Guardian All Ears 3rd July

One for all you animal lovers this week...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/03/michael-holden-all-ears-cats

(Article by Michael Holden)
A woman who works in a pub near me is sometimes visited by a man with whom she has had, or is having, some sort of relationship. The pattern is the same: she gives him a drink, he asks for another, she refuses, they argue and she gives in or he leaves – usually the latter. Towards the end of the first drink, a conversation sometimes breaks out, of which what follows is a fairly typical example.

Woman "She was looking after her cat, and it killed itself."

Man "Eh?"

Woman "It done itself in."

Man "Cats don't do that!"

Woman "This one did."

Man (abruptly) "How?"

Woman "Threw itself off the balcony."

Man (laughing) "That's the one thing they're good at, innit? Surviving a fall? Nine lives and all that. If you were gonna top yourself, you'd do something different. Swim out to sea or something."

Woman (defiant) "That's what happened."

Man "Bollocks. She's made that up."

Woman "It ain't. There was another cat round the corner. Same thing."

Man (giggling) "Well, what's their angle, you think? Depressed, or just like a cry for help?"

Woman (walking away) "I don't wanna talk to you about it."

Man "Well you should talk about it. I mean, if it's happening, you should call someone. There might be some money in it. You'd have Sky News in here. I think you owe it to the cats, to get to the bottom of it, so to speak."

Woman (entering the cellar) "Fuck off."

Man (calling after her) "Can I have another drink?"

But there was no answer. Perhaps she too could take no more.

café

Guardian All Ears 7th June

This week's copy...ruminations on cat indolence...



I arrived at an airport with several hours to spare and having made it to the departure lounge without let or hindrance and not consumed by the urge to buy a foot long Toblerone or try and win a car in a raffle there seemed little else to do but repair to the hideous “pub”. This proved a popular option and soon I was sharing a table with a couple fretting about their abandoned pet.

Man “I hope the cat’s O.K.”

Woman “It’ll be fine.”

Man “I worry about him.”

Woman “ I dunno why, it’s not like he’s gonna get into a trouble, he never does anything when we’re there, I don’t imagine he gets up to much when we’re away.”

Man “You never know…”

Woman “You never know what? You think it’s gonna have some friends over and wreck the place?”

Man “No, I mean…”

Woman “What?”

Man (as though revealing a guilty secret) “They get lonely”

Woman “He’s too lazy to be lonely.”

Man “That’s not fair!”

Woman “The other day I was watching him and he was staring straight at the sun. I couldn’t figure out why an animal would do that and then I thought-perhaps it’s easier than dilating your pupils, perhaps it’s his way of doing even than less than he was doing anyway-which was nothing-just lying on his back looking at the sun in the sky.”

Man “The Egyptians…”

Woman “Don’t even start with the Egyptians, they built the pyramids. You worship a cat and you won’t even put up a shelf.”