...& another (part of an occasional series)
Thursday 18 November 2010
Saturday 13 November 2010
The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 13th November
No nice animals were harmed in the making of this image.
(only a few nasty ones)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/nov/13/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
The morning after Halloween, the local pub's landlady was up a ladder, dismantling extensive decorations from the weekend, while one of the hardcore locals, a guy of around 65, finished a pint and looked up from his newspaper.
Man "Can I have another?"
Woman (from up on the ladder) "Help yourself."
He moved behind the bar, poured a drink and sat down again.
Man (looking at his beer) "I'm gonna stop drinking."
Woman "Why?"
Man (joking – but not entirely) "It says in the paper it's worse than crack. I reckon I'm gonna get into crack, go up a crackhouse."
Woman "Good luck."
Man "I reckon it's cheaper."
Woman "It won't be any cheaper than that – you ain't paid."
She came down carrying a decorative witch's cat and bunch of fake webs.
Man "That looks like my cat."
Woman (shocked) "You have a cat?"
Man "It's a bit feral. It follows me to the other pub, starts meowing, all that. So I feed it this and that. But then it goes off on a killing spree. Eats anything."
Woman "What like?"
Man "The other day it got a squirrel, then it walked past the pub with its tail sticking out of its mouth, trying to get it down. My mate, you know him, he's in a bad way. He thinks it's got two tails. It rattles him, he can't figure it out. Thinks he's imagining it."
Woman "And?"
Man "He's gone to rehab."
Woman "You didn't tell him?"
Man "Didn't want to break the spell."
Woman (fetching down more occult trinkets) "Fair enough."
Tuesday 9 November 2010
'unwelcome space jazz'
Was just listening to Brian Eno on the wireless talking about imaginary musical genres...I'd love to hear some unwelcome space jazz!
(see also 'random thud' http://stevemaystuff.blogspot.com/2010/08/musical-genres-1-random-thud.html)
Saturday 6 November 2010
The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 6th November
Yep! I'm available for tattoos & children's parties too!
- the knuckle tattoo 'toys' hails from a situation in a Brighton bar where upon being ejected from the premises by the door security the ejectee turned to said bouncer, held his fists up & loudly exclaimed 'What do you think these are?!? F*CKING TOYS??!?!'
Anyway, article follows shortly...
(Article by Michael Holden)
I was on a bus one evening as it stopped by the local fair. A man
boarded, came and sat upstairs directly in front of me, although we
were the only passengers. He looked a lot like someone who might work
at the fair, although I always thought having access to a vehicle
would be one of the perks of such employment. Either way, he was up on
the bus when he started talking, initially to himself, facing his
reflection in window.
Man 1 “I wish this driver would hurry up. I’ve only had two hours
sleep. I did nine hours on the rides. Can’t be strapping kids in if
I’m tired. Health and safety. Health and safety! Can’t sleep. Can’t
sleep in that room. Full of car boot stuff…every weekend. I’m gonn
have to have a word with her. And the spare room. She won’t shift it.
Every weekend…more and more.”
At the next stop a man got on with his young son, who was holding a
massive blue bear, the sight of which was enough to nudge the first
man from his monologue.
Man 1 “Been to fair?”
Man 2 “Yeah.”
Man 1 (addressing the kid) “Win that, did you?”
Kid (proudly) “Yeah.”
Man 1 “I’ll tell you how clean them bears.”
Kid “How?”
Man 1 “ What you want is a polythene bag full of bicarb. Like a
carrier bag. Stick the bear in and shake it up, give it a good shake.
It’ll come out good as new. It works better if you got a few of them.”
Kid “Bags?”
Man 1 “Bears.”
Man 2 (to his son) “You remember that now.”
Man 1 “You’ll have to go back and win some more.”
Man 2 “Yeah. We will”
Kid “Really?”
Man 2 “Maybe.”
Good luck, I thought. Just keep an eye on who’s strapping you into the rides.
Saturday 30 October 2010
The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 30th October
On reflection would have liked to have added a penguin into the mix,
I like penguins. End of.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/oct/30/michael-holden-all-ears
(article by Michael Holden)
By giving us what we thought we wanted whenever we wanted it, supermarkets have bred a reciprocal brand of super anxiety. Listen closely, and the aisles hum with a discontent peculiar to the resentment of dreams fulfilled. Down by the fresh meat fridges, I found two men bemoaning the very air that they breathed.
Man 1 (sifting through the giblets) "It's cold in here."
Man 2 "Colder than it used to be?"
Man 1 "For sure. You come in here in summer with a T-shirt on and you have to run round, get out before your core temperature plummets down."
Man 2 (pulling at his ears) "I can feel it in my ears. My ears are cold. That never used to happen."
Man 1 "It's just daft. Think about the energy."
Man 2 "It's unpleasant, is what it is. Maybe it's to keep you moving. Get you in and get you out. Like the fucking Crystal Maze.
Man 1 "On ice."
Man 2 "Exactly!"
Man 1 "It's gotta be a preservation thing. They fly this stuff in from wherever the fuck – Argentina – everybody hates that. So they have to keep it as long as possible, drop the temperature of the whole store."
Man 2 "That can't be good."
Man 1 "It's like I said: the energy."
Man 2 (grabbing a lump of meat and reckoning its heft as though he might use it as a weapon) "It all comes down to energy."
Man 1 "We should go somewhere else."
Man 2 (holding the joint at eye level and staring directly at it, Hamlet-style) "There isn't anywhere else though, is there?"
Man 1 "Not that I know of. Not round here."
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