Plummeting Pants!

To further scientifically prove the age old popularity of falling underpants 'Boy Zero - Wannabe Hero - Mystery of the Plummeting Pants' written by Peter Millet published by Faber & illustrated by yours truly has been nominated for a junior fiction award in New Zealand

In celebration here's a picture of General Pandemonium the villain of the piece after his pants have fallen off! I'm too good to you all! : )You can see more here!
& you can buy a copy here

Cartoon Kid - Supercharged! (& better scan!)

Here's the cover to the new Cartoon Kid book (scanned properly & not just filched off the interweb like before)In this one our hero Casper has to face the monstrous Mrs Cloddle or 'CLODZILLA' as she's known (couldn't resist a picture of Mrs Cloddle in full nose wiping action either!)

You can order a copy here

Police elephant! (& a police kangaroo too!)

Couldn't resist posting the police animals arresting Masher & his gang from the new Cartoon Kid book - I love a police animal!

Grannies wrestling tigers, plummeting rhinos & others...

Some more of my illustrations from the new Cartoon Kid book by Jeremy Strong featuring Grannies wrestling tigers, plummeting rhinos & superhero action among other treats!
You can buy your copy here

Cartoon Kid 2 - Supercharged!

The second in the series of Cartoon Kid books by Jeremy Strong has just been published by Puffin books featuring Casper who is secretly a superhero who among other things has to contend with a monstrous new teacher Mrs Cloddle or CLODZILLA!
You can buy it here

(contains sexual swearwords)

Somebody reminded of this piece I directed for the Monkeydust series many moons ago so thought I'd post it - the talk of government targets all sounds depressingly familiar (contains sexual swearwords)

Lions & Tigers & Bears (oh my!)

Detail from previous post - am most perplexed why more people don't want Wizard of Oz tattoos theses days

Zombie Arcade (slight return)

Some more good retro wholesome made-up horror comic stuff for you kids*!

Available at all good newsagents (& a fair few sh*tty ones too)

*this is what comes of a childhood spent in a seaside town watching too many horror films & reading too many comics...

Cocktail time

Just a typical night out...

Monster playing with cat

Now in technicolour (almost)

Inky beasties (slight return)

More monsters (& the odd tiger) - don't say you don't get your money's worth!

Pen & ink* monsters

*No it's not rhyming slang! Just finished a few of these little beasties for a client the other day, nice change to work with dip pen & wash for a job (although I did find myself looking for the Apple Z command on many occasions!)

Das Fluff promo 'Would You Die For Me?'

I've just directed & designed a short sting for my band Das Fluff's debut album release - you can watch it here

disguises, & other stories...

This was an illustration for Community Care magazine about social workers avoiding their clients in the street (but as anybody who knows me any excuse for a false moustache will do!)

CRIME!!!

CRIME! Robbers, skeleton keys, the works!

Debut Das Fluff single released TODAY!

Not animation or illustration linked but my wonderful band Das Fluff have just released our debut single Happy People / Hey You - you can buy it from here or here or even here

'Propelling beats, smooth riffs and vibrant atmospheres ... Das Fluff plays with fire.'

C.J. LAZARETTI - Erotic Review (read more)


'Ooh. Now this is dirrrrty ... a scintillating slice of dance floor genius ... Glorious.'

JAMES BALL - Stereoboard.com (read more)

robbing b*stards!

Just finished this for Inside Out magazine for an article about stealing from work commissioned by the delightful Amelia Clark.

Puts me in mind of the classic 'Take Stuff From Work' by the redoubtable King Missile which by the magic of the interweb can be found here! - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIXz_vzROrw

Abominable...

Been conducting some field research on mythical beasties

He's been selected for exhibition at this years Pictoplasma festival too!

Zombie Arcade

From all good newsagents* (& a fair few sh*tty ones too!)

* this is a lie

Pants!

Michael Holden's All Ears 5th March (& my last one)

Sadly this my LAST EVER All Ears. (although in the print edition it's credited to 'name in here')

I only officially found this out earlier in the week which is rather disappointing in that unbeknownst to The Guardian, all through the run I've been secretly implanting symbols within each illustration with the plan that if you laid all of them out on a large flat surface they'd spell out a secret message that can only be read from space* (something about lizard people, the Holy Grail & Rupert Murdoch etc.)

So much for my masterplan...

Anyway thanks to Stephen & Sara at The Guardian for being a pleasure to work with over the last 3 years or so & have enjoyed Mr Holden's articles (despite never having met him!) at least I get my weekends free now

PS *this may be a lie

(& milk in coffee's for wimps & little girls, - FACT!)

Over & out, here's the article

(Article by Michael Holden)

Mid-morning at a busy sandwich and coffee concession in the middle of the city, and one young businessman collected his, presumably daily, sought-after beverage and returned with a look of what could only be described as woe.

Man 1 "I hate the way they shout it out."

Man 2 "What?"

Man 1 (quietly, as if in shame) "'Milky Americano'. It's the word milky, she says it, 'mill-key', really strings it out. She shouts it when I order, too."

Man 2 (right first time) "You think it's a sign of weakness, having extra milk in your coffee?"

Man 1 (embarrassed to be read so rightly) "No, I … "

Man 2 "Yeah, you do!"

Man 1 "I don't. I just take the trouble to say, 'With plenty of milk', and they turn that into milky, and shout it out, 'Mill-key!'"

Man 2 (half joking) "Well, it's a dynamic environment – they have their own way of getting things done."

Man 1 (playing along) "Yeah, but I'm a key part of that environment, I'm driving it."

Man 2 "You're just one person. And you'll be the only one that gives a fuck."

Man 1 "I reckon this could be bigger than you think."

Man 2 "You're not alone?"

Man 1 "You never know."

Man 2 "Get on Twitter, start a revolution."

Man 1 "It's blocked at work."

Man 2 "Do it when you get in."

Man 1 "It never bothers me at night."

Man 2 "What does?"

Man 1 (emphatic) "Other stuff."

Man 2 (retreating, quite probably wisely) "Right."

World Book Day

Micheal Lawrence who writes the popular Jiggy McCue series of books which I've had the pleasure of illustrating the covers has written a special Jiggy book especially for World Book Day called 'Evilution the Troof' which I drew a monkey on the cover

(Thanks to Thy Bui at Orchard Books for her lovely cover designs)

You can see more of the Jiggy covers here
& read more about evolution here

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 26th February

I've never used the 'recent bereavement' method for dealing with cold callers but I did once conjure up a story about a colony of light sensitive 'mole people' whilst persuading a replacement window salesperson that their product was insufficiently opaque for my needs...

Original article here

(Article by Michael Holden)
Amid the debate around minimum pricing for alcohol, I should point out that, in six years of writing this column, it's been my experience that people who have paid more to get drunk say duller things while they're getting there. The cut-price drinker might reach oblivion faster and generally live a shorter life but, on balance, they get the better lines. This discourse from my local bargain hostelry being a case in point.

Man 1 "I told a feller on the phone my wife was dead."

Man 2 "But she's not?"

Man 1 "Nah, but it was the call centre. Three days in a row they'd asked for her, so I told them she was dead – and you could see it took the wind out their sails."

Man 2 "Well it would …"

Man 1 "I really turned it on, sobbing and that. Got quite into it. I could hear the feller was upset too. He said they'd delete the number – never call back."

Man 2 "A result then?"

Man 1 "Not really. Once I heard how moved he was I started to feel bad. I'm not cut out for the lying, you know."

Man 2 "It's true."

Man 1 "If I were, life would have been easier. Instead, I felt like one of those murderers who does a press conference for the person they've killed, asking for help and that."

Man 2 "But they drive you to it, though – the calls."

Man 1 "Maybe. Either way, I was glad when she walked through the door."

Man 2 "In case she had died?"

Man 1 "Yeah, which would have been typical of her."

Inexorable Slow Death of a Takeaway

Every time I pass this particular place on Berwick Street I feel like I'm watching the rather tragic inexorable slow death of a takeaway, in the knowledge that the previous occupants of the premises (hotdogs, sushi, mexican etc.) have all lasted around 6 months.
First of all they had installed a man on the door offering 'free meat' to passers by & recently a rather forlorn handwritten sign appeared, trumpeting the fact that they use 'a frying pan & NOT a microwave' to make breakfast but it still seems to remain empty.
I'm in the firm belief that certain buildings & retail premises are cursed, with the various occupants doomed to failure. Am wishing them well...

Lopsided copper

There's a copper with one very large ear on the beat around Soho

Happy People by Das Fluff

Ok, it's not illustration or animation but I make exquisite guitar noise with Das Flüff & wave megaphones around in a dangerous manner & thought you might want to hear this too
http://www.dasfluff.com

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 19th February

After playing with several Gypsy/carpark/well-known-cartoon-character-with-explicit drug-reference combinations I figured this illustratory* route would leave me less on the road to future legal action.
On the other hand the consumption of the kind of beer you only get in gold & black cans on public transport slightly appeals to me but purely for the fact of pissing Boris Johnson off. Me? Childish? You bet!
(I'll shut up, you can read the article here)

(Article by Michael Holden)
Having failed to visibly outrage anyone by drinking lager on the tube, the four young men sat opposite me seemed anxious to raise the stakes by talking openly about cannabis. First, though, they had a more immediate problem – one born of their initial transgression.

Man 1 (distressed) "I need a piss."

Man 2 "This isn't our stop!"

Man 1 (leaving the carriage) "I can't hold on. I'll meet you there."

Man 2 "What's up with him? He's only had, like, one pint."

Man 3 (looking at his can of lager) "I swam through my brother's sick on holiday. I thought it was coral at first – it was all in my goggles and shit. This was on the Great Barrier Reef. It's a sick country, Australia."

Man 4 "Fuck Australia!"

Man 2 (holding a bit of paper) "Make the roach nice, that was one of the first things I learned about smoking."

Man 4 "What's that?"

Man 2 (rolling it up) "It's my bus ticket, keep the white bit on the outside, you have to twist it. That way you get feedback."

Man 3 "Back in the day I used to think I was the don. I used to get bare stoned and just watch The Simpsons. Nobody knew. I was 13."

There was no reaction to this, so he upped the ante.

Man 3 "That was before I got expelled."

Man 4 "Do you wanna get off and fight?"

Man 3 "I fight Gypsies in car parks – like on that show."

Man 4 "Downgrade your status!"

With that they were off, checking as they went to see if anyone had noticed them.

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 12th February

Meh! Crappy illustration - what can I say - definitely an off day...

(article by Michael Holden)
Late one Saturday afternoon in a pub deserted save for myself, two pool players and the bar staff, who were watching Catchphrase on the TV, a man walked in looking anxious.

Man "I don't want to put you out, but can you stick the football on?"

The staff simultaneously turned forlorn, as though this would constitute a disaster.

Man (not quite believing what was happening) "What, you're actually watching this?"

Barman (sadly) "What match was it you wanted?"

Man "Eh?"

Barman (holding out his iPhone) "What score did you want? I can get it on my phone."

Man "It's the FA Cup, I want to watch the scores come in, for all the games."

Barman "Oh."

Man (rightly miffed) "I'd like to sit down and pay you the best part of four quid for a pint, while you – who are paid to be here – turn over the television which you, or whoever runs this pub, pays thousands of pounds a year to show live football on. It doesn't seem to me to be a lot to ask."

Barman (sort of standing up) "Well …"

Man (snapping) "Fucking Catchphrase … it hasn't been on for 10 years. Or is this a classic episode? One of the greats. 'Say what you see.' I'll say what I see: you lot in here, taking the piss."

Barman (relenting) "I'll turn it over."

Man (not having it and walking away) "No, you stay where you are. I'll go somewhere where it's not a problem. It's places like this that give drinking a bad name."

I looked around me, and he was right.

Bass monkey...

...that's all, nothing to see here - move along.

Rail Replacement Bus Service

Rainy grey Sunday in Hastings - am confronted with the four most chilling words in the English language 'Rail Replacement Bus Service' - the only people on the streets in St Leonards are a horde of dog-faced kids pointing at buses

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 5th February

Ok, ok, it's a real curtain not a digital one, & nope, he's not a wizard AT ALL!
(we're definitely not in Kansas any more either - I'm sure they don't make masturbation references in illustrations there - no sirree!)
Read original article here

(Article by Michael Holden)
Two men in a pub – reassured no doubt by the physical nature of their conversation – were speaking loudly about the benefits of doing things in the real, as opposed to the digital, world.

Man 1 "What time are the band on?"

Man 2 "11.15 I think."

Man 1 "You think?"

Man 2 (wearily) "I asked the venue. They have a site and I sent an email saying, 'When are they on?' The woman emailed me back and said, 'Why are you asking – are you in the band?'"

Man 1 (half laughing) "Jesus!"

Man 2 "The band have a site as well – I emailed them – they didn't get back to me."

Man 1 "This is the problem with the internet: everybody's got a fucking site – but who are the idiots behind them? I mean, if you were running a real business and you heard someone not answering the phone – or delivering basic information – you could step in."

Man 2 "You do wonder how much of this is driving the recession – digital idiocy, dressed up as work."

Man 1 "True. It's incompetence veiled behind a virtual curtain."

Man 2 "You pull back the curtain – and there's nothing there. No one."

Man 1 "Not even the Wizard of Oz. Not even an old man who might apologise and give you something useful."

Man 2 "Not even. Pull back the curtain and there's just someone there wanking off – going, 'Why? Are you in the band?'"

Man 1 (excited) "The wanker of Oz!"

Man 2 (happy to have worked out a phrase that those around him would be hearing a lot more of) "Exactly."

scruffy rabbit men

Obvious 'criminal types' I feel...