Guardian All Ears 12th July

Chocolate-y!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/10/michael-holden-all-ears-chocolate#
(Article by Michael Holden)
In a coffee shop, a heavily tanned woman fielded questions about her holiday from a friend who appeared almost luminous in comparison.

Woman 1 "How was it then?"

Woman 2 "Absolutely fantastic, just what we needed. And the people were brilliant, couldn't do enough for you."

Woman 1 "What about the hotel?"

Woman 2 "Spotless. Couldn't fault it."

Woman 1 "Did you get all your treatments?"

Woman 2 (suddenly more animated) "Oh. My. God! Yes! Amazing! They take you down into the spa and you can choose. I had a stress reduction massage and Paul had a Thai head massage."

Woman 1 "Ooh, wonderful!"

Woman 2 "And then we both had a chocolate bath."

Woman 1 (pausing for an instant, quite rightly unaware of this vile-sounding innovation in indulgence, and then choosing to act as if she wasn't) "And what was that like then?"

Woman 2 "Amazing."

Woman 1 "Was it all … you know … chocolatey?"

Woman 2 "Oh, yes. Chocolate bubbles, the lot."

Woman 1 "Did it smell of …"

Woman 2 "… chocolate, yes."

Woman 1 (going out on a limb) "So did you have to have another bath afterwards?"

Woman 2 (deciding to let it slide) "No. We went for our dinner. It was like a buffet, you could help yourself. Go back as many times as you wanted."

Woman 1 (relieved to be back on familiar turf) "Ah, yeah, they're brilliant them."

Guardian All Ears 3rd July

One for all you animal lovers this week...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/03/michael-holden-all-ears-cats

(Article by Michael Holden)
A woman who works in a pub near me is sometimes visited by a man with whom she has had, or is having, some sort of relationship. The pattern is the same: she gives him a drink, he asks for another, she refuses, they argue and she gives in or he leaves – usually the latter. Towards the end of the first drink, a conversation sometimes breaks out, of which what follows is a fairly typical example.

Woman "She was looking after her cat, and it killed itself."

Man "Eh?"

Woman "It done itself in."

Man "Cats don't do that!"

Woman "This one did."

Man (abruptly) "How?"

Woman "Threw itself off the balcony."

Man (laughing) "That's the one thing they're good at, innit? Surviving a fall? Nine lives and all that. If you were gonna top yourself, you'd do something different. Swim out to sea or something."

Woman (defiant) "That's what happened."

Man "Bollocks. She's made that up."

Woman "It ain't. There was another cat round the corner. Same thing."

Man (giggling) "Well, what's their angle, you think? Depressed, or just like a cry for help?"

Woman (walking away) "I don't wanna talk to you about it."

Man "Well you should talk about it. I mean, if it's happening, you should call someone. There might be some money in it. You'd have Sky News in here. I think you owe it to the cats, to get to the bottom of it, so to speak."

Woman (entering the cellar) "Fuck off."

Man (calling after her) "Can I have another drink?"

But there was no answer. Perhaps she too could take no more.

Stag spotted in South London boozer...

...Ok, it's a dead one admittedly

London Fields

Various permutations of ice cream, Ice T & skinny indie kids on a hot day

Pitch work...

I just found these which I did for an (unsuccessful) animation pitch a while back, as is the way with these kind of things they pump you for different ideas then suddenly go silent & never call back... d'oh!

Guardian All Ears 26th June

'Who do you think you are kidding'...etc.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jun/26/michael-holden-all-ears-flasks#
(Article by Michael Holden)
It might sound obvious, but the further you venture from the beaten track, the weirder things become. It was a point made clear to me recently at an air show – the first one I'd been to in over 30 years – where I saw a couple doing something else I thought had stopped in the 1970s – drinking from a flask.

Man (smiling as his wife poured coffee) "That smells nice."

Woman "It's continental."

Man (suddenly unhappy) "What does that mean? Is there a certain smell, like a continental smell?"

Woman (perhaps seeking through repetition – or some form of Jedi mind trick – to negate his enquiry) "It's continental."

Man (having none of it) "It's just one of these made-up words though, isn't it? 'Continental'. Coffee comes from South America too."

Woman (plaintive, hopeful) "I guess it smells like the continent?"

Man (oblivious) "Well, and Africa, South America and Africa."

Woman (hopeful) "You smell coffee more in Europe, on the continent. Here you just smell tea."

Man (considering it) "I don't even think you can smell tea. Can you smell tea?"

Woman "Of course you can. If you can taste something then you can smell it."

Man "Is that a fact?"

Woman (having had enough now) "Look, I don't know. If you don't like it, don't drink it. Pour it back in the flask."

Man "No, I like it. I just don't like the way they describe it."

Woman (shouting over the sound of a Spitfire) "Duly noted."

Man (screaming) "Thanks!"

Guardian All Ears 19th June

Having been brought up in a town with a block of flats shaped like an ocean liner I thought maritime themed buildings were commonplace elsewhere too - life is full of little disappointments.
(I realise that for true small town authenticity the club should really be spelled 'Castawayz' with the emphasis on the 'z'!)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jun/19/michael-holden-all-ears-castaways#
(Article by Michael Holden)
To capitalise on the latest outbreak of summer, I bought an ice cream on a hot day and sat down to eat it by a fountain. It was a popular spot, and above the running water drifted the equally familiar but somewhat less soothing sound of Americans nearby.

Man 1 "They do the whole boat party thing out there, you know? It was Frat City, frat-tastic!"

Man 2 (audibly depressed) "That gets pretty old. That's why I'm happy not to live there."

Man 1 (determined) "There's this place called … what the hell is it called?"

Woman "It's a bar?

Man 1 "It's a bar, it's basically a building that's constructed to look like a boat. It looks like a boat. A big, huge, boat building …"

Woman "Castaways?"

Man 1 (overjoyed) "Castaways! That's what it's called! You walk through and it's, like, everybody's drinking margaritas. They always have a live band there and it is just … you have to see it. Everybody there is sunburnt, half naked. It's like everybody's on a cruise, but they're in the city. It is so funny. It is literally one of my favourite places."

There was a pause, as though he was expecting to have formed a consensus, and that a plan to go there some time must surely follow. But instead there was silence.

Man 2 (after a long sigh) "Right."

Man 1 (completely undeterred) "Everybody there is drinking margaritas and super ice-cold cans of beer … they drink all day!"

I washed my hands in the fountain and moved on before he could explain things any further.