The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 2nd October

I seem to have been drawing a lot of animal / bus concoctions of late...must be something in the air...I research my demographics very thoroughly you know*
(*possibly a fib)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/oct/02/michael-holden-all-ears

(Article by Michael Holden)
At a bus stop around 5pm two women, acquainted by their journey home, were discussing the lateness of the previous day's transport, a trip that one of them had missed out on and whose details the other eagerly relayed.

Woman 1 "Well it was packed."

Woman 2 "Because of the delay?"

Woman 1 "Because of the delay, so I had to go upstairs."

Woman 2 "I can't get up there any more. My legs won't have it."

Woman 1 "Well I'm not keen, but of course, once you get up there, the view looks very different, you see all kinds of things."

Woman 2 (sceptical) "Maybe."

Woman 1 "Up by London Road, you can see into one of the gardens, and there's two Shetland ponies kept there!"

Woman 2 "No!"

Woman 1 "Just there in the garden."

Woman 2 "You'd think the RSPCA would get involved."

Woman 1 "Well you wonder. I wondered if maybe the person had some land somewhere and they were just resting them there, I don't know."

Woman 2 (having none of it) "You'd think the animal rights would be on to them."

The bus arrived.

Woman 1 "We can sit upstairs if you like, maybe they're still there."

Woman 2 (after due consideration) "No."

I went to the upper deck, scanned backyards for tiny horses and saw none. And by the time my stop came the women had gone, too. Still, I have my mission for the autumn now – find the ponies. Exactly the kind of futile obsession that makes life bearable.

Hell toupée

3 day art exhibition

I'm showing a couple of pieces of work as part of this group exhibition at the Graffik Gallery 284 Portobello Road, London from 4th - 6th October

If you're interested in coming e-mail guestlist@graffiklondon.co.uk for entry


More details on the Facebook page here
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/event.php?eid=119175494804077

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 25th September

as they say...It's all done with computers these days, I just press a button then f*** off for a massage & a cocktail usually...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/sep/25/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
It was All Ears' good fortune to be in New York last week, feeding bread into a rotary toaster at a breakfast buffet, when two young lions of the leisure industry – all shirts and laptops – joined the queue behind me.

Man 1 (clearly in awe of his subject) "We have quarterly meetings, and he's nothing but questions."

Man 2 (of the same opinion) "That's why these guys are who they are. He was an account manager at Morgan Stanley. They see things we don't see."

Man 1 "He's way down in the weeds. We were meeting and he starts asking how the chambermaids know when the room is checked out."

Man 2 "Shit!"

Man 1 "That's what I'm talking about. He doesn't have to worry about that."

Man 2 "But he does!"

Man 1 "Exactly. These guys are spinning stuff around and we don't even feel the motion."

Man 2 (rightly puzzled) What do you mean?"

Man 1 "They're way out there."

Man 2 (like that helped) "Right."

Man 1 "You can't learn that shit. It's instinctive."

Man 2 "The success instinct."

Man 1 "Damn right."

Man 2 "So what did you say?"

Man 2 "About the chambermaids."

Man 1 "Oh right. Well how the fuck would I know? I said I'd get back to him."

Man 2 "So how do they know?"

Man 1 "I don't know. I haven't asked yet."

Man 2 "Don't they just knock on the door, or phone the desk?"

Man 1 "No. I'm guessing there's computers involved."

Attack of the Brain-Dead Breakdancing Zombies insides

A few of the inside illustrations from the new Boy Zero book 'Attack of the Brain-Dead Breakdancing Zombies' by Peter Millett, published by Faber

Steal your mum's credit card kids & order YOUR copy here...

http://tinyurl.com/363j3j9

Attack of the Brain-Dead Breakdancing Zombies

Just received a copy of the second in the series of Boy Zero books by Peter Millett which I illustrated the cover & the insides

You can score a copy here...

http://www.faber.co.uk/work/boy-zero-wannabe-hero-attack-of-brain-dead-breakda/9780571253234/

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 18th September

This week's article kind of made my skin crawl...I hope yours does too kids!

(Article by Michael Holden)
Being a compulsive listener, I try and keep my staring to a minimum as a kind of trade-off, but there are some things you can't take your eyes off, and some of them are talking too. In this case, it was a couple in a cafe: a man in his 50s with cigarette-yellow skin talking to a much younger woman whose pallor seemed mainly makeup.

Man (with sinister smile) "Say, 'Pretty please.'"

Woman (hesitant, and with a heavy accent) "Pretty please."

Man (squeezing her thigh) "Very good! You best hurry up or I'll be lonely."

Woman (halting again) "I try."

Man "I'll be quick. I do everything quickly. I used to run quickly. But now I need a new knee."

Woman "I have an English lesson."

Man "I do a special lesson. Very intensive, one to one. Over in the pub. We drink, we kiss. I teach you something, we have another glass of wine.

Woman (not visibly displeased by this proposal) "Perhaps."

Man "How far away from Prague do you live, is there a motorway?"

She shrugged.

Man (miming driving) "A fast road?"

She still didn't understand.

Woman "I must see Peter."

Man "Peter?"

Woman "Peter is problem?"

Man "No. I said I don't mind. Go now and come back quickly, or I shall be very sad. You understand?"

He mimed wiping tears away by way of illustration.

Woman (smiling) "Don't be sad."

She got up, left, and when I looked away I realised – the only one unhappy with the situation was probably me.