(see below)
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
Gay ducks & Santino the stone throwing chimp
In a odd post dream state was alerted to a news story on Radio 4 concerning Santino the stone throwing chimp & later noticed another article about a pair of rare gay ducks called Ben & Jerry...am feverishly working on an apocalyptic end of the world conspiracy theory with a dash of Planet of the Apes in the mix. Am wondering how I can possibly implicate Charlton Heston, ice cream & Fred Goodwin hmmmm....
Sunday, 8 March 2009
Guardian All Ears 7th March
MDMA & good looking girls? Not when I was 15!
(article by Michael Holden)
Partaking in the spasm of outdoor activity afforded by the first sunny weekend of the year I was sitting outside a café when I saw two women stop a man they recognised and prize forth the following nugget of modern woe.
Woman: (having discussed the weather and other matters) “How’s your sister’s kid?”
Man: (face falling slightly) “Oh that’s all got a bit on top, he’s moved out.”
Woman: “Moved out? How old is he?”
Man: (laughing) “Fifteen.”
Woman: (less amused)“Is that even legal.”
Man: “Well, moved out in the sense that he’s gone to his dad’s. Not like moved out and got his own place.”
Woman: “Right.”
Man: “He has gone off the rails a bit though, but I keep an eye on him, via Facebook.”
Woman 2: (with disdain) “Oh, Facebook!”
Woman: (ignoring her) “What’s he up to on there?”
Man: “Him and his mates have got a page, they talk to each other in like a secret code, but I’ve cracked it. From what I can tell they do a fair bit of MDMA and they go to a lot of parties and they take pictures of a lot of good looking girls.”
Woman: “What do you make of that then?”
Man: (looking into the middle distance-doubtless at a vision of his own youth receding) “Well, I’m envious really, as much as anything else. I wish I was 15.”
Woman: “I meant what are you gonna do about it?”
Man: “I dunno. I haven’t figured that out yet.”
Monday, 2 March 2009
Guardian All Ears 28th February
I too have never seen Top Gun but I ain't getting too angsty about it...
(article by Michael Holden)
I was in a decent restaurant waiting for someone to arrive and when the waiter handed me a menu I hid my face inside it as though this might make my listening less conspicuous to the men on the next table.
Man 1(sniffing some freshly poured wine but mentally elsewhere) “Have you seen Top Gun?”
Man 2 “Of course.”
Man1 “I never saw it when it was out, it was sort of everything I hated at the time. Anyway the kids were watching it the other night so I thought might as well see what all the fuss was about.”
Man 2 “What did you reckon?”
Man 1 “Well it’s balls, isn’t it? I have to try and keep quiet when the kids are watching a movie I hate, not that they care what I think particularly, but you can get wound up when they’re enjoying something that you think is awful.”
Man 2 “So what did you think?”
Man1 “Well I could cope with all the flying around…”
Man 2 “The aeronautics…”
Man 1 “Yeah, I could live with the fact they were flying upside down at Mach whatever taking Polaroid photos, and I could cope with the fact that he’s having an affair with Kelly Mcgillis who’s supposed to be an authority figure, I mean it’s all ridiculous, but then Tom Cruise is playing volleyball, he keeps leaping up and slamming the ball down, and he’s a midget, isn’t he? That wound me up, I had to say something.”
Man 2 “What did you say?”
Man 1 “I said to the kids I said either he’s on a trampoline or that’s not a real Volleyball net. They didn’t even react but, you know, I’m right.”
Man 2 “Why did it annoy you so much?”
Man 1 (starring into his soul) “I…don’t know.”
Man 2 (trying to help) “Because you’re tall?”
Man 1 (having exploredl the possibilities and formed a conclusion) “No, because it’s bullshit!”
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Sunday, 22 February 2009
Guardian All Ears 22nd February
Madagascar flavoured bedding - luvverly!
(Article by Michael Holden)
On the back of a bus in Humberside two women in their early twenties were discussing their respective boyfriends. The first had little to report except her chosen consort’s perceived unpleasantness, but when the second got going things took on a more remarkable complexion.
Woman 1 “Everyone said he were a bastard, he used to say if that’s what they reckoned best not disappoint ‘em.”
Woman 2: “That’s like when I moved in with Liam, everyone disowned me, I had to move to the other side of Hull.”
Woman 1: “Well when you love someone I don’t matter what anyone else thinks. You just gotta get on with it.”
Woman 2: (fondly) “He sends me a lot of texts, texts me all the time. I do that sleep texting thing though…”
Woman 1: “Eh?”
Woman 2: “If I text him while I’m in bed and he texts me back I send him another text but in my sleep, I don’t know I’ve sent it.”
Woman 1: “What like?”
Woman 2: “Some right old bollocks, he used to ring me up to ask me what I were on about but that would wake me up, so now he knows not to.”
Woman 1 (eager to assess the strength of her friend’s relationship via a more orthodox phenomenon) “He taken you out anywhere nice?”
Woman 2 “He took us to see that Madagascar 2.”
Woman 1 “How were it?”
Woman 2 “It were alright. I say this for him though he’s dead clever. When it finished I was ready to leave and he said hang on, he knew there were extra bit at the end, over the credits, where all the animals like sing and dance about and that.”
Woman 1 “Worth staying on for?”
Woman 2 “Not really. No.”
Sunday, 15 February 2009
Guardian All Ears 14th February
Ha ha! Spot the sad Dr Who references...
(Article by Michael Holden)
By a mainline station there is an old police call post, nothing more than a thin blue pillar that must once have held a telephone and fitted with a sign confirming it’s dereliction advising those in need of help to look elsewhere. Any resemblance to its celebrated relative in Dr Who is negligible, but on a match day afternoon I watched it beguile two tipsy fans as they tried to make their way home.
Fan 1 (quite fat, clearly the leader) “Where the fuck are we?”
Fan 2 (smaller, younger, confused by disposition as much as alcohol) “Station innit?”
Fan 1 (seeing the police post) “Whassat about?”
Fan 2 Eh?
Fan 1 (getting excited) “It’s the whatsit, it’s the TARDIS!”
Fan 2 “Eh?”
Fan 1 (really happy now) “The TARDIS!”
Fan 2 (looking a bit annoyed) “That ain’t the TARDIS…it’s just a thing.”
Fan 1 (seeing two policemen approaching in the distance) “Go ask them coppers where we are.”
Fan 2 (moving off) “Right”
Fan 1 (calling after him) “Ask them if this is a TARDIS!”
The younger man ran up to the police, talked to them and then ran back.
Fan 1 “Is it the TARDIS?”
Fan 2 (defiant) “I never asked ‘em about that.”
Fan 1 (seeing the police coming closer) “I’ll ask ‘em myself.”
But as they arrived he noticed they were heavily armed and as though the alcohol afforded him a vision of an all too feasible future where pratting about is a capitol crime, he elected to say nothing at all.
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