Guardian All Ears 2nd January

Back on it after a brief hiatus over Christmas (while the Guide wrote lists & the words 'David Tennant' an awful lot of times)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/series/michaelholdensallears

(article by Michael Holden)

I've written before about the Chinese takeaway that has its own microclimate. Suffice to say that at this time of year things are so cold there that to see two other people inside, smiling – and showing no visible signs of hypothermia – seemed reassuring. Perhaps they've finally warmed the place up, I thought, as I opened the door. But as the familiar blend of sub-zero air and the sound and scent of boiling oil embraced me I could see the other customers: a couple in their 60s were drunk and in a warm relationship and couldn't care less about the weather.

Woman (holding man for support) "Where's the food?"

Man (looking down at her affectionately) "Won't be long."

Woman "What we ordered?"

Man "Plenty of everything."

Woman "Are we having prawns?"

Man "No."

Woman (distraught) "Why!"

Man "You never asked for none."

Woman (lurching toward the counter) "I gotta get some!"

Man (firmly but not angrily) "You'll slow everything down!"

Woman (to the owner) "Give us some of them prawns."

Owner "What prawns?"

Woman "Where's the menu?"

Man (sensing the futility of this) "Just give us some chilli salt prawns, would you?"

Woman "That's them!"

Owner "Your food is ready."

Man "Yeah well, we'll wait for the prawns." The woman looked at him as though he was heading into the sea to catch them himself, and he looked back as though he would gladly undertake such an errand, should she require it.

Coffee time!

Coffee time's always like this at my place - isn't it at yours?
Have just submitted this to Threadless so if any of you would like to vote for it to be turned into a T-shirt (& win me $2500) then please register & vote high!

http://www.threadless.com/submission/246448

Carrots

Charlie Git & his living hair

Sketchbook ruminations on extreme coiffeurs...be afraid, be very afraid!

Smoking aminals...

Download & print for smoking infused children's wallpaper!

Thoughtless for the day

Guardian All Ears 12th December

Note to self...for reference purposes, in shared studio very unwise to Google 'nurses uniform' with 'Safe Search' option switched off!

(Article by Michael Holden)
I took my place in a hospital queue and a scene of two halves began to
unfold. To my left a woman yelled Apprentice-level business drivel
into her telephone, while to my right three nurses assembled a plastic
Christmas tree.
Woman (indignant) “You haven’t spoken to them about it, you’ve just
talked to me about it, and I’m not the cog that needs to make that
process turn around!”
Nurse 1 (straightening out collapsible branches) “How old is this thing?”
Nurse 2 “At least as old as me, and I’ve been here five years.”

Woman “The message is Ian’s just back from holiday, and if there are
35,000 emails in his inbox then we’re all in trouble… what I said to
you was there are four more files, which are big, messy, nasty ones,
by the way. So you can’t just ignore them.”

Nurse 3 “Where does this bit go?”

Nurse 1 “Stick it in the middle”

Woman (almost screaming) “Well you make a start and then
I will finish it off…I understand that…exactly…anyway. We
can’t do that until we know the value of all the pieces…it’s not a
good idea, Andrew’s not into delegation… I don’t know. I’ve been here
for four hours… I imagine he will go berserk. I shouldn’t have to be
pointing this out!”
Nurse 1 (standing back) “What do we think of that then?”

Woman “Well, as I say, I thought you would have done something
already, but we’ll try and sort it out when I get back. Yes, I got
that. I’m getting the fact that you’re unhappy.”

Nurse 2 (laughing) “Look at the state of it!”

Woman “Ok then, thanks.”
She hung up and noticed the pitiful tree. It would take more than that
to make things better.

Muriel!

Impromptu creation for recent basement party in sunny Bethnal Green - it's an E2 thing - you dig? (click on it to see it BIG!)

Guardian All Ears 5th December

(Article by Michael Holden)
I could see the man at the next table was having a hard time from the way he held his drinks-for dear life, it seemed. He stared into the middle distance with an air of furious sorrow and swallowed beer in great mouthfuls, around a third of a pint each time. At the end of his second something like relief came to his face and then he was joined by a friend who bought another drink to his table.

Man 1 (upbeat) “How are we.”

Man 2 (morose) “In fucking bits.”

Man 1 “You haven't slept at all?”

He shook his head

Man 1 “I don't know how you get away with it.”

Man 2 “I don't though, do I? That's why I'm in here.”
Man1 “It could be worse.”

Man 2 “How? How feasibly could it be worse?”

Man 1 “Look, if I’d known you were gonna do the whole self pity thing I wouldn’t have come.”
Man 2 “No, I’m sorry. I do appreciate it. Or I will do when I get myself together.”

Man 1 “Well be sure and give me a ring when that happens.”
Man 2 (finishing his pint) “I’m feeling better already.”

Man 1 “Good, well, one step at a time eh?”

Man 2 “Yeah.”

Then he got up and walked to the toilet and was sick so loudly you could hear him through the door and over the jukebox, which was playing Christmas tunes.

Nice pear...

there's a theme developing here (I seem to remember all computers were named after fruit & vegetables in the '80s - there was definitely an Acorn & an Apricot?)

Mac reaper?

...or for the more morbid computer user

Carrot

What with all these Snow Leopards etc. anyone else thinking Apple have missed a trick?

Robbers

Front cover for Communicators magazine on internet security (& a great excuse for PROPER robbers!) Things would be sooo much simpler if people dressed to type & animals ate what they're supposed to eat (bears - honey, elephants - buns etc.)

Guardian All Ears 28th November

During the drawing of this picture my computer crashed forcing me to have to draw those creepy twins from the X Factor twice - I can categorically state that I have never watched the wretched thing - horrible easy listening mush for all the family - but you can't escape seeing them everywhere - rant! rant! rant!

(Article by Michael Holden)
Years of satanic number crunching at my local train company appear to have finally yielded a system that enables them to deploy the absolute minimum of carriages no matter what time of day it is. So, off-peak travel – once one of the great perks of self employment – is now just a grotesque and scaled-down, Fisher-Price rush hour. The torment of others, which might ordinarily have been confined to an avoidable area, now closes in from every side.

Woman 1 (to my right, "waking up" having feigned sleep to stop people trying to sit next to her) "Give us that mag."

Woman 2 (opposite her, defending her own space with a bottle of partially drunk cola and a crescent of low-rent magazines, one of which she passed over) "That had me laughing out loud."

Woman 3 (directly opposite-reading from a paper to a husband who made faces but never replied) "That zero-carbon housing development is going ahead."

Man 1 (behind me - talking into his phone) "Theo! Theo! It's Mark. I've been in Sweden … and Hamburg … I'm on the train … I think the problem is with the gearboxes … yeah, it's a bad signal …"

Woman 2 "Did I tell you what happened at work? I only had the key for the top lock, and I asked her for the key to the bottom lock and she give me a load of grief."

Woman 1 (ignoring her, staring at her mobile) "I can't do that predictive text."

Man 1 "Theo … Theo can you hear me? Theo? Can you hear me?"

I put on some music before any of these crucial issues were resolved.

Fishy...

more fishy sketchbook nonsense

Elephant thing

crustacean coiffeur

Today has been...

Guardian All Ears 21st November

I've always wanted to include Pocari Sweat* in an illustration (* Japanese isotonic drink with amusing name) - figured a bottle of Metaxa for the Greek reference might be slightly over-egging things perhaps...

(article by Michael Holden)
You might think there are places you can eat in the world where the couple on the next table won’t turn out to be English. And you might think a Japanese restaurant, in Athens might be among them. And you’d be wrong. The man looked like he could have been in Right Said Fred, the woman looked like Naomi Campbell disguised as Casey Jones.

Woman (looking at the man as he sat down): “You look bigger in your photographs.”

Man: (not joking) “Yes. I am bigger.”

Woman (sitting) “Busy day?”

Man “Not really. Lots have people have to wear a suit to work but not me, not today. I was going to wear a tie, but my big meeting got changed till Monday morning.

Woman (looking dubiously at the menu, and then around the restaurant) “I'm not really sure about the meat…”

Man “They have chicken…you know what chicken is?”

Woman “Yes I like chicken. Maybe I can try salmon?”

Man “Have what you like. Eat what you feel…”

Woman “I have to go to the toilet, will you order for me?”

Man “Sure.”

Woman (back-after less than a minute) “It’s busy. I don't like waiting in toilets. You never know what germs are there. I'd rather wait in here.”

Eventually some food arrived.

Man “You’ve seen chopsticks before?”

Woman “Yes, once. In Leeds.”

Man (demonstrating) “These will be the same. You can do it the Japanese way or the Chinese way…”

Woman (regarding the tempura he was holding-which to be fair-did look quite phallic) “What’s that about then?”

They burst out laughing. Then she opened her mouth and he steered the crooked lump of batter between her lips while I prayed for the bill.

Skater-boy

No reason for this (but I must admit to rather enjoying watching kids continually fall off at the Southbank - does this make me a bad person?)

Boidy

Armchair Sinister Bird Theatre

I wish this completely fictitious made-up TV programme had existed for real, but alas...
I often think TV would be so much better if there were more made-up programmes

VET!!!