Guardian All Ears

Creepy Shining twins survey the traffic flora & fauna...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/feb/27/michael-holdens-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
Three kids-two girls of around five and boy who might have been seven-were sat on the front upstairs seats of a bus. The girls were sitting together and the boy was next to a man with headphones on, who looked too young and disinterested to be their father, and he wasn’t. When their dad did finally tell them to be quiet he did so from the comparative sonic safety of a seat several rows behind them. Those of us sat in between though were subject to full force of his children’s shrill enquiries.
Girl 1 (loudly) “How does hair grow?”
Boy (with complete confidence)“Hair is like magic.”
Girl 1 “How do people grow?”
Boy “People grow at night. If you go to bed early you will grow tall.”
Girl 2 “How do buses grow?”
Boy “Buses are just like buses. They don’t’ grow.”
Girls (in unison, having sensed an opportunity) “How do traffic
lights grow?”
Boy (playing into their hands) “Traffic lights don’t grow.”
Girls (gaining momentum now, and growing sinister-like the twins in
The Shining) “How do taxis grow?”
Boy (banging his head on the seat with each syllable, frustrated with the game which he had partly created) “Taxis-don’t-grow!
Girl 1 “How do people die?”
Girl 2 (straight afterwards) “Why do people have red hair?”
Father (as though having his children unlock two of the great mysteries of existence before a captive audience might be more than the universe could bear.) “That’s enough kids. Shut up now.” •

Guardian All Ears 20th February

Decided to run with the dissonance & 'hieroglyphic exclamations' in the text (with a little added dairy product of course)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/feb/20/all-ears-the-guide


(Article by Michael Holden)
On busy trains conversations rise like dissonant music from all
angles, leaving you to bear befuddled and silent witness to the
results. Departing Manchester recently I was regaled by the almost
hieroglyphic exclamations of a Welsh woman in the seat behind me,
themselves punctuated by outbursts from a businessman and his clearly
long-suffering PA to my left-referred to here for reasons of clarity
as Alan and Lynne.

Woman (on the phone) “Did he tick all the boxes?”

Alan: (jabbing at a chart) “He’s lost focus”

Woman “You’re kidding?”
Alan: “He needs to get focused again”

Woman: “You’re (+I)kidding(-I)!”
Lynne: “Here’s the schedule for next month.”

Woman: “I got rid of all my yoghurts”

Alan: “Salesmen will always benefit from focus.”

Woman “Remember he’s on holidays…the slim guy with the glasses and the
army jacket and the long hair…well he told me he was on holiday…you
said it was super. You couldn’t see? Well that’s gutting that
is…that’ll be your last scan now, unless you pay for another…they’re
coming down are they?”

Lynne (nervously watching Alan read something) “It all adds up.”

Alan (dismissive) “There’s no point doing the math.”

Woman: “You’re breaking up. I’m going to a meeting but I feel so
un-meetinglike.”
Alan: (waving the paper angrily) “I can’t read this, cut to the chase!
Where are the bombs in this agenda, where are the bombs, the IEDs?”

Lynne (stifling a scream but still loudly, while snatching back the
documents) “IT’S JUST A LIST OF IDEAS.”

That shut him up, for a while.

Guardian All Ears 16th January

Wondering if there's a phrase for 'middle class fear of builders'? - thought I'd just stoke up the prejudice a little bit more for good measure...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jan/16/all-ears-the-guide

(Article by Michael Holden)

As a perennial drinker I notice people who come only into the pub in
cold weather. They look around as though the dynamics of buying booze
might have changed since they last endorsed such a venue, relax when
everything appears to be the same, and then pull justifiably shocked
faces when confronted with the price. In groups, they talk about the
weather, wondering out loud if we talk about it too much.
Occasionally, a dialogue breaks out from the droning as it did with
two men who sat as close as possible to the fire, which, despite its
glow, gives out no warmth.

Man 1 I’ve still no windows

Man 2 So what have you got?

Man 1 Just boards.

Man 2 How’s that then?

Man 1 Cold.

Man 2 But you live there ok?

Man 1 I stay in the attic

Man 2 How are the builders?

Man 1 Unbelievably thick. It reminded me why I gave up doing all that
for a living. You tell ‘em they’re doing something wrong and they just
sort of tilt their head to one side and look at you. Like when you’ve
told off a dog.

Man 1 That must drive you mad.

Man 2 I don’t let it mostly. I hide up in the attic, then come
downstairs and have a go at them.

Man 1 Like a cross between Anne Frank and Basil Fawltey!

Man 2 It’s no joke.

Man 1. No. I guess not.

Guardian All Ears 9th January

When I sent this in to the newspaper I'd accidentally added an extra asterisk to the word 'wanker' sprayed on the car, which was noticed and duly corrected - rather ironic for the Grauniad I thought...

world's going down the pan if vandals can't spell & punctuate if you ask me!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jan/09/all-ears-michael-holden-the-guide

(Article by Michael Holden)
I was on a train, sat in front of a group of men who spent most of the
journey talking about cars. As this is a subject about which I know
little I didn’t pay too much attention but I couldn’t help but tune in
when one of them made an unusual comparison.

Man 1 (dismayed) “The whole car smelled like trees.”

Man 2 (sombre-as though he had suffered the same nightmare at some
point) “Really…”
Man 1 “Aye, someone had smashed the rear window and the damp had
gotten in. It smelled like my Audi.”
Man 2 “The one you got off your cousin?”

Man 1 (with bitterness) “Yeah, that one.”

Man 2 “How is he?”
Man 1 “Doing well for him self. You have to watch him with money
though. That Audi wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. And he’s pulled
some sort of stunt with his mortgage, God knows how, but he’s ended up
with a four-bedroom place.”
Man 2 “Whereabouts?”
Man 1 “Just around the corner from where he was. It’s still dodgy
though. For all his rooms he’s no garage. Someone had the wheels off
his car, they had the radio.”
Man 2 “What did he do?”
Man 1 “Set it on fire for the insurance. He’s got the new one now.”

Man 2 “What’s it like?”
Pretty smart, but it’s got to him though, the money. I went round to
look at the car and when I got to the house he asked me to take my
shoes off.”
Silence followed, heavy with judgment, as though such protocols were
sub human, and best not dignified with more discussion.

Guardian All Ears 2nd January

Back on it after a brief hiatus over Christmas (while the Guide wrote lists & the words 'David Tennant' an awful lot of times)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/series/michaelholdensallears

(article by Michael Holden)

I've written before about the Chinese takeaway that has its own microclimate. Suffice to say that at this time of year things are so cold there that to see two other people inside, smiling – and showing no visible signs of hypothermia – seemed reassuring. Perhaps they've finally warmed the place up, I thought, as I opened the door. But as the familiar blend of sub-zero air and the sound and scent of boiling oil embraced me I could see the other customers: a couple in their 60s were drunk and in a warm relationship and couldn't care less about the weather.

Woman (holding man for support) "Where's the food?"

Man (looking down at her affectionately) "Won't be long."

Woman "What we ordered?"

Man "Plenty of everything."

Woman "Are we having prawns?"

Man "No."

Woman (distraught) "Why!"

Man "You never asked for none."

Woman (lurching toward the counter) "I gotta get some!"

Man (firmly but not angrily) "You'll slow everything down!"

Woman (to the owner) "Give us some of them prawns."

Owner "What prawns?"

Woman "Where's the menu?"

Man (sensing the futility of this) "Just give us some chilli salt prawns, would you?"

Woman "That's them!"

Owner "Your food is ready."

Man "Yeah well, we'll wait for the prawns." The woman looked at him as though he was heading into the sea to catch them himself, and he looked back as though he would gladly undertake such an errand, should she require it.

Guardian All Ears 6th June

Apologies for rather crass scouse stereotype this week - sometimes one is persuaded into slipping into visual cliché (no apologies for HP sauce though - it RULES!)

(article by Michael Holden)
I was having a cup of tea in a café at the end of the football season. Apart from a young couple talking at the table behind me, no one else was there. The young man seemed a bit agitated, the Woman was trying to keep things bright and cheerful, which only seemed to annoy him more.
Man : (reading from the sports section of the Daily Mirror) Here y'are, look at this - Liverpool only lost two games throughout the season and they STILL didn't win the title. That's how tight it is now.

Woman : (sounding like she meant it) Only lost twice? Wow!

Man : (tapping the paper emphatically in indication of something) yeah, but look - draw, draw, draw, draw. That was where it all went tits up.

Woman : Oh right. I see.

Man : (complacent) stats dont lie. Look at this - Gareth Bale, made 23 starts for Spurs - lost everyone of them. Never been on the winning side.

Woman : Why doesn't he join another team?

Man : Well it's not the team, is it? It's not the team that's the problem, is it? It's him, obviously.

Woman : Is he rubbish?

Man : Well, what do you think?

He waited, as though to allow her time to absorb the full magnitude of what he thought he was saying.

Man : It's not as simple as that, anyway.

Woman : Is football finished now then?

Man : Yeah. well, until August.

Woman : And then it all starts again?

Man (annoyed that things were not as esoteric as he might have liked) : It's a simple thing made complicated.

I sneaked a glance as I left - he'd flung the paper onto the table and she'd picked it up. He was staring out of the window, She was looking at the TV pages.

Guardian All Ears 16th May

Hmmm - men of a certain inclination & demographic... it's a fair cop!
In mitigation I'd like to point out I never wore white gloves, bandanas or bought Vick's Vaporub - as for Smiley t-shirts - wasn't it only undercover cops & Daily Mail journalists uncovering 'this evil Acid cult' that wore them anyway?

'you...think it's cool to wear a Smiley!' © Julian H Cope - well said sir!

(article by Michael Holden)

By inclination and demographic I am drawn to the concerns of men who can’t quite believe that they are now, irrefutably, adults. I was fortunate then to find myself sharing a bus with two such characters, probably in their early 40’s, one of whom had an urgent confession.

Man 1 “I hadn’t heard this tune in 15, 20 years. But I was obsessed with it like, back in the day. So I’m finishing my lunch and this bloke in the bar, setting up for the evening, sticks it on..”

Man 2 “Mental.”

Man 1 “Innit? I tell you mate a fucking chill went down my spine. I thought I was dreaming, then I’ve gone up and I’ve told him how I used to love this song but I never knew what it was and all of that.”

Man 2 “And what’s he said?”

Man 1 “Well he’s loving it. He’s one of us of course, went to all the same do’s. So I got on the fucking Internet, and this is the thing, you can buy it, just like that. Three days later the things come through the door except it hasn’t. The postman’s left it next door, they’ve given it to the wife so when I get in she’s got the envelope and wants to know what’s what.”

Man 2 “What’d you say.”

Man “Well I’ve told her, but there’s no way I’m sticking it on while she’s in ‘cos she’ll say something, start taking the piss. So I’ve waited till she’s gone out and wallop, I’ve cranked it up.”

Man 2 “How was that?

Man 1 “It was fucking awesome mate, like time travel. It made me wanna get right on it.”

Man 2 “So what you gonna do?”

Man 1 “I’m gonna wait till I’m on my own and do it again.”