Drawn as a memento mori birthday gift!
Tuesday 24 February 2009
Sunday 22 February 2009
Guardian All Ears 22nd February
Madagascar flavoured bedding - luvverly!
(Article by Michael Holden)
On the back of a bus in Humberside two women in their early twenties were discussing their respective boyfriends. The first had little to report except her chosen consort’s perceived unpleasantness, but when the second got going things took on a more remarkable complexion.
Woman 1 “Everyone said he were a bastard, he used to say if that’s what they reckoned best not disappoint ‘em.”
Woman 2: “That’s like when I moved in with Liam, everyone disowned me, I had to move to the other side of Hull.”
Woman 1: “Well when you love someone I don’t matter what anyone else thinks. You just gotta get on with it.”
Woman 2: (fondly) “He sends me a lot of texts, texts me all the time. I do that sleep texting thing though…”
Woman 1: “Eh?”
Woman 2: “If I text him while I’m in bed and he texts me back I send him another text but in my sleep, I don’t know I’ve sent it.”
Woman 1: “What like?”
Woman 2: “Some right old bollocks, he used to ring me up to ask me what I were on about but that would wake me up, so now he knows not to.”
Woman 1 (eager to assess the strength of her friend’s relationship via a more orthodox phenomenon) “He taken you out anywhere nice?”
Woman 2 “He took us to see that Madagascar 2.”
Woman 1 “How were it?”
Woman 2 “It were alright. I say this for him though he’s dead clever. When it finished I was ready to leave and he said hang on, he knew there were extra bit at the end, over the credits, where all the animals like sing and dance about and that.”
Woman 1 “Worth staying on for?”
Woman 2 “Not really. No.”
Sunday 15 February 2009
Guardian All Ears 14th February
Ha ha! Spot the sad Dr Who references...
(Article by Michael Holden)
By a mainline station there is an old police call post, nothing more than a thin blue pillar that must once have held a telephone and fitted with a sign confirming it’s dereliction advising those in need of help to look elsewhere. Any resemblance to its celebrated relative in Dr Who is negligible, but on a match day afternoon I watched it beguile two tipsy fans as they tried to make their way home.
Fan 1 (quite fat, clearly the leader) “Where the fuck are we?”
Fan 2 (smaller, younger, confused by disposition as much as alcohol) “Station innit?”
Fan 1 (seeing the police post) “Whassat about?”
Fan 2 Eh?
Fan 1 (getting excited) “It’s the whatsit, it’s the TARDIS!”
Fan 2 “Eh?”
Fan 1 (really happy now) “The TARDIS!”
Fan 2 (looking a bit annoyed) “That ain’t the TARDIS…it’s just a thing.”
Fan 1 (seeing two policemen approaching in the distance) “Go ask them coppers where we are.”
Fan 2 (moving off) “Right”
Fan 1 (calling after him) “Ask them if this is a TARDIS!”
The younger man ran up to the police, talked to them and then ran back.
Fan 1 “Is it the TARDIS?”
Fan 2 (defiant) “I never asked ‘em about that.”
Fan 1 (seeing the police coming closer) “I’ll ask ‘em myself.”
But as they arrived he noticed they were heavily armed and as though the alcohol afforded him a vision of an all too feasible future where pratting about is a capitol crime, he elected to say nothing at all.
Saturday 7 February 2009
Guardian All Ears 7th February
(Article by Michael Holden)
Just when you think you’ve sniffed outall the premier eavesdropping locations, a new one presents itself. This time it was Argos-one of an elite group of environments where it’s almost impossible not to have a pen. I was leafing through the catalogue when I became conscious of a young couple opposite who perusing the goods on offer with a whimsical air that made me wonder whether they were actually shopping or had just come in to get out of the rain.
Woman: (turning what she saw into a demented low level chant) “Lava lamp, lava lamp, love it, love it, love it!”
Man: (oblivious, reading a catalogue of his own) “Where would I put I mirror?”
Woman: “ You know the shower head in your bathroom? I don’t like it.”
Man: (looking up) “Well you don’t have to have it spraying like that, you can change the settings.”
Woman (already moving on) “Shoe tree!”
Man: (flatly) “Get one.”
Woman (pointing at something I couldn’t see) “We so need that.”
Man: (looking across, smiling) “Mick has got one of those in room, it so made me laugh.”
Woman: “I might get this hook that goes on the back of the door.”
Man: (without looking) “Get it.”
Woman (pressing on into the catalogue’s outer limits) “We could get a cooler, for when summer comes.”
Man: (absorbing without rancour what seemed to me to be an absurd proposal) “I guess so. It’ll be so warm.”
Woman: (pressing on) “We need a bedside light, I hate getting up to turn it off and on.”
Man: “Yeah. It’s horrible.”
Woman: “I wish our bed had drawers underneath.”
Man: “It does.”
Woman: “But you have to lift the mattress up to get in them!”
Man: (without hesitation) “Yeah, but that’s much better for dust.”
Woman: “God you’re gay, gay in a good way.”
Man: (as though struck by a vision of the promised land) “Let’s go to Ikea.”
Thursday 5 February 2009
Bluenote NYC 6th Jan 2009
Assortment of sketches from a Bill Frisell, Ron Carter, Paul Motian gig at the Bluenote in New York & an assortment of takes on a rather 'excitable' punter who was eventually removed... 'don't tell ME what the fucking Bluenote is all about!' - priceless!
(Pity we got possibly the worst service in New York city @ the Bluenote!)
Saturday 31 January 2009
Guardian All Ears 31st January
Drawing this brought back memories of 'The Tin Drum' by Günther Grass where the mother, traumatised by a fishing incident involving a horses head & numerous eels, gorges herself on fish for two weeks & dies.
As a bit of a fish-phobic this has always struck me as a distinctly unpleasant mode of death - I'm hoping to be crushed & killed instantly by a falling piano (which I have failed to observe because it's 6 in the morning, I'm 90 years old & emerging from a really stunning party...
(Article by Michael Holden)
I was having breakfast in a café next to a couple of men who were eating together but reading quietly from separate newspapers until one of them begun unprompted to assess the pitfalls of cohabitation.
Man 1 (putting down his paper and looking at his food - a kipper) “You can argue about anything if you’re not careful.”
Man 2 (thinking he’d missed something) “Eh?”
Man 1 “At home, it’s a minefield, right?. The other day I saw a programme about the Elizabethans, it said the used to eat more fish than we do. So I said to the wife about this and she says, “Well I eat plenty of fish,” as though it was sort of an accusation, something she had to defend herself from-eating less fish than an Elzabethan.”
Man 2 “Yeah, well. Women can be like that.”
Man 1 (continuing the aquatic theme) “Yeah but I took that bait though. I’ve started having a go.”
Man 2 (confused) “About what?”
Man 1 “About who eats more fish. I said look I’ll have a kipper, like I am now, or I’ll have a roll mop, we might have fish and chips for tea.”
Man 2 “I don’t like a roll mop.”
Man 1 (ignoring him) “The point is I (+I)definitely(-I) eat more fish than her. No question. But then she says, ‘Oh I have a bit of tuna for lunch sometimes, when you’re out.’ I said ‘when am I out? I’m in all fucking day!’ Which to be fair is part of the problem-but anyway, I said, ‘are you telling me you’re putting away tuna on the sly?’ And she’s taken that the wrong way, so then it’s all about her and her weight!”
Man 2 (looking at his empty plate) “Oh dear.”
Man 1 “So then it was a proper issue, and, this I think is what you might say was ironic, I ended up taking her out for dinner.”
Man 2 “Ridiculous innit?”
Man 1 (Unrepentant) Yeah, well. She started it.
Monday 26 January 2009
Saturday 24 January 2009
Guardian All Ears 24th January
(Article by Michael Holden)
I was sitting in hospital, early for the earliest appointment of the day, when a couple came in-an elderly looking woman and younger man-who had taken the audacious move of turning up exactly on time and then paused for a moment to take in the queue of sickly swots that had already assembled. I’ve seen people flip out before at this but their credit they did nothing more than frown and check that they were indeed on schedule.
Woman (presumably the patient) “What’s the time?”
Man (possibly her son) “Nine. Bang on.”
He helped the woman to a seat where she sat panting, seemingly exhausted by the act of sitting down.
Man: “You want anything?”
Woman: (staring into space) “No.”
Man: “Want tea?”
Woman: “No.”
Man: (evidently pursuing the protocols of a familiar routine) “Coffee?”
Woman: “No.”
Man: “No hot drink?”
Woman: “No.”
Man: “Want a cold drink?”
Woman: “ No.”
Man: “Orange?”
Woman: “No.”
Man: “Plain water.”
Woman: “Yeah.”
Man: “Want something to eat?”
Woman: “No.”
Man: “A roll?”
Woman: No:
Man: “Crisps?”
Woman: (wildly affirmative) “Crisps! Plain!”
As he walked away she belched louder than anyone I’ve ever heard at which he turned back and smiled at her as if to say, “that’s my girl.”
Saturday 17 January 2009
Guardian All Ears 17th January
This drawing is based very strongly on sketches I made of a guy who I saw kicked out of the Blue Note club in New York a couple of weeks back which was probably worthy of an All Ears column of it's own!
Amidst a very hushed & reverent audience this one man was making a lot of noise & when (very politely) told to be quiet started repeating very loudly 'why are you talking to me from the next table? Why are you talking to me from the next table?
Don't tell me to shut up; just because you heard some guitar playing!'
When challenged further he began ranting -
'I know what the fucking Blue Note's all about. It's about fucking self expression!'
until they eventually threw him out.
Anyway...not sure if the line background characters work too well in this one but colouring them seemed to overpower the main character - hmmmm...
Article by Michael Holden
Once the world was a stage but, now, demented by technology, we are turning into an office-or possibly the set of The Office-either way it’s not good news. We may be in recession but public transport still echoes to the sound of people fending off the errands that follow them like dogs through the limitless wastes of contemporary tedium. There was a perfect example on the bus the other day, playing solitaire on a laptop while depressing his colleagues via mobile phone.
(as though he loathed having explain himself but enjoyed the sound of doing so) “I am requesting CCTV because our till was left unattended for five minutes and we think a member of the public might have been in there…”
He paused and moved cards about while the other person responded.
“ All the 20 pound notes were gone, there were only two left in there, that’s not right...”
He made affirmative humming sounds for a while before unleashing a new and presumably terrifying possibility.
“Listen, all I’m saying is, Rodney’s not gonna like it…if anybody thinks that’s gonna come out of my wages for the next month, that’s not gonna happen, I can’t let that happen. You can forget that.”
Sounds of consternation followed.
(placatory) “Well I’m telling you so that you know… you know the numbers on the door and the numbers in the till and it doesn’t add up.”
There was more squealing down the phone.
“He’s not gonna be happy…”
Then the voice on phone fell silent at the implied threat of Rodney.
“I’m not passing the blame, I’m just, giving you the head’s up. Anyway, it’s my stop, I gotta go.”
But he stayed where he was and dealt himself a fresh hand.
Friday 16 January 2009
Thursday 15 January 2009
Wednesday 14 January 2009
Cow...
This was a rough that for a magazine job that I never used which I just rediscovered - I actually think it's funnier than the final piece (maybe they didn't like the extreme bovine cruelty involved?)
Monday 12 January 2009
Saturday 10 January 2009
Guardian All Ears 10th January
Shame we couldn't have put this nearer to Xmas - I'm sure everyody's forgotten about office parties et al by now...
I love the Kiss reference - they're hilarious - & (sshhh!) I know for a fact that they use dummy Marshall stacks on stage ie ones with no speakers inside. In a previous life I once spent an afternoon in Birmingham NEC setting the fake speaker cabinets up. How RAWK is that?
Article by Michael Holden
I was in a hostelry so dense with seasonal drunks it was actually easier to stay inside and put up with it than fight your way out. After a while the two people who had been standing within a centimetre of me were joined by a third who began by apologising for his late arrival.
Man 3: (acting like he’d been running) “Whoah, sorry about that, got held up at work.”
Man 2: (doubtful-not about to let him get off lightly) “Yeah? What happened then? We’ve been here nearly an hour.”
Man 1: (not to be ignored and suspicious of Man 1’s breathlessness) “I actually did run here, to try and be on time, to meet you.”
Man 3: “Well it was the office party, I couldn’t not go. I got away as fast as I could.”
Man 2: (forgiving) “You’ve done well in that case.”
Man 1: “How was it?”
Man 3: “Beyond belief. They cancelled the venue ‘cos of the budget cuts.”
Man 2: “So where was it?”
Man 1: (still amazed) “In the room where the vending machines are. It was just my department, but still. My boss came over and offered me a glass of wine, she’d put make up round her eye-sort of drawn a star-to mark the occasion.”
Man 2: “Like the bloke from Kiss?”
Man 1: “Exactly-the guitarist.”
Man 2: “Jesus.”
Man 1: The wine was bad too. In the end I just stuck some money in the machine and had a coffee.”
Man 3: (feeling comparatively well off enough to ignore the reality of their present surroundings, and the fact that he was standing on my foot) “Well, at least we’re here.”
Friday 9 January 2009
Guardian All Ears 3rd January
A bit late posting this even though I drew it over 3 weeks ago
...don't librarians always look like this? Probably only in the Beano (a bit like park keepers & teachers with mortar boards)
(Article by Michael Holden)
Always a magnet for unorthodox characters the local library has lately seen an influx of new arrivals drawn in it seems by a combination of terrible weather and economic necessity. One such character was hovering around the computer section with a wild look in his eye, incensed it turned out at his failure to log onto the Internet and desperate for someone to blame.
Man: (waving a piece of paper at a passing librarian) “This doesn’t work. I can’t connect. It won’t allow me. I have to connect!”
Librarian: (calmly) “Have you used it before?”
Man: (irritated) “I use it all the time!”
Librarian: (less calm) “I don’t mean the Internet, I mean the computer.”
Man: (more irate) “I’ve used computers!”
Librarian: (stern) “Can I have that slip?”
Man: (handing it over with implied pessimism) “I’ve tried the key, it won’t work.”
Librarian: (typing it in) “It’s the wrong code. You don’t need the ‘p’”
Man: (ashamed suddenly) “I’ve…got two slips.”
The librarian gestured for the other slip like a border guard and the man gave it up as though he knew he’d been travelling on false papers all along.
Librarian: (after a dramatic pause) “One is for the printer.”
Man: (broken now, ready to confess to anything) “I don’t need to do any printing.”
Librarian: (almost sinister) “I’ll hang onto that then, shall I?”
The librarian stood up and beckoned the man to sit down which he did.
Librarian: “I’ve logged you on, away you go.”
The man looked bashful and began half heartedly clicking at the mouse, perhaps looking for a site about shameful acts in public buildings, which I know from experience isn’t there.
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