This article was begging to be illustrated (no pun intended) It's from an article in The Daily Telegraph headlined ‘Manchester Airport Sniffer Dogs Find Cheese & Sausages - But No Class A Drugs’ in which they found the sniffer dogs were more interested in cheese & sausages than cocaine et al. Now, at this juncture I'm tempted to interject 'who'd have thought?' but I feel resorting to low sarcasm for comic effect is below me. You can read the article here
The Haunted Lunchbox or... when good foodstuffs go BAD!
With a little nod to Wagon Wheels (which even as a kid I thought were foul) & Um Bongo, which according to legend they drink in the DRC - except this doesn't rhyme / scan in quite the way it did in the slightly naive / racist '80s commercials!
I'm thinking this would be a great book title, I just haven't come up with the story yet, so here's the cover while you wait...
(Article by Michael Holden) Perhaps it's an an economic thing, but these days I'm seeing a lot of people freaking out in shops. The latest was in a supermarket where a man was being pushed to the edge by the store's layout.
Man (waving list in anger) "I don't get it!"
Woman (sensing danger) "Don't get upset. I'll ask someone."
She gazed about for assistance, but he spotted someone first.
Man (shouting) "Eh, you! Where's your cheese."
Assistant (shuffling over) "Eh?"
Man (still agitated) "Where are you keeping the cheese?"
Woman (over-polite, overcompensating) "We would like some cheese."
Assistant (pointing to the faraway end of the aisle) "Cheese is down there."
Man (pointing up at a sign) "Well how come it doesn't say so?"
He had a point: the sign said "Butters, Spreads, Fresh Fruit Juice, Yoghurts" – no mention of cheese. The assistant shrugged and turned away, which proved too much for the man, who pulled him back by the shoulder.
Man "Why can't you be more upfront about your cheese? Why you trying to bluff us?"
Assistant (recoiling) "You want me to get a team leader?"
Woman "No, that's OK. I'm sorry. It's not your fault."
There was a moment of silent reconciliation between the three, but as the assistant went to walk away, the man looked back at his list and called after him.
Man "Hey, where are the eggs?"
I know from bitter experience that the eggs fall under "Home Baking", so I fled before things flared up again.
Monks, cheese, stupid little Paris Hilton dogs, generously proportioned women & '90s 'Gregorian chants 'n'beats' act Enigma - what more can one want?
There's nothing like a crisis for bringing folk together and the recent closure of the Channel Tunnel forced a collision of characters that saw me sharing a waiting room with some American travelers swapping stories about where they'd been.
Woman 1: "We went to a monastery-beautiful-you could sense the spirituality of the place."
Man 1: "It was tangible, like you could I actually feel it."
Woman 1: " I mean I haven't been to church since my mother passed but I, I don't know what but I went in and I lit a candle and I got down on my knees and I prayed."
There was much nodding at this, but greater revelations were to follow.
Woman 1: "But (+i)then(-i) the monks came into the chapel and started praying, it was like nothing you have ever heard…"
Man 2: "Gregorian?"
Man 1 "I'm not sure if they were strictly Gregorian but…"
Woman 1: "The most beautiful sound, I went up and said you have to have this on CD, but they had no idea. Other than this cheese they make they have no commercial sense whatever, they are on a completely spiritual plane, but I just had to have this music, this was such a special time for me
Woman 2: "Oh, completely. I mean I completely understand, without having been there…"
Woman 1: "We bought some of the cheese instead. You have to go there."
Woman 2: "How was the cheese?"
Woman 1: "Kind of dry, actually. We threw most of it away."