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Saturday 5 December 2009

Guardian All Ears 5th December



(Article by Michael Holden)
I could see the man at the next table was having a hard time from the way he held his drinks-for dear life, it seemed. He stared into the middle distance with an air of furious sorrow and swallowed beer in great mouthfuls, around a third of a pint each time. At the end of his second something like relief came to his face and then he was joined by a friend who bought another drink to his table.

Man 1 (upbeat) “How are we.”

Man 2 (morose) “In fucking bits.”

Man 1 “You haven't slept at all?”

He shook his head

Man 1 “I don't know how you get away with it.”

Man 2 “I don't though, do I? That's why I'm in here.”
Man1 “It could be worse.”

Man 2 “How? How feasibly could it be worse?”

Man 1 “Look, if I’d known you were gonna do the whole self pity thing I wouldn’t have come.”
Man 2 “No, I’m sorry. I do appreciate it. Or I will do when I get myself together.”

Man 1 “Well be sure and give me a ring when that happens.”
Man 2 (finishing his pint) “I’m feeling better already.”

Man 1 “Good, well, one step at a time eh?”

Man 2 “Yeah.”

Then he got up and walked to the toilet and was sick so loudly you could hear him through the door and over the jukebox, which was playing Christmas tunes.


Thursday 3 December 2009

Nice pear...



there's a theme developing here (I seem to remember all computers were named after fruit & vegetables in the '80s - there was definitely an Acorn & an Apricot?)

Mac reaper?



...or for the more morbid computer user

Carrot



What with all these Snow Leopards etc. anyone else thinking Apple have missed a trick?

Monday 30 November 2009

Robbers



Front cover for Communicators magazine on internet security (& a great excuse for PROPER robbers!) Things would be sooo much simpler if people dressed to type & animals ate what they're supposed to eat (bears - honey, elephants - buns etc.)

Saturday 28 November 2009

Guardian All Ears 28th November


During the drawing of this picture my computer crashed forcing me to have to draw those creepy twins from the X Factor twice - I can categorically state that I have never watched the wretched thing - horrible easy listening mush for all the family - but you can't escape seeing them everywhere - rant! rant! rant!

(Article by Michael Holden)
Years of satanic number crunching at my local train company appear to have finally yielded a system that enables them to deploy the absolute minimum of carriages no matter what time of day it is. So, off-peak travel – once one of the great perks of self employment – is now just a grotesque and scaled-down, Fisher-Price rush hour. The torment of others, which might ordinarily have been confined to an avoidable area, now closes in from every side.

Woman 1 (to my right, "waking up" having feigned sleep to stop people trying to sit next to her) "Give us that mag."

Woman 2 (opposite her, defending her own space with a bottle of partially drunk cola and a crescent of low-rent magazines, one of which she passed over) "That had me laughing out loud."

Woman 3 (directly opposite-reading from a paper to a husband who made faces but never replied) "That zero-carbon housing development is going ahead."

Man 1 (behind me - talking into his phone) "Theo! Theo! It's Mark. I've been in Sweden … and Hamburg … I'm on the train … I think the problem is with the gearboxes … yeah, it's a bad signal …"

Woman 2 "Did I tell you what happened at work? I only had the key for the top lock, and I asked her for the key to the bottom lock and she give me a load of grief."

Woman 1 (ignoring her, staring at her mobile) "I can't do that predictive text."

Man 1 "Theo … Theo can you hear me? Theo? Can you hear me?"

I put on some music before any of these crucial issues were resolved.

Thursday 26 November 2009

Fishy...



more fishy sketchbook nonsense