Guardian All Ears 7th June

This week's copy...ruminations on cat indolence...



I arrived at an airport with several hours to spare and having made it to the departure lounge without let or hindrance and not consumed by the urge to buy a foot long Toblerone or try and win a car in a raffle there seemed little else to do but repair to the hideous “pub”. This proved a popular option and soon I was sharing a table with a couple fretting about their abandoned pet.

Man “I hope the cat’s O.K.”

Woman “It’ll be fine.”

Man “I worry about him.”

Woman “ I dunno why, it’s not like he’s gonna get into a trouble, he never does anything when we’re there, I don’t imagine he gets up to much when we’re away.”

Man “You never know…”

Woman “You never know what? You think it’s gonna have some friends over and wreck the place?”

Man “No, I mean…”

Woman “What?”

Man (as though revealing a guilty secret) “They get lonely”

Woman “He’s too lazy to be lonely.”

Man “That’s not fair!”

Woman “The other day I was watching him and he was staring straight at the sun. I couldn’t figure out why an animal would do that and then I thought-perhaps it’s easier than dilating your pupils, perhaps it’s his way of doing even than less than he was doing anyway-which was nothing-just lying on his back looking at the sun in the sky.”

Man “The Egyptians…”

Woman “Don’t even start with the Egyptians, they built the pyramids. You worship a cat and you won’t even put up a shelf.”

Guardian All Ears 31st May

Five Star haven't figured in my imagination for quite a while but this week's copy for 'All Ears' has changed that irrevocably....


I was in a bookshop whose layout made no sense to me, searching for something but not about to ask for any assistance when I noticed a couple talking to one another across a giant display of discounted hardbacks. They spoke so loudly the subtext of their conversation seemed to be ‘Check it out everyone, we’re in a bookshop!’ Perhaps it was their first time.

Woman (leafing through a huge volume of collected British pop facts) “Were Five Star from Britain?”

Man (genuinely surprised) “Are you kidding me?”

Woman (miffed, showing him the book) “Well they’re in here…”

Man (Essex accent becoming more pronounced) “I can’t believe you asked me that, they’re from down my way innit? Romford. ‘System Addict’ that was a tune. When did it come out? ”

Woman (studying the tome) “1986”

Man “Whoah, that’s what, twenty odd years. This is making me feel old now. What was the album?”

Woman (losing interest) “I dunno…they made loads…”

Man (excited) “Silk and Steel! Oh yeah, I had that. What happened to them?”

Woman (annoyed with the lack of further information) “I doesn’t say, this is just lists.”

Man “I remember they moved to a big house. They had a private disco and a fair and all that, like Jacko. Cars, you name it. Except this was in Berkshire maybe, they left Essex, I remember that.”

Woman “Did they have a monkey?”

Man “Not in Berkshire. I don’t think they’re allowed.”

Things I hate Pt 5a

...people who peddle LIES like this

(see 'spiders')

Things I hate Pt 5

Bastards...bastards...bastards!

& don't get me started on...

Guardian 25th May

Guardian 25th May - loved the copy for this one ...

I was on a bus where the sunshine combined with the vehicle’s created a climate that was testing enough when a man got on who was so angry that in cooler conditions steam might feasibly have come from his ears. As it was he just sweated along with everyone else as he berated the woman he came in with for someone else’s mistakes.

Woman “You should never have paid them”

Man “I didn’t realise they hadn’t fixed it properly till I rode off, it had all new parts”

Woman “You shouldn’t have paid till you’d ridden it…”

Man “Bike shops are turning to shit. They were all sat about listening to Radiohead, it was like they were doing me a favour. This Russian mechanic rides it round the block and says there’s no problem. I tell him he’s gotta be joking. As soon as I got back on it you could hear the gears were slipping still!”

Woman (dutifully) “So what happened then?”

Man “It got worse. He starts saying it’s ‘cos the bikes dirty-taking me for an idiot-says, ‘when did you last ride it?’ I lost it then, said ‘I rode it here, you prick!’ He backs off into his garage a bit then, but he tells me I want it all doing on the cheap. I said ‘I just asked you to fix it and you haven’t.’”

Woman “You shouldn’t have paid them.”

Man “Well I just lost it then, after the mechanic’s skulked off I ask the other one, who’s picking at his beard with a pencil-stoned I reckon-if this is normal-he says, ‘well I can book you in for anther service.’ I walked out then, I wasn’t having that.

Woman “And now you’re taking the bus…”

Man (looking about him with disdain) “Innit. I might learn to drive, drive the car through the bike shop window…”

Things I hate Pt 4

Just...keep them away...please...

So sue me Mr Jobs...

...Apple might be unhappy with my 'grim-reaper-brand-association' schtick in this week's Guardian but I love a good law suit - always good for publicity damnit!

(Article by Michael Holden)
I had a table to myself on a train for a while but as the journey went on my seclusion was punctured by a couple that came and sat opposite me and began prodding at a laptop.

Man: “Do you want to see some thing really depressing?”

Woman “What, off the internet?”

Man “No. They don’t have that here. This is something on the computer. I look at it from time to time and I just…well, it blows me away.”

Woman “Will I like it?”

Man “You’re not meant to like it.”

Woman “I mean will it upset me.”

Man “Well, I dunno. I suppose it’s more poignant than upsetting. It’s just the calendar.”

Woman “The calendar?”

Man “Yeah, check it out.”

He began pawing extensively at the device’s touchpad.

Man “Look, it goes backwards, it’s like you’re going back in time.”

Woman “Why would you need that?”

Man “I don’t know, but look, there goes the year I was born. This is normally when I start feeling sad.”

Woman “ I see what you mean. It’s a bit weird watching all the years roll by.”

Man “I did it for ages once, you can scroll back to 1900, well actually it shows New Year’s Eve 1899, but that’s just because of the way the week’s laid out.”

Woman “What about the future”

Man “Eh?”

Woman “How far can you see into the future.”

Man “I’ve never tried.”

Woman (excited) “Let’s do it!”

Man (turning off laptop) “No, no. The battery might run out.”