Guardian All Ears 13th December

(article by Michael Holden)

I was queuing to buy a ticket at a railway station for some time when a man appeared and apologised for the extended delay and said that it was due to a systems failure.
Typically, no one in the line confronted him about what that might mean, but as soon as he had gone everyone starting whining about it, especially the two restless business types behind me.
Man 1 “Unbelievable!”
Man 2 “Computers though, innit? We’re at their mercy.”
Man 1 “My old man just got one.”
Man 2 “How old is he?”
Man 1 “He’s 80.”
Man 2 “What’s he want with a computer?”
Man 1 “I hate to think. Whatever he wants it for it’s my problem now. I showed him the basics, he acted like he understood. But he knows literally nothing: windows, update, delete, it’s all brand new.”
Man 2 “Well it can wind you up the best of times, the old IT.”
Man 1 “As soon as he told me he’d got one I knew it would be a nightmare, but what can you do?”
Man 2 “Say you don’t know nothing about ’em!”
Man 1 (aghast) “Whoa, no, you can’t do that! Someone’s taught you how to walk and talk and wiped your arse, you can’t turn round and act like you can’t help ’em figure something out.”
Man 2 “Yeah, but still, come on. It’s not your problem is it?”
Man 1 “Of course it is!”
Man 2 “What, so if your old man bought… a hovercraft…”
Man 1 “I’d be straight round.”
The other man looked at him hard, as if his theoretical availability in a potential hovercraft/father scenario had made him see him in a new light •

Guardian All Ears 6th December

Don't ask me about the Dalek, I just like them OK?


(Article by Michael Holden)

I left a party, to have a smoke with the assembled lung worriers outside just as one of them was loudly lamenting the mixed blessings of his newfound single status.

Man 1 (holding a beer bottle in much the same as way aggressive preachers deploy their bible) “I had no youth, right? If you think about it I totally missed the whole freedom thing. I was with her for ten years. So this is all new to me. I’m like, what the fuck are you gonna do?”

Man 2 “Well what are you gonna do? You’ve got your own place, just go nuts, really go for it. I would.”

Man 1 (forlorn) “It’s not that clean cut though is it? I just don’t know what to do. You talk to women and then what happens?”

Man 2 “If they like you they sleep with you and if they don’t they won’t. It’s the same as before”

Man 1 “The guy I share the flat with, he’s really handsome, a ridiculous looking bloke, like an advert or something. He’s got these women coming all the time.”

Man 2 “Well you can clean up in his slipstream then. Is he thick?”

Man 1 (sensing a plan) “Yeah, he’s pretty stupid. I think, yeah.”

Man 2 “Well they’ll get tired of him and then you move in, acting clever.”

Man 1 (annoyed at the lack of a more realistic proposal) “There’s more to it though, he doesn’t flush the toilet. And these girls, I know they’re gonna think it’s me.”

Man 2 “Why.”

Man 1 “Because I look like the kind of person who might do that- he looks like he wouldn’t even go in there.”

Man 2 “Well, you’re gonna have to have a word with him.”

Man 1 (face falling as though visualising the issue a little too clearly) “Yeah…I am.”

Spot...

Seem to have developed the complexion of a 15 year old overnight which is faintly distressing - must be too much good living or similar

Bang! Crash! Bah!

Portrait of the artist mid crash-tantrum! Horrible sense of déja vu while one redraws everything from the last half hour...grrr

All Ears 29th November

(Article by Michael Holden)

It was a scene of quintessentially British misery-a train delayed for no explicable reason in the driving rain. As I stared at the seat in front of me trying not to consider what proportion of my life had been spent under such circumstances I became aware of what the women sat across from me were saying.

Woman 1 (as though finally admitting something of great magnitude) “It was my niece that made me think about the wedding ring. She asked me if I still had it and I realised I had kept it-I don’t know why I had.”

Woman 2 “We don’t know why we do things sometimes do we? We’re a mystery to ourselves.”

Woman 1 “It was a few weeks before I dug it out. Wimbledon was on the telly, I remember that much. I tried it on, it still fitted. Then I saw a shop that said “We Buy Gold” so I took it in. they weighted it up in this sort of alchemist’s balance, she said it was worth £26 to them. Well, I thought, it’s better that than nothing. So I took it.”

Woman 2 “Good for you.”

Woman 1 “I looked in the window as I left and there were others there, 18 carat, just like mine, for £200. I thought, ‘is that what they do?”

Woman 2 “I suppose it must be.”

Woman 1 “Anyway, it’s gone.”

Woman 2 “That’s the main thing.”

Woman 1 “They had some others too, platinum and white gold…”

Woman 2 “Platinum’s lovely.”

Woman 1 “Not to me it isn’t. I come up in a rash.”

Guardian All Ears 22nd November

If I were to renounce the world of illustration & go into catering I'd like to think my emporium would be called Kebabylon - definitely with an interior like 'The Stone Cave' in Dalston

http://www.stonecave.net/


(article by Michael Holden)

I live nearby a kebab shop of such repute that people actually go there and eat at tables on purpose when sober. In was waiting for a takeaway when a man limped in and joined another at a table.

Man 1 “What happened to you?”

Man 2 (slightly ashamed) “I tripped over the cat as I was coming out. Fell down the stairs.”

Man 1 “You alright.”

Man 2 “I will be in a bit. Done some painkillers.”

Man 1 “Similar thing happened to me. Went to my sister’s the other day and they’ve painted all the doors the same colour, so I end up going to the wrong flat. I’ve realised and jumped down the stairs to go next door but before I hit the ground I see this-thing-come into my vision moving the other way. And I realise I’m gonna land on it.”

Man 2 “What?”

Man 1 “A rat. “

Man 2 “What did you do?”

Man 1 “Well, I’m mid-air, so there’s not much I can do. I try and take my weight off the foot, but I hit it anyway. You should have heard it. Horrible sound. I don’t like rats at the best of times, so I’ve screamed too.”

Man 2 “Did you burst it?”

Man 1 “No, it wasn’t that bad. It ran off, but I was scared so I ran too. For a while we were both running in the same direction, side by side. It was mental. It peeled off in the end. But, I tell you, I can hear it screaming still.”

Guardian All Ears 15th November

Got slightly carried away with computer geek magazine detail - predicting the new feline themed Mac OS X version - remember I got there first!


(article by Micheal Holden)

I spend enough time in my local library to know by sight the others who do the same and I recognize and respect the hierarchy that exists there, especially among those who have nowhere else to go. Their leader is a bald man, in his sixties perhaps, who can read a single newspaper for up to eight hours. He seldom speaks, except to remonstrate with those who break his self-inflicted protocols of behaviour. The other day though he began almost flirting with woman half his age who was reading a computer magazine at his table.

Man (realizing they were both staring at the rain) “Time to go somewhere else perhaps. Like Morocco.”

Woman (smiling) “Yes”

Man (showing her the weather reports in his paper) “It’s warmer there, see.”

Woman (still smiling) “Yes.”

Man (pointing out a news story) “Did you see this? A pensioner 86, I think, confronted these two robbers. They probably went into shock, people don’t expect it, I mean once you're that age they pretty much write you off, nobody expects anything from you.”

The woman nodded, but her smile seemed more laboured.

Man (pointing at the story again) “Look I was right! They fled in shock, and there were about 50 people standing there doing nothing, the usual story.”

Man (noticing an advert on the same page) “Are you planning on visiting the Byzantine exhibition at the Royal Academy?”

Woman (unnecessarily firm) “No. I’m not interested.”

Man (unphased) “Well, I guess, these are things from the beginning of history, you're young. There would be no point in you going anyway.”

Guardian All Ears 8th November

I love a bit of 'motivational speak' - I wonder if I'll ever make employee of the month?

(Article by Michael Holden)

I was in an especially busy city centre branch of a multinational burger chain trying to soothe my brain with saturated fats and staring out the window when I heard a repetitive cry, rising above the background of everyday bedlam.

Man’s Voice: (deep, enquiring, monotone, suggesting neural meltdown) “Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?”

When it didn’t stop I turned round to check what was happening and was surprised to see the sound came from the franchise manager, a small man who leaped up behind his staff like a fat salmon in an attempt to take an order from the crowd of punters who seemed far too alarmed by the noise he was making to take up his offer of assistance.

Manager: (seeing that his team were coping with the mayhem and resorting to a deranged medley of motivational phrases at unbearable volume) “That’s it! That’s It! That’s It! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s Go! Now! Now! Now! Now!”

There are few situations in life where someone screaming the word “Now!” makes things any better so it was a relief when he developed a new refrain.

Manager: “Push the button! Push the button! Push the button!”

I watched the staff, the button was clearly metaphorical, but it worked. People got fed.

Manager: (wild, victorious, still yelling) “I told you I was in Beiing! We can do this! Motivation! Now!”

When the crowd departed so did he, he had tears in his eyes, or maybe congealed fat, I couldn’t say.

Guardian All Ears 1st November

I figured the Guardian audience might pick up on the Hogarth steals in the background (see article) while the ironic metal t-shirt is just a personal obsession at the moment - as are alarmingly low slung jeans on men who are 'old enough to know better'

(I realise I probably fit into that demographic but my trouserage is generally less ill informed)


(Article by Micheal Holden)
Queuing for an art exhibition I was distracted from the disparity between my expectations of what I was waiting to see and the tedium of the wait itself by the men behind me whose conversation seemed calculated to impress what they must have assumed was a learned audience.

Man 1 “You could go and see an original Hogarth, but I mean really, what are you looking at, it’s a print. The guy was an engraver.”

Man 2 “He couldn’t trust his printers apparently.”

Man 1 (anxious to display affinity with another subject) “Hmm…did you hear about the recent research on pharmaceutical copyrights? They told half the sample matrix they were taking branded American drugs and the other half they were using third world copies. Everyone reported better results with the American one, but of course, they were all placebos!”

Man 2 (not to be outdone) “What about Formula One? They say they’re cutting down on their emissions, but, think about it, they actually (+I)fly(-I) cars around the world!”

Man 1 (looking at sign on the gallery wall) “How many memberships do you think they need to sell to break even?”

Man 2 (looking at the queue) “I’m surprise they don’t have automatic barriers here”

Man 1 (all knowing) “Well they can create more problems than they solve.”

Man 2 (annoyed that he had lost his friend’s full attention) “What are you doing?”

Man 1 “Sending a text to Zoe. I’m being self deprecating. How do you spell zeitgeist?”

Man 2 (theatrically appalled) “I’d have thought (+I)you((-I) of all people would have known (+I)that(-I).

Credit crunch...

My nonsensical take on all recent things financial inspired by trying to avoid finishing some other work & haphazardly answering a friend's brief for a book cover (she has sensibly ignored my 'advice')

Guardian All Ears 25th October

I know, I know, racial stereotypes are soooo easy but sometimes they're begging to be used! Wonder if I could get a Matalan tattoo somewhere - classy! (apologies for any mangling of French language involved in above illo)


(Article by Micheal Holden)

I was standing a queue for a cash machine-the only around that doesn’t charge a fee for its services-when the man behind me was joined by a friend who must have gone for a wander about to kill time.

Man 1 “You won’t believe what I’ve just seen.”

Man 2 “What?”

Man 1 “There’s a bloke up there, in the market, with the Pizza Express logo tattooed on his arm!”

Man 2 “Really?”

Man 1 “That’s what it looked like, I had a pretty good look at it.”

Man 2 “You see these things on the internet, sponsored tattoos.”

Man 1 “Mugs. You wouldn’t see something like that in France, they’ve got too much self respect.”

Man 2 “I was there last week.”

Man 1 “Any corporate tattoos?”

Man 2 “No. Mind you it was cold. They are nuts though, in their own way. I was in a supermarket, at the checkout and this bloke got angry because I hadn’t moved put the little ledge-the one that says ‘next customer’ at the end of my shopping.

Man 1 “How angry?”

Man 2 “He had a mutter and then sort of snatched at the sign and slammed it down. My mate who I stayed with says it’s a big thing over there, a proper insult if you don’t do it. And yet when there’s any real trouble on the cards…bosh, they’re gone.”

Man 1 “Like I said, too much self respect.”

Man 2 “Too much for their own good.”

Man 1 “But you have to respect them for that.”

Man 2 (visibly baffled but playing along) “Yeah, yeah. I do, I do.”

Emo...

Slightly hefty emo kids rule! (for Sean)

Superheroes gone bad...

The queen of the Amazons hits Lidl...

Superheroes gone bad...

The good captain getting some good ol' republican 'inspiration'

Guardian All Ears 18th October

The Kirk Douglas picture is very small - but hopefully well formed! Couldn't resist the can of 'Wifebeater' or the circle of shame!

On a train just pulling out of the station I watched as a couple with a young kid collapsed into the seats across from me. Their joy at having made it was amplified by their amazement at finding seats together across a table and while the mum opened a magazine the father celebrated with a bottle of lager.

Child: “What’s that?”

Man: “It’s for me to drink?”

Child: “Is it a beer?”

Man: “That’s exactly what it is.”

The kid tired of its enquiries and stared out the window while the man looked up and down the carriage in admiration.

Man: (to no-one) “We should have these sorts of trains on our line. Ten carriages. Smart.”

As his family had lost interest in him he pulled out some kind of digital device and started prodding it.

Man: (craving a response) “I’m being stalked on Facebook.”

Woman: (giving in) “Who by?”

Man: (sounding worried) “I don’t know the name, no idea who it is-but-he’s using the picture of young Kirk Douglas, it’s quite disconcerting.”

He handed the phone over to the woman to inspect

Man: “He’s got one friend. You could make it up.”

Woman: “How do you know it’s a man?”

Man: “Well he’s using the picture of a young Kirk Douglas so I thought…”

The woman handed him the phone back and looked at him as if to say, “enough of this, you are an idiot.”

Child: “Who’s Kirk Douglas?”

Man: “A man on the Internet.”

Woman (decisive): “Never mind.”

Article by Micheal Holden

Guardian All Ears 11th October

The cake Fonz...

I’ve been visiting the same bakery for over a decade and never in that time have I enjoyed anything more than straightforward transaction-based conversations with the staff, nor have I seen them talk much to anyone else except to remonstrate with the intoxicated and the clearly insane. I was horrified then to pop in the other day and find a bloke engaging in what might be described as light hearted repartee with the normally stoic staff.

Bakery Woman: (big grin on her face) “Small tea or a large?”

Man: (winking and smiling) “Large.”

Bakery Woman: (blushing with the innuendo) “I’d never have guessed!”

Man: (indicating cakes) “What are these?”

Bakery Woman: “Coconut and jam slice.”

Man: “What are they like?”

Bakery Woman: “Dunno, I never had one, they look nice though.”

Man: (gurning under the weight of his own wit) “Give me the (+I)biggest(-I) one.”

Bakery Woman: (turning purple, serving it up) Ooh…anything else?”

Man: “That’ll be it…for now.”

Bakery Woman: “Two pound seventy”

Man (winking again, offering money) “Make it three pounds.”

Bakery Woman: (melting) “Ta, see you soon babe.”

Man: (waving to everyone, even the queue) “See you soon.”

What kind of madman tips people in a bakery, I wondered, at the same time feeling rather cheap. The man left on what seemed to me to be a cloud of self-satisfaction and purchased familiarity. The next guy in line, evidently impressed, ordered exactly the same things. Christ, I thought, I’ve just met the cake-Fonz, and everyone loves him but me.

Article by Michael Holden

Me being a TV pundit...

My moment of recent TV glory on a programme called 'When Were we Funniest?' reminiscing about directing Ivan Dobsky the Meatsafe Murderer for 'Monkeydust'
I wonder if there's anything such as an 'E-list' celebrity? Watch out Justin Lee Collins you c***!

Some new bits...

These were designed (& rejected) for an Orange pitch - should I switch to Vodaphone or is that just petty? Hmmm...

Guardian All Ears 4th October

As a kid I always thought the shops in Museums & other places of interest were the best bits - where you could buy dinosaur pencil cases or Tudor fudge etc. Anyway - didn't think this weeks copy was that great but I quite like the picture what I done...

I had gone to hear a lecture at a museum-quite a sedate affair you might think-but as I took my place in the auditorium I had no idea that an insane and wholly unnecessary micro-drama would soon be unfolding in front of me. It was only when one of the curators stepped up to the podium that the truth about the evening began to unfold.

Curator: (stern look on his face suggesting antiquities in peril) “After the talk there will be a ten minute comfort break, during which refreshments will not be available. But I must ask those of you here with children to keep them under control. Two children have already been found loose in the museum shop this evening, and that is unacceptable.”

There was a pause while people tried to gauge how serious he was.

Curator: (looking the entire room in the eye) “Theft is theft.”

Some people started laughing at this point.

Curator: (somewhere between pity and disdain) “You might think this is funny, but I can assure it isn’t. This isn’t funny. We have CCTV and if anything else happens then I can promise you that appropriate action will be taken.”

During the “comfort break” I made a point of seeking out the curator, who was being confronted by the accused kid’s father.

Dad: “Do you think this an appropriate way to react. Is this what’s in your training?”

Curator: “What about your training as a parent, what about that?”

The dad just stood there, open-mouthed while the curator stared at him with a look that suggested that he would stab anyone else who came near the shop to death with a souvenir pencil.

Article by Micheal Holden

New animations in Fight Face by Sophie Woolley

Sample of animated projections I designed for Fight Face by Sophie Woolley & directed by Gemma Fairlie - it's running at the Lyric Hammersmith until October 4th - it's a great show

See Guardian review here...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/theatreblog/2008/sep/26/theatre.captions.fight.face

Guardian All Ears 27th September

Monks, cheese, stupid little Paris Hilton dogs, generously proportioned women & '90s 'Gregorian chants 'n'beats' act Enigma - what more can one want?

There's nothing like a crisis for bringing folk together and the recent closure of the Channel Tunnel forced a collision of characters that saw me sharing a waiting room with some American travelers swapping stories about where they'd been.

Woman 1: "We went to a monastery-beautiful-you could sense the spirituality of the place."

Man 1: "It was tangible, like you could I actually feel it."

Woman 1: " I mean I haven't been to church since my mother passed but I, I don't know what but I went in and I lit a candle and I got down on my knees and I prayed."

There was much nodding at this, but greater revelations were to follow.

Woman 1: "But (+i)then(-i) the monks came into the chapel and started praying, it was like nothing you have ever heard…"

Man 2: "Gregorian?"

Man 1 "I'm not sure if they were strictly Gregorian but…"

Woman 1: "The most beautiful sound, I went up and said you have to have this on CD, but they had no idea. Other than this cheese they make they have no commercial sense whatever, they are on a completely spiritual plane, but I just had to have this music, this was such a special time for me

Woman 2: "Oh, completely. I mean I completely understand, without having been there…"

Woman 1: "We bought some of the cheese instead. You have to go there."

Woman 2: "How was the cheese?"

Woman 1: "Kind of dry, actually. We threw most of it away."

Article by Michael Holden

Guardian All Ears 20th September

Aah! That's better - at least I got a correct credit this week - might even get a free sub...perhaps not! Bah!

I was eating lunch outside a sandwich shop when a woman walking passed and exchanged saccharine greetings with the woman opposite me who was working her way through a sandwich half the size of her head.

Woman 1: "Alright treacle?"

Woman 2 : "Alright Sugar?"

Woman 1: "That looks like quite a big lunch."

Woman 2: (proudly) "It is. I need it. I'm gonna have a drink tonight, drink some alcohol, a bit more than usual."

Woman 1: (somehow impressed) "That sounds like a plan!"

Woman 2 :"You better believe it."

Woman 1 "Where you goin', round here?"

Woman 2 "Yeah, round the corner."

Woman 1 "Happy hour?"

Woman 2 "More like happy ever after, you know what I mean?"

Woman 1 (not looking like she'd understood at all) "Yeah. "

Woman 2 "You should come."

Woman 1 "Who's going."

Woman 2 "Everyone from work and the office. It's a leaving do. That's how come I can get away with getting hammered."

Woman 1 "Who has a leaving do on a Monday?"

Woman 2" I dunno."

Woman 1 "You don't the person?"

Woman 2 "No I know the person but I don't know why they're leaving on a Monday."

Woman 1 "Why are they leaving?"

Woman 2 "They sacked her really, she is thick innit."

Woman 1 (as though the lowering of the intellectual stakes had made everything seem more appealing) "Maybe I will come. "

Woman 2 "Text me. "

Woman 1 "Nice."

Article by Michael Holden

Guardian All Ears 13th September

Despite the blessed sub editors at the Grauniad crediting this to somebody else FOR THE SECOND WEEK RUNNING(!) I enjoyed the chance to draw bears, alcohol, facetious t-shirt slogans & very low slung trousers whilst simultaneously indicating my general disdain at camping in general...article follows...

One of the meagre perks of eavesdropping is that it can clue you in to worlds you might otherwise know nothing about. In this case modern festival culture, where it seems everyone gets a lift home from their parents. Years ago it would be several days before you could have faced (+I)anyone’s(-I) parents, especially your own. Still, listening to the man across from me on the train it was apparent that some aspects of generational division are alive and well.

Man 1 “My daughter went down to the Reading Festival, so I had to drive down there to pick her up.”

Man 2 “She had a good time?”

Man 1 “So she said.”

Man 2 “Did she have ‘bare alcohol?’”

Man1 “What’s ‘bear alcohol’?”

Man 2 “No, it’s ‘(+I)bare(-I) alcohol,’ it’s what they say instead of ‘a lot’.

Man 1 “I’d bought her a tent.”

Man 2 “Did she set it on fire? I hear that’s the thing to do these days, burn your tent.”

Man 1” No, well from what I gather she didn’t use it, she certainly didn’t bring it back with her.”

Man 2 Well they ask you to hand them in now, if you don’t want them. They recycle them, send them off to the Sudan, or one of those places.”

Man 1 “Well she said she didn’t use it. I suppose she must have stayed in someone else’s.”

Man 2 “Last time I went to one of those things someone kicked me out of a tent in the middle of the night, I was sure it was mine.”

Man 1 “Well, like I say, she must have stayed in someone else’s. She certainly made a lot of friends, she had three lads with her, I ended up giving them a lift too.”

Now are you being naïve or am I being cynical about what might have happened there, I wondered. I guess the truth, like her tent, is out there somewhere.

Article by Michael Holden