Cow...

This was a rough that for a magazine job that I never used which I just rediscovered - I actually think it's funnier than the final piece (maybe they didn't like the extreme bovine cruelty involved?)

Pedal

T-shirts

Shy

Helicopters...

Guardian All Ears 10th January

Shame we couldn't have put this nearer to Xmas - I'm sure everyody's forgotten about office parties et al by now...

I love the Kiss reference - they're hilarious - & (sshhh!) I know for a fact that they use dummy Marshall stacks on stage ie ones with no speakers inside. In a previous life I once spent an afternoon in Birmingham NEC setting the fake speaker cabinets up. How RAWK is that?

Article by Michael Holden

I was in a hostelry so dense with seasonal drunks it was actually easier to stay inside and put up with it than fight your way out. After a while the two people who had been standing within a centimetre of me were joined by a third who began by apologising for his late arrival.

Man 3: (acting like he’d been running) “Whoah, sorry about that, got held up at work.”

Man 2: (doubtful-not about to let him get off lightly) “Yeah? What happened then? We’ve been here nearly an hour.”

Man 1: (not to be ignored and suspicious of Man 1’s breathlessness) “I actually did run here, to try and be on time, to meet you.”

Man 3: “Well it was the office party, I couldn’t not go. I got away as fast as I could.”

Man 2: (forgiving) “You’ve done well in that case.”

Man 1: “How was it?”

Man 3: “Beyond belief. They cancelled the venue ‘cos of the budget cuts.”

Man 2: “So where was it?”

Man 1: (still amazed) “In the room where the vending machines are. It was just my department, but still. My boss came over and offered me a glass of wine, she’d put make up round her eye-sort of drawn a star-to mark the occasion.”

Man 2: “Like the bloke from Kiss?”

Man 1: “Exactly-the guitarist.”

Man 2: “Jesus.”

Man 1: The wine was bad too. In the end I just stuck some money in the machine and had a coffee.”

Man 3: (feeling comparatively well off enough to ignore the reality of their present surroundings, and the fact that he was standing on my foot) “Well, at least we’re here.”