Guardian All Ears 31st July

I was thinking of drawing a complex baroque portrait of Brian Ferry in a bath chair but then thought 'f*** it, I'll draw some pants instead'!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/31/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
Buying some drinks to take outside, I noticed that the pub had filled with men who were exceptionally big. Not in the gym-fit sense, but in the genetically vast sense, and all wearing sensible shoes. So who were they? Cops? Rugby players? Some unholy hybrid of both? The only thing I learned for sure was that they knew a bit about Roxy Music.

Man 1 (clearly the leader) "They weren't that good on Jonathan Ross."

Man 2 (whose function seemed to be to orchestrate the collective response to anything said by Man 1) "No, they weren't."

Man 1 "I went to that 80s thing, that festival. He was there, what was he called? Howard Jones! He was all right. Carol Decker, never had much time for her. Kim Wilde …"

Man 2 (eyes wide)"How was she?"

Man 1 "Well, you still would."

Man 2 "Not half."

(Rest of group "Wahey!")

Man 1 "Then it's Rick Astley. I tell you what, though, he's got the chat. People loved him. Blokes were throwing their pants on stage!"

Man 2 "Mental!"

Man 1 "I saw Ferry do a solo gig at Wembley 20 years ago. You wanna hear the other stuff, but he's just doing his solo stuff. But they weren't all that on Jonathan Ross."

Man 3 (rhetorical) "Well Eno's not there is he?"

Man 1 "Tell you what, I tried to get tickets for Manilow, for the wife and mother-in-law. 249 quid!"

Man 2 "Fuck off!"

Man 1 "Yeah, but what can you do?"

Man 2 (reconciling himself to Manilow's price prerogative) "Yeah."

Festival odds & sods...

Seeing as I almost completely failed to take photos at any festivals this year so far I managed to do lots of drawing

Octopus Zeitgeist

Whilst drawing Paul the psychic octopus for the Guardian the other week I wrote that we'd rather 'missed the octopus zeitgeist' by it being published a week after the World Cup final, then realised (under the Secret Garden influence) what a splendid name it would be...

Guardian All Ears 24th July

Deficit or no deficit...you gotta buy a Smugaboo©
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/24/michael-holdens-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
If you thought all the people who know exactly how the world works and yet seem miraculously uninvolved in actually solving any of its problems were confined to the Internet, think again. Off for a haircut, I wound up in a chair next to one of them, and spent the entire trim noting the abundance of sharp objects in the vicinity and the lack of legal ways in which one might persuade him into silence with them.

Man "There's no deficit. The whole thing's a bloody myth, a sham."

Barber "You think?"

Man "It's obvious. You wait. It's just a way for the government to renege on its responsibilities. There's plenty of money there, I can assure you."

Barber "I dunno …"

Man "I mean, what are they gonna do. Just tell all these single mothers that they have to go and find a job?"

Barber "Yeah. Why not?"

Man "Really?"

Barber "Yeah. That's real life."

Man "You're a hard man!"

Barber (who's Thai) "Tough times all over. You want to come here from Thailand now, you need £20,000."

Man "Really?"

Barber "That's a million baht."

Man "That's a pity, cos you guys are great. I mean, you're the kind of people that should be encouraged."

Barber "Why would I wanna come over here and spend a million baht on your single mother?"

Man "Well, that's what I'm saying. You shouldn't have to, because the money's there …"

Barber "Teach your single mother to cut hair."

He had no immediate answer for that. No doubt his trenchant online persona would formulate an answer in due course.

Guardian All Ears 19th July

I drew this before the World Cup final & (unlike Paul) I wasn't chancing my arm(s?) on a prediction - (& no paella recipes y'hear?)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/17/michael-holden-all-ears

(article by Michael Holden)
Even in pubs where football is not shown, the miasma of related popular opinion still wafts under the door.

Drinker 1 "Seen the octopus on the TV?"

Drinker 2 (sarcastic) "You mean Paul?"

Drinker 1 "Eh?"

Drinker 2 "The fucking World Cup octopus, it's called Paul."

Drinker 1 "You've seen it, then?"

Drinker 2 (annoyed) "'Course I've seen it."

Drinker 1 "What do you reckon to it?"

Drinker 2 (joking again) "I reckon it knows exactly what's it doing; it knows exactly what's going on. It's fucking laughing at us."

Drinker 1 (as if regarding something sublime) "It picks the winners …"

Drinker 2 "After careful consideration?"

Drinker 1 (attentive to his companion's disdain) "It's just a bit of fun, you know?"

Drinker 2 "You think you're any different, the decisions you make? 'Oh, I'll have another pint of lager.' You think you've got the edge on Paul?"

Drinker 1 "How do you mean?"

Drinker 2 "I mean we're no better. Stick a thing in a jar and give it an option; everybody thinks it's hilarious. And if they're laughing then they can forget they're in a jar of their own."

Drinker 1 (missing the point and trying to keep things amiable) "It has its own tank."

Drinker 2 (hostile) "How's your tank?"

Drinker 1 "Eh?"

Drinker 2 (catching himself) "Forget it, I got carried away."

Drinker 1 "It's just a bit of fun, you know?"

Drinker 2 (unamused) "Yeah, I can see that now."

Guardian All Ears 12th July

Chocolate-y!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/10/michael-holden-all-ears-chocolate#
(Article by Michael Holden)
In a coffee shop, a heavily tanned woman fielded questions about her holiday from a friend who appeared almost luminous in comparison.

Woman 1 "How was it then?"

Woman 2 "Absolutely fantastic, just what we needed. And the people were brilliant, couldn't do enough for you."

Woman 1 "What about the hotel?"

Woman 2 "Spotless. Couldn't fault it."

Woman 1 "Did you get all your treatments?"

Woman 2 (suddenly more animated) "Oh. My. God! Yes! Amazing! They take you down into the spa and you can choose. I had a stress reduction massage and Paul had a Thai head massage."

Woman 1 "Ooh, wonderful!"

Woman 2 "And then we both had a chocolate bath."

Woman 1 (pausing for an instant, quite rightly unaware of this vile-sounding innovation in indulgence, and then choosing to act as if she wasn't) "And what was that like then?"

Woman 2 "Amazing."

Woman 1 "Was it all … you know … chocolatey?"

Woman 2 "Oh, yes. Chocolate bubbles, the lot."

Woman 1 "Did it smell of …"

Woman 2 "… chocolate, yes."

Woman 1 (going out on a limb) "So did you have to have another bath afterwards?"

Woman 2 (deciding to let it slide) "No. We went for our dinner. It was like a buffet, you could help yourself. Go back as many times as you wanted."

Woman 1 (relieved to be back on familiar turf) "Ah, yeah, they're brilliant them."

Guardian All Ears 3rd July

One for all you animal lovers this week...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/03/michael-holden-all-ears-cats

(Article by Michael Holden)
A woman who works in a pub near me is sometimes visited by a man with whom she has had, or is having, some sort of relationship. The pattern is the same: she gives him a drink, he asks for another, she refuses, they argue and she gives in or he leaves – usually the latter. Towards the end of the first drink, a conversation sometimes breaks out, of which what follows is a fairly typical example.

Woman "She was looking after her cat, and it killed itself."

Man "Eh?"

Woman "It done itself in."

Man "Cats don't do that!"

Woman "This one did."

Man (abruptly) "How?"

Woman "Threw itself off the balcony."

Man (laughing) "That's the one thing they're good at, innit? Surviving a fall? Nine lives and all that. If you were gonna top yourself, you'd do something different. Swim out to sea or something."

Woman (defiant) "That's what happened."

Man "Bollocks. She's made that up."

Woman "It ain't. There was another cat round the corner. Same thing."

Man (giggling) "Well, what's their angle, you think? Depressed, or just like a cry for help?"

Woman (walking away) "I don't wanna talk to you about it."

Man "Well you should talk about it. I mean, if it's happening, you should call someone. There might be some money in it. You'd have Sky News in here. I think you owe it to the cats, to get to the bottom of it, so to speak."

Woman (entering the cellar) "Fuck off."

Man (calling after her) "Can I have another drink?"

But there was no answer. Perhaps she too could take no more.