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Wednesday, 2 September 2009

All Ears 29th August



(Article by Michael Holden)

Hotel bars are strange places-venues for people who should never have met. That said, the two men I found myself seated next to at a long bar in a place that raked back in alcohol prices what it saved you on a room, seemed well acquainted.

Man 1 (concerned) “You like running though?”

Man 2 (sadly, as though bereaved) “I love it’s just it’s…got a bit out of hand.”

Man 1 “You’ve injured yourself?”

Man 2 (confessional) No. I just think I’m taking it too seriously. I entered a race a few weeks ago, a 6K thing, for charity. I won.”

Man 1 “So?”

Man 2 “Well-it was like a fun run-but I sort of misread it, and went full tilt. I was out on my own from the beginning. Soon I was so far ahead I was passing stewards who were setting stuff up. And I started to have a go at them, saying they should get their act together.”

Man 1 “What, and you stop running to do this?”

Man 2 “No. Just look back and shout really.”

Man 1 “Right.”

Man 2 “I’m not proud of it. I can see now that I’d gone mental.”

Man 1 “Well that’s the main thing.”

Man 2 “I crossed the line and there was no one there, I felt very strange”

Man 1 “I imagine death to be like that.”

Man 2 “And there was a steel band playing the theme from Blake’s Seven.”

Man 1 “Jesus.”

Man 2 “Then a photographer from the local paper and asked me if I’d cross the line again so he could get a picture.”

Man 1 “What did you do?”

Man 2 “Well I refused.”

Monday, 24 August 2009

All Ears 22nd August



This week's pic involves Metallica allusions & one of the most terrible puns known to humanity but the temptation was...too strong! Many apologies

(Article by Michael Holden)
It’s all very well, the warm weather, but the same streets which people ordinarily walk down briskly are now thick with folk indulging in the pleasures of the season-and for the second week running in this column-that means food. This time I was after a sausage sandwich but noticed that the woman ahead of me was queuing to the extreme left of the stall. I stood behind her until a man walked up and commented on the odd arrangement.

Man “Is this the queue?”

Me “Yeah, but I don’t know why it’s here…”

Woman (tense, defensive) “I’m queuing here, because I don’t want to get smoke IN MY FACE!”

One of the cooks handed her a sandwich and she walked off, face intact. The chefs then started talking amongst themselves about the song that was fading out on the radio.

Cook 1 (Eastern European accent) “What do you make of that. Pretty rocky eh?”

Cook 2 “Nah…”

Cook 1 “You like Metallica?”

Cook 2 “Nah.”

Cook 1 (undeterred) “They make an album with an orchestra.”

Cook 2 (smug, sarcastic) “Wow.”

Cook 1 “The full orchestra.”

Cook 2 “Yeah?”

Cook 1 “It is fantastic. The album with the orchestra is the same album they make themselves before without orchestra. It is so good, sometimes you cannot tell which album you are listening to.”

Cook 2 “Yeah?”

Cook 1 (the futility of his enthusiasm beginning to dawn) “You like Metallica?”

Cook 2 “No.”

Cook 1 “Still, you should listen to the album.”

Cook 2 “Nah.”

Thursday, 20 August 2009

...oh not again!



...someone went & switched the animal noises while you were asleep...

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

time travel via food stuffs...



...if breakfast is served at an inappropriate time of day is it possible to disregard the day's events & start one's day again?

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Guardian All Ears 15th August



(Article by Michael Holden)
Near where I work the pattern of lunchtime activity has been affected by the arrival of a van a couple of weeks ago that sells Burritos. Everyone has gone nuts for this and the queue snakes halfway down the road. Ordinarily I would be reluctant to take part in such a phenomenon, but the food’s too good. I was in line the other day when a woman from further behind came up and started talking to the woman in front of me as though I wasn’t there. I held out my phone quite conspicuously between them and recorded what they were saying. They didn’t notice. They had better things to think about.

Woman 1 “Nice Day!”

Woman 2 “Yeah.”

Woman 1 “Big queue. I’m really, really, really hungry”

Woman 2 “ But they are quick.”

Woman 1 “Still on for tonight?”

Woman 2 “Where is it?”

Woman 1 “You know the roundabout? I’m on the other side of the roundabout. Call me when you get there.”

Woman 2 “The roundabout?”

Woman 1 “It’s not that far down. Literally go past the roundabout, straight down the road and that’s my building.”

Woman 2 “What time?”

Woman 1 “Sevenish?”

Woman 2 “Are you going to text Kate?”

Woman 1 “I’ll email her.”

Woman 2 “And then email me.”

Woman 1 “I’ll email you.”

Woman 2 “How are we gonna get there, walk?”

Woman 1 “We could get a cab, between us.”

Woman 2 (turning to the grill, distracted by the scent) “I can’t decide what to have.”

Woman 1 “I’ll leave you to it. Here’s me gabbing on about tonight and your just like-Burrito…”

Woman 2 (like Homer Simpson) “Burrito…”

Woman 1 (slightly disgusted) “See you at seven then.”

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

ACME happy kit© (slight return)



...with the deluxe version you get these extras (you can pay a supplement for the 'pig in shit'©!)

ACME happy kit©



Includes detachable 'smile card'© & the famed 't-shirt of great hilarity'©

altogether now... 'f*** off & pull yourself together!'©