Imaginary medical conditions #2

This sketch got incorporated into the illustration for The Economist in the previous post (Economical tigers - http://stevemaystuff.blogspot.com/2010/02/economical-tigers.html) but is actually illustrating the debilitating effects of 'Brigadier's Syndrome' on a child -

symptoms include -

excessive bellowing, theatrical growth of facial hair, and an alarming affinity for gin & guns.
(Soft toys are liable to be shot, stuffed & mounted.)

(You have been warned!)

Economical tigers

Recent commission for The Economist magazine on the subject of heat re-cycling
- you might have noticed I became slightly more excited about the prospect of drawing tigers which the nice folk at the magazine seemed happy to indulge me with, bless 'em!

Hurray for tigers!

Guardian All Ears 20th February

Decided to run with the dissonance & 'hieroglyphic exclamations' in the text (with a little added dairy product of course)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/feb/20/all-ears-the-guide


(Article by Michael Holden)
On busy trains conversations rise like dissonant music from all
angles, leaving you to bear befuddled and silent witness to the
results. Departing Manchester recently I was regaled by the almost
hieroglyphic exclamations of a Welsh woman in the seat behind me,
themselves punctuated by outbursts from a businessman and his clearly
long-suffering PA to my left-referred to here for reasons of clarity
as Alan and Lynne.

Woman (on the phone) “Did he tick all the boxes?”

Alan: (jabbing at a chart) “He’s lost focus”

Woman “You’re kidding?”
Alan: “He needs to get focused again”

Woman: “You’re (+I)kidding(-I)!”
Lynne: “Here’s the schedule for next month.”

Woman: “I got rid of all my yoghurts”

Alan: “Salesmen will always benefit from focus.”

Woman “Remember he’s on holidays…the slim guy with the glasses and the
army jacket and the long hair…well he told me he was on holiday…you
said it was super. You couldn’t see? Well that’s gutting that
is…that’ll be your last scan now, unless you pay for another…they’re
coming down are they?”

Lynne (nervously watching Alan read something) “It all adds up.”

Alan (dismissive) “There’s no point doing the math.”

Woman: “You’re breaking up. I’m going to a meeting but I feel so
un-meetinglike.”
Alan: (waving the paper angrily) “I can’t read this, cut to the chase!
Where are the bombs in this agenda, where are the bombs, the IEDs?”

Lynne (stifling a scream but still loudly, while snatching back the
documents) “IT’S JUST A LIST OF IDEAS.”

That shut him up, for a while.

The Economist - heat re-cycling

One of a couple of illustrations commissioned for The Economist magazine - complete with virtual rubber duck

Guardian All Ears 13th February

Spot the references...I couldn't resist the pool playing dogs (which don't show up at all in my copy of the paper - ho hum)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/feb/13/all-ears-the-guide


(Article by Michael Holden)
The world is full of strange cycles. Go into a pub to use the toilet,
buy a pint for the sake of protocol and pretty soon you’re back in the
toilet again. I was in one of these loops when I saw that the pub
itself was fixed in a weird judgemental cycle of its own. Two people
were looking at a laptop and pointing out things they didn’t approve
of on the Internet, themselves watched by two workmen who clearly had
no time for them, while next to me two more men talked disapprovingly
about popular art as I listened disapprovingly to them.

Man 1: “Did you see that documentary on the BBC the other night? It
was about that guy, Kit Williams, he did like photo-realism, it was
very popular in the 80’s –horrible pictures-he made a gold rabbit?”

Man 2 (decisively-and in no way confused by the fact that the
aforementioned artist’s most famous work was actually a hare) “No”

Man 1 (pleading) “You must remember the rabbit? Everyone was looking for it.”
Man 2 “I don’t recall. There was another thing though, something to do
with following letters of the alphabet. If you figured out the
sequence you got twenty grand or something. It wasn’t long ago.”

Man 1 “This was the 80’s. He was on Wogan.”

Man 2 “I don’t know him.”
Man 1 “It was a good documentary. But the thing with that stuff is
it’s all about the craft, ‘oh, it really looks like him.’ As if that’s
the most important thing!”
Man 2 “Like that Jack Vettriano. He knows what people who don’t like
art like. They like story.”
Man 1 (looking blankly afraid, as though suddenly alert to all his own
frustrations) “He makes millions.”
Man 2 (looking the same) “Yeah.”

Imaginary medical conditions #1

A man afflicted with an inability to make noise is assisted by a helpful passing Foley artist to gain entry to his house.
The man is generally upset by his condition but is very popular with geese (see also - 'goose' & 'saying boo to')

Guardian All Ears 6th February

Despite all labelling to the contrary I did draw this ...it's better than 'insert artist name here' which I've been referred to by before...someone shoot the sub editor!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/feb/06/michael-holden-all-ears

(Article by Michael Holden)

Listening to people who seem to have been parachuted into one another's company – yet appear to get along perfectly well – a very modern form of cynicism kicks in, at least for me. Like watching the opening scenes of Big Brother, part of me is always thinking, "This won't last. They will soon hate each other." So it was with two young men sitting at near me in a bar, exchanging stories of themselves for reasons that were never clear.

Man 1 "Your job sounds pretty relaxed."

Man 2 (as though what followed were something to be proud of) "Oh yeah, I watch a lot of stuff on YouTube, keep up with the latest viral ads. Sometimes I help out with a pitch. You're based in the Far East?"

Man 1 "Malaysia."

Man 2 "How's that?"

Man 1 "It's like the opposite of here. It's hot, the food's great …"

Man 2 "So what is it you do?"

Man 1 "Bit of everything. I'm part-training, part-headhunting with a bit of systems shit thrown in. My boss is opening a restaurant; I said I'll have some of that. So I'm a partner there too."

Man 2 (losing interest) "Pretty diverse, then?"

Man 1 "Oh yeah. I rip through the local legal shit, I make things happen. On a project-by-project basis. You need something done, we can take it all the way."

Man 2 "You speak the language?"

Man 1 (rubbing his fingertips together to illustrate his point) "Money talks. But that's not to say you don't have to get your hands dirty, get hands-on. You get off the path and it gets tribal. I've been to weddings barefoot. Drunk blood. Whatever it takes."

Man 2 "So what would you call it then?"

Man 1 "Systems analysis"

Man 2 "Right."

Ivory Coast-y head

Armchair Sinister Bird Theatre...(slight return)

Part 2 of a fictitious TV strand from my (pretend) youth



see also http://stevemaystuff.blogspot.com/2009/11/armchair-sinister-bird-theatre.html

whore's, dog's & sausage's

The 'whore's' quote was from an image at the Museum of Everything in Chalk Farm, the sausage references are too complicated to explain, although I definitely wish animals would stick to their alloted food clichés - dogs = sausages, bears = honey, elephants = buns etc. Would make everything sooo much simpler for everyone

(PS the misused apostrophes are deliberate dummy!)

Guardian All Ears 30th January

Coming from a home town where street drinking is somewhat of an ancient tradition I rather warmed to this week's column...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jan/30/clubs-michael-holden-all-ears

(Article by Michael Holden)
No matter what our circumstances, we are always alert to the notion that someone might be encroaching on them. I was in the library, sharing a table with two men who use the place to keep warm, when they began talking about a group of eastern European men whose attempts to use the facility for similar purposes had begun to cause friction with the indigenous community of no fixed abode.

Man 1 (looking across at the other table) "They're drinking again."

Man 2 (following his gaze but less intently) "Oh, aye."

Man 1 "They're gonna get us all kicked out."

Man 2 "You reckon?"

Man 1 "They don't take care of themselves. I see 'em on the streets; they'll drink till one of them falls over. Then they have to go to hospital. Then the others'll come and visit. You know what happens then?"

Man 2 "What?"

Man 1 "That stuff they have on the wards, the MRSA handwash? They nick that and drink it."

Man 2 "That'll fuck you up."

Man 1 "Cranial bleeding, haemorrhage. That said, it's not too different from your white cider; that's never been near an apple, you know that?"

Man 2 (sensing he was being chastised) "Yeah, I am aware of all that."

Man 1 "So that's the cycle: hospital, handwash, back into hospital again. And who do you think's paying for it?"

Man 2 (smiling) "When did you last pay any taxes?"

Man 1 (ignoring that inquiry and returning to his theme) "They're gonna get us all kicked out if they're not careful."

Guardian All Ears 23rd January

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jan/23/michael-holdens-all-ears#
(article by Michael Holden)
Struggling for ways to kill time in cold weather, I went to the pictures in the middle of the day, alone. Judging by the composition of the crowd this was a reasonably popular option – there were about a dozen people there, mostly alone, but there was a pair of blokes in front of me who spoke loudly to one another during the time between when the film was advertised to start and when it actually began.

Man 1 (With a mixture of pride and disbelief) "I hadn't been to the supermarket in over a year."

Man 2 (admiringly) "What, she goes? "

Man 1 "Yeah, she goes and I pay for it."

Man 2 "Fair enough."

Man 1 "Yeah, but I felt a bit guilty. I mean, it's not hard. I actually quite like supermarkets, if they're not too busy. So I said I'd go with her, which turned out to be a mistake."

Man 2 "How so?"

Man 1 "Well I went in quite optimistic thinking, here I am, taking part in something – doing my bit and all the rest of it. But it all went sour when I started bringing stuff to the trolley."

Man 2 (anxious) "Like what, what do you mean?"

Man 1 "Oh, it's all the wrong mushrooms and 'get the ones that are on offer'. I like to roam free in these places, but she has a whole system of how you go about it. You start roaming, going off the map and the whole thing breaks down. There's no scope for innovation. It's a proper regime."

Man 2 "So what happened?"

Man 1 "Well I shut up, didn't I?"

Man 2 "You going back?"

Man 1 "No, we had it right the first time. You're better off alone."

The Economist Jamuary 23rd

new illustrations for this week's issue of The Economist magazine

When in Shoreditch...

Loud phone conversation...check!
Silly facial hair...check!
I win!

I said, no tongues!

it's soooo much easier to draw nonsense in your sketchbook when you're supposed to be doing something else!

Guardian All Ears 16th January

Wondering if there's a phrase for 'middle class fear of builders'? - thought I'd just stoke up the prejudice a little bit more for good measure...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jan/16/all-ears-the-guide

(Article by Michael Holden)

As a perennial drinker I notice people who come only into the pub in
cold weather. They look around as though the dynamics of buying booze
might have changed since they last endorsed such a venue, relax when
everything appears to be the same, and then pull justifiably shocked
faces when confronted with the price. In groups, they talk about the
weather, wondering out loud if we talk about it too much.
Occasionally, a dialogue breaks out from the droning as it did with
two men who sat as close as possible to the fire, which, despite its
glow, gives out no warmth.

Man 1 I’ve still no windows

Man 2 So what have you got?

Man 1 Just boards.

Man 2 How’s that then?

Man 1 Cold.

Man 2 But you live there ok?

Man 1 I stay in the attic

Man 2 How are the builders?

Man 1 Unbelievably thick. It reminded me why I gave up doing all that
for a living. You tell ‘em they’re doing something wrong and they just
sort of tilt their head to one side and look at you. Like when you’ve
told off a dog.

Man 1 That must drive you mad.

Man 2 I don’t let it mostly. I hide up in the attic, then come
downstairs and have a go at them.

Man 1 Like a cross between Anne Frank and Basil Fawltey!

Man 2 It’s no joke.

Man 1. No. I guess not.

Smokin'...

Dog begging for lolly

procrastination dachshunds...

amazing how easy it is to draw what you're not supposed to be drawing...

Guardian All Ears 9th January

When I sent this in to the newspaper I'd accidentally added an extra asterisk to the word 'wanker' sprayed on the car, which was noticed and duly corrected - rather ironic for the Grauniad I thought...

world's going down the pan if vandals can't spell & punctuate if you ask me!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jan/09/all-ears-michael-holden-the-guide

(Article by Michael Holden)
I was on a train, sat in front of a group of men who spent most of the
journey talking about cars. As this is a subject about which I know
little I didn’t pay too much attention but I couldn’t help but tune in
when one of them made an unusual comparison.

Man 1 (dismayed) “The whole car smelled like trees.”

Man 2 (sombre-as though he had suffered the same nightmare at some
point) “Really…”
Man 1 “Aye, someone had smashed the rear window and the damp had
gotten in. It smelled like my Audi.”
Man 2 “The one you got off your cousin?”

Man 1 (with bitterness) “Yeah, that one.”

Man 2 “How is he?”
Man 1 “Doing well for him self. You have to watch him with money
though. That Audi wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. And he’s pulled
some sort of stunt with his mortgage, God knows how, but he’s ended up
with a four-bedroom place.”
Man 2 “Whereabouts?”
Man 1 “Just around the corner from where he was. It’s still dodgy
though. For all his rooms he’s no garage. Someone had the wheels off
his car, they had the radio.”
Man 2 “What did he do?”
Man 1 “Set it on fire for the insurance. He’s got the new one now.”

Man 2 “What’s it like?”
Pretty smart, but it’s got to him though, the money. I went round to
look at the car and when I got to the house he asked me to take my
shoes off.”
Silence followed, heavy with judgment, as though such protocols were
sub human, and best not dignified with more discussion.

words&words&words&words&...

There was a girl on my train this morning who spoke very loudly with no discernible spaces between her words - this is highly unpleasant @ 7.30 in the morning I discovered - it's lucky I'm an illustrator rather than a murderer by trade...

Skeleton-shirt

I don't know about wearing purple when I'm old but I'd definitely sport a skeleton rib cage shirt like this guy in the Blue Posts in Soho the other night

Enter the 'wakethefuckup' man!

I occasionally think wistfully of similar treatment...