Smoking Nurse

A friend ad posted a Facebook update about visiting the smoking nurse to help him giving up fags & this was the image that came to mind...

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 4th December

In the interests of good taste I avoided illustrating the 'dad's corpse' reference, read on...
(Article by Michael Holden)
Upstairs on a bus, a group of schoolboys were discussing their day when things quickly took a turn for the extreme.

Boy 1 "(talking about a teacher) It's like she's trying to be you friend – she called me 'bred'ren,' which is going too far."

Boy 2 "The other guy is better, I learned bare stuff with him. More in a day with him than I do in week."

Boy 3 "But he's tough, though. He shows you one thing and you get it. And then another thing and you don't. And then he moves on."

Boy 1 "There's a boy in my class – Polish – his name is Olock. He said to me, 'How did you lose that race?' I said, 'Shut up – your name's Olock.

Like bollock.'"

We pulled up by a station and suddenly they got furtive and steered their friend toward the window.

Boy 2 (to boy 1) "You do it, you do it! You're the best."

Boy 1 shouted something inaudible but loud from the window. Moments later, the man who sells the local paper was up the stairs and out for blood, evidently not for the first time. He singled out Boy 1.

Vendor "Why are you always giving it to me, you little mug? You're gonna get stabbed if you don't shut your mouth!"

Having overplayed his hand, the man went back downstairs.

Boy 3 "He's gone mental."

Boy 2 "He is mental. What did you say?

Boy 1 (stunned at the scale of his creation) "I fucked your dad's corpse."

They dissolved into giggles.

Boy 2 "You're gonna get us killed."

Fair point, but still, it was – presumably – inventive. Reprehensible and so on, but I could hardly write it down for laughing all the same.

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 27th November

Caution this image contains gratuitous zoom lens tumescence & a very feeble pun which I make no apology for...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/nov/27/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
One of the occasional hazards of writing a column like this is that, sometimes, the people you've written about track you down. Some write in, and others simply lie in wait. For those drinking locally they don't have to wait too long. Happily, the last time this happened the man who crossed the bar wasn't displeased by his depiction. In fact he was anxious that I carried on.

Man "I've got a new one for you."

Me (uneasy, for such assertions, however well-meant, have seldom proved true.) "That's great."

Man "I was in the supermarket."

Me (anxious for detail) "Which one?"

Man "Sainsbury's. Saturday. Late afternoon."

Me "Right."

Man "So I moved into the bakery area, because I'm after a cheesecake."

Me "Uh huh."

Man "Now, ordinarily I would go for the three-for-two thing but I've seen an individual one. I'm about to get it when I get a text, so I take out my phone."

He took out his phone by way of illustration.

Man (amping up the tension) "But! Just as I've done so, the fella behind the counter goes, 'Hey, you cannae take pictures of these."

Me "The cakes?"

Man "The cakes!"

Me "Like a security thing?"

Man "Who knows? But I'm in no mood to argue, so I bought it and then as I'm moving away I say, 'Can I take a photo of it when I get home?"

Me "Did he laugh?"

Man "Not a flicker."

I did, though, and bought him a drink, which seemed like the right thing to do.

Tube dogs

Felt tip dogs drawn in an inebriated state on thetube

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 20th November

(Article by Michael Holden)
Rush hour found me standing near a young couple seated on an underground train. They were headed for the airport and had the luggage to prove it. While others struggled gamely around their bags, the man hid his head in the free paper while she – with their baby strapped to her chest – talked about last night's TV.

Woman "I saw that Banged Up Abroad thing. It's scary what happens to these people. They're not like long-term pushers or anything. But they end up in all kinds of trouble."

Man (emerging from the paper) "Eh?"

Woman "That thing I watched. The people in prison overseas. It's terrible. It really scared me."

Man (vaguely) "Yeah."

Woman (fixating on bad things happening at airports and nodding toward the baby) "We won't have to put him through physio will we?"

Man "Physio?"

Woman "X-ray. I mean x-ray."

Man "No."

He opened the paper to show her an advert for a new film and pointed out an actress.

Man "Do you like her?"

Woman "She's got fatter. Fatter round the mouth."

Man (turning the page to an advert for a digital tablet) "They're really pushing these at the moment."

On the next page was a huge picture of a badly burned man.

Woman "WHAT'S THAT?"

Man "He ran through a bonfire."

Woman "WHY?"

Man (gleeful) "As a dare."

Woman "Oh no."

She looked away, rocked the baby and held it closer to her as if to shield it from all the idiocy of the world. I wished them luck.

Disturbing discoveries...

Unfortunate gentleman upon discovering his nostrils are merely drawn on...

Felt tip monster #2

...& another (part of an occasional series)