Loud phone conversation...check!
Silly facial hair...check!
I win!
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
I said, no tongues!
it's soooo much easier to draw nonsense in your sketchbook when you're supposed to be doing something else!
Saturday, 16 January 2010
Guardian All Ears 16th January
Wondering if there's a phrase for 'middle class fear of builders'? - thought I'd just stoke up the prejudice a little bit more for good measure...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jan/16/all-ears-the-guide
(Article by Michael Holden)
As a perennial drinker I notice people who come only into the pub in
cold weather. They look around as though the dynamics of buying booze
might have changed since they last endorsed such a venue, relax when
everything appears to be the same, and then pull justifiably shocked
faces when confronted with the price. In groups, they talk about the
weather, wondering out loud if we talk about it too much.
Occasionally, a dialogue breaks out from the droning as it did with
two men who sat as close as possible to the fire, which, despite its
glow, gives out no warmth.
Man 1 I’ve still no windows
Man 2 So what have you got?
Man 1 Just boards.
Man 2 How’s that then?
Man 1 Cold.
Man 2 But you live there ok?
Man 1 I stay in the attic
Man 2 How are the builders?
Man 1 Unbelievably thick. It reminded me why I gave up doing all that
for a living. You tell ‘em they’re doing something wrong and they just
sort of tilt their head to one side and look at you. Like when you’ve
told off a dog.
Man 1 That must drive you mad.
Man 2 I don’t let it mostly. I hide up in the attic, then come
downstairs and have a go at them.
Man 1 Like a cross between Anne Frank and Basil Fawltey!
Man 2 It’s no joke.
Man 1. No. I guess not.
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
procrastination dachshunds...
amazing how easy it is to draw what you're not supposed to be drawing...
Saturday, 9 January 2010
Guardian All Ears 9th January
When I sent this in to the newspaper I'd accidentally added an extra asterisk to the word 'wanker' sprayed on the car, which was noticed and duly corrected - rather ironic for the Grauniad I thought...
world's going down the pan if vandals can't spell & punctuate if you ask me!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jan/09/all-ears-michael-holden-the-guide
(Article by Michael Holden)
I was on a train, sat in front of a group of men who spent most of the
journey talking about cars. As this is a subject about which I know
little I didn’t pay too much attention but I couldn’t help but tune in
when one of them made an unusual comparison.
Man 1 (dismayed) “The whole car smelled like trees.”
Man 2 (sombre-as though he had suffered the same nightmare at some
point) “Really…”
Man 1 “Aye, someone had smashed the rear window and the damp had
gotten in. It smelled like my Audi.”
Man 2 “The one you got off your cousin?”
Man 1 (with bitterness) “Yeah, that one.”
Man 2 “How is he?”
Man 1 “Doing well for him self. You have to watch him with money
though. That Audi wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. And he’s pulled
some sort of stunt with his mortgage, God knows how, but he’s ended up
with a four-bedroom place.”
Man 2 “Whereabouts?”
Man 1 “Just around the corner from where he was. It’s still dodgy
though. For all his rooms he’s no garage. Someone had the wheels off
his car, they had the radio.”
Man 2 “What did he do?”
Man 1 “Set it on fire for the insurance. He’s got the new one now.”
Man 2 “What’s it like?”
Pretty smart, but it’s got to him though, the money. I went round to
look at the car and when I got to the house he asked me to take my
shoes off.”
Silence followed, heavy with judgment, as though such protocols were
sub human, and best not dignified with more discussion.
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
words&words&words&words&...
There was a girl on my train this morning who spoke very loudly with no discernible spaces between her words - this is highly unpleasant @ 7.30 in the morning I discovered - it's lucky I'm an illustrator rather than a murderer by trade...
Monday, 4 January 2010
Skeleton-shirt
I don't know about wearing purple when I'm old but I'd definitely sport a skeleton rib cage shirt like this guy in the Blue Posts in Soho the other night
Sunday, 3 January 2010
Guardian All Ears 2nd January
Back on it after a brief hiatus over Christmas (while the Guide wrote lists & the words 'David Tennant' an awful lot of times)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/series/michaelholdensallears
(article by Michael Holden)
I've written before about the Chinese takeaway that has its own microclimate. Suffice to say that at this time of year things are so cold there that to see two other people inside, smiling – and showing no visible signs of hypothermia – seemed reassuring. Perhaps they've finally warmed the place up, I thought, as I opened the door. But as the familiar blend of sub-zero air and the sound and scent of boiling oil embraced me I could see the other customers: a couple in their 60s were drunk and in a warm relationship and couldn't care less about the weather.
Woman (holding man for support) "Where's the food?"
Man (looking down at her affectionately) "Won't be long."
Woman "What we ordered?"
Man "Plenty of everything."
Woman "Are we having prawns?"
Man "No."
Woman (distraught) "Why!"
Man "You never asked for none."
Woman (lurching toward the counter) "I gotta get some!"
Man (firmly but not angrily) "You'll slow everything down!"
Woman (to the owner) "Give us some of them prawns."
Owner "What prawns?"
Woman "Where's the menu?"
Man (sensing the futility of this) "Just give us some chilli salt prawns, would you?"
Woman "That's them!"
Owner "Your food is ready."
Man "Yeah well, we'll wait for the prawns." The woman looked at him as though he was heading into the sea to catch them himself, and he looked back as though he would gladly undertake such an errand, should she require it.
Friday, 18 December 2009
Coffee time!
Coffee time's always like this at my place - isn't it at yours?
Have just submitted this to Threadless so if any of you would like to vote for it to be turned into a T-shirt (& win me $2500) then please register & vote high!
http://www.threadless.com/submission/246448
Thursday, 17 December 2009
Charlie Git & his living hair
Sketchbook ruminations on extreme coiffeurs...be afraid, be very afraid!
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Saturday, 12 December 2009
Guardian All Ears 12th December
Note to self...for reference purposes, in shared studio very unwise to Google 'nurses uniform' with 'Safe Search' option switched off!
(Article by Michael Holden)
I took my place in a hospital queue and a scene of two halves began to
unfold. To my left a woman yelled Apprentice-level business drivel
into her telephone, while to my right three nurses assembled a plastic
Christmas tree.
Woman (indignant) “You haven’t spoken to them about it, you’ve just
talked to me about it, and I’m not the cog that needs to make that
process turn around!”
Nurse 1 (straightening out collapsible branches) “How old is this thing?”
Nurse 2 “At least as old as me, and I’ve been here five years.”
Woman “The message is Ian’s just back from holiday, and if there are
35,000 emails in his inbox then we’re all in trouble… what I said to
you was there are four more files, which are big, messy, nasty ones,
by the way. So you can’t just ignore them.”
Nurse 3 “Where does this bit go?”
Nurse 1 “Stick it in the middle”
Woman (almost screaming) “Well you make a start and then
I will finish it off…I understand that…exactly…anyway. We
can’t do that until we know the value of all the pieces…it’s not a
good idea, Andrew’s not into delegation… I don’t know. I’ve been here
for four hours… I imagine he will go berserk. I shouldn’t have to be
pointing this out!”
Nurse 1 (standing back) “What do we think of that then?”
Woman “Well, as I say, I thought you would have done something
already, but we’ll try and sort it out when I get back. Yes, I got
that. I’m getting the fact that you’re unhappy.”
Nurse 2 (laughing) “Look at the state of it!”
Woman “Ok then, thanks.”
She hung up and noticed the pitiful tree. It would take more than that
to make things better.
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
Muriel!
Impromptu creation for recent basement party in sunny Bethnal Green - it's an E2 thing - you dig? (click on it to see it BIG!)
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Guardian All Ears 5th December
(Article by Michael Holden)
I could see the man at the next table was having a hard time from the way he held his drinks-for dear life, it seemed. He stared into the middle distance with an air of furious sorrow and swallowed beer in great mouthfuls, around a third of a pint each time. At the end of his second something like relief came to his face and then he was joined by a friend who bought another drink to his table.
Man 1 (upbeat) “How are we.”
Man 2 (morose) “In fucking bits.”
Man 1 “You haven't slept at all?”
He shook his head
Man 1 “I don't know how you get away with it.”
Man 2 “I don't though, do I? That's why I'm in here.”
Man1 “It could be worse.”
Man 2 “How? How feasibly could it be worse?”
Man 1 “Look, if I’d known you were gonna do the whole self pity thing I wouldn’t have come.”
Man 2 “No, I’m sorry. I do appreciate it. Or I will do when I get myself together.”
Man 1 “Well be sure and give me a ring when that happens.”
Man 2 (finishing his pint) “I’m feeling better already.”
Man 1 “Good, well, one step at a time eh?”
Man 2 “Yeah.”
Then he got up and walked to the toilet and was sick so loudly you could hear him through the door and over the jukebox, which was playing Christmas tunes.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Nice pear...
there's a theme developing here (I seem to remember all computers were named after fruit & vegetables in the '80s - there was definitely an Acorn & an Apricot?)
Monday, 30 November 2009
Robbers
Front cover for Communicators magazine on internet security (& a great excuse for PROPER robbers!) Things would be sooo much simpler if people dressed to type & animals ate what they're supposed to eat (bears - honey, elephants - buns etc.)
Saturday, 28 November 2009
Guardian All Ears 28th November
During the drawing of this picture my computer crashed forcing me to have to draw those creepy twins from the X Factor twice - I can categorically state that I have never watched the wretched thing - horrible easy listening mush for all the family - but you can't escape seeing them everywhere - rant! rant! rant!
(Article by Michael Holden)
Years of satanic number crunching at my local train company appear to have finally yielded a system that enables them to deploy the absolute minimum of carriages no matter what time of day it is. So, off-peak travel – once one of the great perks of self employment – is now just a grotesque and scaled-down, Fisher-Price rush hour. The torment of others, which might ordinarily have been confined to an avoidable area, now closes in from every side.
Woman 1 (to my right, "waking up" having feigned sleep to stop people trying to sit next to her) "Give us that mag."
Woman 2 (opposite her, defending her own space with a bottle of partially drunk cola and a crescent of low-rent magazines, one of which she passed over) "That had me laughing out loud."
Woman 3 (directly opposite-reading from a paper to a husband who made faces but never replied) "That zero-carbon housing development is going ahead."
Man 1 (behind me - talking into his phone) "Theo! Theo! It's Mark. I've been in Sweden … and Hamburg … I'm on the train … I think the problem is with the gearboxes … yeah, it's a bad signal …"
Woman 2 "Did I tell you what happened at work? I only had the key for the top lock, and I asked her for the key to the bottom lock and she give me a load of grief."
Woman 1 (ignoring her, staring at her mobile) "I can't do that predictive text."
Man 1 "Theo … Theo can you hear me? Theo? Can you hear me?"
I put on some music before any of these crucial issues were resolved.
Thursday, 26 November 2009
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
Monday, 23 November 2009
Guardian All Ears 21st November
I've always wanted to include Pocari Sweat* in an illustration (* Japanese isotonic drink with amusing name) - figured a bottle of Metaxa for the Greek reference might be slightly over-egging things perhaps...
(article by Michael Holden)
You might think there are places you can eat in the world where the couple on the next table won’t turn out to be English. And you might think a Japanese restaurant, in Athens might be among them. And you’d be wrong. The man looked like he could have been in Right Said Fred, the woman looked like Naomi Campbell disguised as Casey Jones.
Woman (looking at the man as he sat down): “You look bigger in your photographs.”
Man: (not joking) “Yes. I am bigger.”
Woman (sitting) “Busy day?”
Man “Not really. Lots have people have to wear a suit to work but not me, not today. I was going to wear a tie, but my big meeting got changed till Monday morning.
Woman (looking dubiously at the menu, and then around the restaurant) “I'm not really sure about the meat…”
Man “They have chicken…you know what chicken is?”
Woman “Yes I like chicken. Maybe I can try salmon?”
Man “Have what you like. Eat what you feel…”
Woman “I have to go to the toilet, will you order for me?”
Man “Sure.”
Woman (back-after less than a minute) “It’s busy. I don't like waiting in toilets. You never know what germs are there. I'd rather wait in here.”
Eventually some food arrived.
Man “You’ve seen chopsticks before?”
Woman “Yes, once. In Leeds.”
Man (demonstrating) “These will be the same. You can do it the Japanese way or the Chinese way…”
Woman (regarding the tempura he was holding-which to be fair-did look quite phallic) “What’s that about then?”
They burst out laughing. Then she opened her mouth and he steered the crooked lump of batter between her lips while I prayed for the bill.
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Skater-boy
No reason for this (but I must admit to rather enjoying watching kids continually fall off at the Southbank - does this make me a bad person?)
Armchair Sinister Bird Theatre
I wish this completely fictitious made-up TV programme had existed for real, but alas...
I often think TV would be so much better if there were more made-up programmes
Monday, 16 November 2009
Rabbit sketches
Some sketchbook nonsense based around my 'Rabbits' short
http://stevemaystuff.blogspot.com/2008/06/rabbits.html
Guardian All Ears 14th November
For me medical waiting rooms always beg a kid with a chamber pot stuck on it's head but I had to resist the temptation this week...might just go & draw a random one now!
(article by Micheal Holden)
I was stuck on a plane for an hour recently while the airport authorities searched for a bus to take us to the terminal. As codas to already unpleasant journeys go, it sucked. I did however get to find out all about my fellow traveller’s toenail.
Man 1 “I literally hobbled in there. You could see it was the foot place-there were a lot of people in sandals. Lot’s of toes in big white cocoons of bandages-the sort of thing you might see a silk moth fly out of.”
Man 2 “Like a sort of Carry On bandage?”
Man 1 “Exactly. So they ask me what’s up and I tell them it’s an ingrown toenail. I can’t walk, and in the end it’s got so bad I can hardly sleep. So they sit me down in this massive queue.
Man 2 (eager for details of institutional inefficiency) “And how long did that take?”
Man 1 “Maybe half an hour.”
Man 2 (disappointed) “Oh.”
Man 1 “In the end this bloke turns up-quite serious looking, like a sort of gangster almost, He takes a look and says, ‘that is bad, mate.’ He says, ‘we’ll operate on Tuesday. We’ll take that bit off, we’ll destroy the root with chemicals and it’ll never grow again.”
Man 2 “Pretty brutal.”
Man 1 “ Apparently it’s that or a vicious circle of antibiotics. Anyway I’ve asked him if there’s anything they can do now and he sort of looked about to see if anyone was looking. Asked me if I was squeamish-I said no. Made me promise not to kick him-I said fine. And he just dug half the nail out with a scalpel there and then. I felt like screaming but I tell you what I walked out of there better than I walked in!”
Man 2 “And you still had the operation?”
Man 1 “Yeah, but they seemed a bit put out that the other guy had sorted me out first. One doctor said, ‘we don’t do that field hospital stuff here anymore-did he put a bit of wood in your mouth?’ I said, ‘No, but it was a bit Medieval.’ And then the other doctor says, ‘Well, he is West Ham.’ I said I don’t care who he is, it worked.”
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
Monday, 9 November 2009
Saturday, 7 November 2009
Guardian All Ears 7th November
(Thought I'd put the original rough up because I'm not so happy with the colours on this one)
(Article by Michael Holden)
Outside a café I sat near a set of identical twins, women in their mid sixties, dressed alike and gearing themselves up for a duet of synchronized complaining that, had it been a piece of music, might have been eligible for some sort of prize.
Twin 1 (surveying the mild autumn sky) “This is my kind of weather…”
Twin 2 (staring moodily at the waiting staff) “What’s wrong with these people?”
Twin 1 “Did you ask for more jam?”
Twin 2 “Yes but she didn’t understand me.”
I looked at their table. They were eating scones and had what seemed to me to be an adequate amount of jam to be going on with.
Twin 1 (stopping a waitress) “We need more jam!”
The waitress smiled and walked inside.
Twin 2 “She won’t speak English. It’s the same in Waitrose.”
Another waitress appeared and gave them more jam.
Twin 1 (looking angrily at the tiny jars) “These have the lids on!”
Twin 2 “The others had the lids off!”
Twin 1 “It’s the inconsistency…”
She stopped a waitress and held out a jar.
Twin 2 “Can you open this?”
Twin 1 “It’s no good. They can’t understand you.”
The waitress took the jam and opened it.
Twin 2 “This is different jam altogether.”
Twin 1 “It’s the wrong jam!”
They now had no scones and a surplus of jam. A problem they surmounted by spooning it directly into the mouths while looking beadily about for trouble, like human wasps.
Monday, 2 November 2009
Saturday, 31 October 2009
Marks & Spencers Halloween
Designed these for Halloween 2007 but they're using them again this year to fill people's kids up with weird crisps & sweets - here's a selection of some of them - will put some packaging photos up if I can get my feeble ill arse out of the house to take some
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