Thursday, 21 July 2011
Saturday, 25 September 2010
as they say...It's all done with computers these days, I just press a button then f*** off for a massage & a cocktail usually...
(Article by Michael Holden)
It was All Ears' good fortune to be in New York last week, feeding bread into a rotary toaster at a breakfast buffet, when two young lions of the leisure industry – all shirts and laptops – joined the queue behind me.
Man 1 (clearly in awe of his subject) "We have quarterly meetings, and he's nothing but questions."
Man 2 (of the same opinion) "That's why these guys are who they are. He was an account manager at Morgan Stanley. They see things we don't see."
Man 1 "He's way down in the weeds. We were meeting and he starts asking how the chambermaids know when the room is checked out."
Man 2 "Shit!"
Man 1 "That's what I'm talking about. He doesn't have to worry about that."
Man 2 "But he does!"
Man 1 "Exactly. These guys are spinning stuff around and we don't even feel the motion."
Man 2 (rightly puzzled) What do you mean?"
Man 1 "They're way out there."
Man 2 (like that helped) "Right."
Man 1 "You can't learn that shit. It's instinctive."
Man 2 "The success instinct."
Man 1 "Damn right."
Man 2 "So what did you say?"
Man 2 "About the chambermaids."
Man 1 "Oh right. Well how the fuck would I know? I said I'd get back to him."
Man 2 "So how do they know?"
Man 1 "I don't know. I haven't asked yet."
Man 2 "Don't they just knock on the door, or phone the desk?"
Man 1 "No. I'm guessing there's computers involved."
Saturday, 13 December 2008
(article by Michael Holden)
I was queuing to buy a ticket at a railway station for some time when a man appeared and apologised for the extended delay and said that it was due to a systems failure.
Typically, no one in the line confronted him about what that might mean, but as soon as he had gone everyone starting whining about it, especially the two restless business types behind me.
Man 1 “Unbelievable!”
Man 2 “Computers though, innit? We’re at their mercy.”
Man 1 “My old man just got one.”
Man 2 “How old is he?”
Man 1 “He’s 80.”
Man 2 “What’s he want with a computer?”
Man 1 “I hate to think. Whatever he wants it for it’s my problem now. I showed him the basics, he acted like he understood. But he knows literally nothing: windows, update, delete, it’s all brand new.”
Man 2 “Well it can wind you up the best of times, the old IT.”
Man 1 “As soon as he told me he’d got one I knew it would be a nightmare, but what can you do?”
Man 2 “Say you don’t know nothing about ’em!”
Man 1 (aghast) “Whoa, no, you can’t do that! Someone’s taught you how to walk and talk and wiped your arse, you can’t turn round and act like you can’t help ’em figure something out.”
Man 2 “Yeah, but still, come on. It’s not your problem is it?”
Man 1 “Of course it is!”
Man 2 “What, so if your old man bought… a hovercraft…”
Man 1 “I’d be straight round.”
The other man looked at him hard, as if his theoretical availability in a potential hovercraft/father scenario had made him see him in a new light •