happens?"
Man 1 "Very much so. I'm not one to judge, but then he says he's getting hammered for freight costs, cos he flies all these things back over there and has 'em stuffed!"
Man 2 "Yeah?"
Man 1 "Oh yeah. I said, 'How does your wife feel about that?' And this is what really got to me, he says: 'She loves it. Her life's ambition is to shoot a giraffe.'"
Man 2 "A giraffe?"
Man 1 (solemn) "A giraffe."
Man 2 "I don't get it. At what point in someone's life would they wake up in the morning and say, 'I know what I need to do before I die. I know what's been missing. I got to shoot me a giraffe!'"
Man 3 "What's the psychology behind that? Is she really small?"
Man 2 "That could be it."
Man 3 "Or is it that their heads are small, and a long way away?"
Man 1 "A fucking giraffe, though?"
Man 2 "Unbelievable."
Saturday, 3 July 2010
One for all you animal lovers this week...
(Article by Michael Holden)
A woman who works in a pub near me is sometimes visited by a man with whom she has had, or is having, some sort of relationship. The pattern is the same: she gives him a drink, he asks for another, she refuses, they argue and she gives in or he leaves – usually the latter. Towards the end of the first drink, a conversation sometimes breaks out, of which what follows is a fairly typical example.
Woman "She was looking after her cat, and it killed itself."
Woman "It done itself in."
Man "Cats don't do that!"
Woman "This one did."
Man (abruptly) "How?"
Woman "Threw itself off the balcony."
Man (laughing) "That's the one thing they're good at, innit? Surviving a fall? Nine lives and all that. If you were gonna top yourself, you'd do something different. Swim out to sea or something."
Woman (defiant) "That's what happened."
Man "Bollocks. She's made that up."
Woman "It ain't. There was another cat round the corner. Same thing."
Man (giggling) "Well, what's their angle, you think? Depressed, or just like a cry for help?"
Woman (walking away) "I don't wanna talk to you about it."
Man "Well you should talk about it. I mean, if it's happening, you should call someone. There might be some money in it. You'd have Sky News in here. I think you owe it to the cats, to get to the bottom of it, so to speak."
Woman (entering the cellar) "Fuck off."
Man (calling after her) "Can I have another drink?"
But there was no answer. Perhaps she too could take no more.