Monday, 1 February 2010
Armchair Sinister Bird Theatre...(slight return)
Part 2 of a fictitious TV strand from my (pretend) youth
see also http://stevemaystuff.blogspot.com/2009/11/armchair-sinister-bird-theatre.html
whore's, dog's & sausage's
The 'whore's' quote was from an image at the Museum of Everything in Chalk Farm, the sausage references are too complicated to explain, although I definitely wish animals would stick to their alloted food clichés - dogs = sausages, bears = honey, elephants = buns etc. Would make everything sooo much simpler for everyone
(PS the misused apostrophes are deliberate dummy!)
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Guardian All Ears 30th January
Coming from a home town where street drinking is somewhat of an ancient tradition I rather warmed to this week's column...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jan/30/clubs-michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
No matter what our circumstances, we are always alert to the notion that someone might be encroaching on them. I was in the library, sharing a table with two men who use the place to keep warm, when they began talking about a group of eastern European men whose attempts to use the facility for similar purposes had begun to cause friction with the indigenous community of no fixed abode.
Man 1 (looking across at the other table) "They're drinking again."
Man 2 (following his gaze but less intently) "Oh, aye."
Man 1 "They're gonna get us all kicked out."
Man 2 "You reckon?"
Man 1 "They don't take care of themselves. I see 'em on the streets; they'll drink till one of them falls over. Then they have to go to hospital. Then the others'll come and visit. You know what happens then?"
Man 2 "What?"
Man 1 "That stuff they have on the wards, the MRSA handwash? They nick that and drink it."
Man 2 "That'll fuck you up."
Man 1 "Cranial bleeding, haemorrhage. That said, it's not too different from your white cider; that's never been near an apple, you know that?"
Man 2 (sensing he was being chastised) "Yeah, I am aware of all that."
Man 1 "So that's the cycle: hospital, handwash, back into hospital again. And who do you think's paying for it?"
Man 2 (smiling) "When did you last pay any taxes?"
Man 1 (ignoring that inquiry and returning to his theme) "They're gonna get us all kicked out if they're not careful."
Saturday, 23 January 2010
Guardian All Ears 23rd January
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jan/23/michael-holdens-all-ears#
(article by Michael Holden)
Struggling for ways to kill time in cold weather, I went to the pictures in the middle of the day, alone. Judging by the composition of the crowd this was a reasonably popular option – there were about a dozen people there, mostly alone, but there was a pair of blokes in front of me who spoke loudly to one another during the time between when the film was advertised to start and when it actually began.
Man 1 (With a mixture of pride and disbelief) "I hadn't been to the supermarket in over a year."
Man 2 (admiringly) "What, she goes? "
Man 1 "Yeah, she goes and I pay for it."
Man 2 "Fair enough."
Man 1 "Yeah, but I felt a bit guilty. I mean, it's not hard. I actually quite like supermarkets, if they're not too busy. So I said I'd go with her, which turned out to be a mistake."
Man 2 "How so?"
Man 1 "Well I went in quite optimistic thinking, here I am, taking part in something – doing my bit and all the rest of it. But it all went sour when I started bringing stuff to the trolley."
Man 2 (anxious) "Like what, what do you mean?"
Man 1 "Oh, it's all the wrong mushrooms and 'get the ones that are on offer'. I like to roam free in these places, but she has a whole system of how you go about it. You start roaming, going off the map and the whole thing breaks down. There's no scope for innovation. It's a proper regime."
Man 2 "So what happened?"
Man 1 "Well I shut up, didn't I?"
Man 2 "You going back?"
Man 1 "No, we had it right the first time. You're better off alone."
Friday, 22 January 2010
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
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