Guardian Guide June 14th

This week I just wanted to concentrate on the 'dog-on-string-soap-dodger' angle as I've been on the end of so many worthy but absolutely clueless self righteous rants from folk addled on cheap cider & cock awful 'tribal psy-trance' bollocks!

the article follows...

I was in a café sat adjacent to two girls and man in their mid twenties who would once have been described as “crusties,” though they presumably now enjoy some more contemporary title. Either way, matted hair and willful squalor was the overall vibe as they discussed their disappointment following a recent charity event.

Woman 1: (annoyed) “All that money at the gig that they collected they said it was going to Africa, right? That was the whole point.”

Woman 2: “Yeah, that was the whole point, right?”

Man: (quite exited at the thought of some wrongdoing) “No-you’re gonna tell us they nicked it?”

Woman 1: “No, but get this. They flew there on a plane! They got three returns to Africa out of it.”

Woman 2:(sensing something wrong in this but unable to find words to express exactly what) “Wah!”

Woman 1 “Yeah, so they got there and then it turns out they were just taking them art supplies, no food!”

Woman 2 “What, like pens ands things?”

Woman 1 “You know what I’m saying? This is Africa innit, take some tins. Take art supplies but come on, get your priorities sorted, take some food too.”

Man (forming what he evidently assumed was a lucid vision of the mechanics of global charity) “You can imagine the disappointment of the people that are hungry. When those three got off the plane-imagine the kid’s faces. They would be expecting some grains or something, and all they have is like…easels and shit.”

Woman 1 “It’s too much.”

Woman 2 (moving on) “What are you doing later?”

Woman 1 “I’m gonna go on line and look for a trip hop night.”

Man “Nice.”
-

Guardian All Ears 7th June

This week's copy...ruminations on cat indolence...



I arrived at an airport with several hours to spare and having made it to the departure lounge without let or hindrance and not consumed by the urge to buy a foot long Toblerone or try and win a car in a raffle there seemed little else to do but repair to the hideous “pub”. This proved a popular option and soon I was sharing a table with a couple fretting about their abandoned pet.

Man “I hope the cat’s O.K.”

Woman “It’ll be fine.”

Man “I worry about him.”

Woman “ I dunno why, it’s not like he’s gonna get into a trouble, he never does anything when we’re there, I don’t imagine he gets up to much when we’re away.”

Man “You never know…”

Woman “You never know what? You think it’s gonna have some friends over and wreck the place?”

Man “No, I mean…”

Woman “What?”

Man (as though revealing a guilty secret) “They get lonely”

Woman “He’s too lazy to be lonely.”

Man “That’s not fair!”

Woman “The other day I was watching him and he was staring straight at the sun. I couldn’t figure out why an animal would do that and then I thought-perhaps it’s easier than dilating your pupils, perhaps it’s his way of doing even than less than he was doing anyway-which was nothing-just lying on his back looking at the sun in the sky.”

Man “The Egyptians…”

Woman “Don’t even start with the Egyptians, they built the pyramids. You worship a cat and you won’t even put up a shelf.”

Guardian All Ears 31st May

Five Star haven't figured in my imagination for quite a while but this week's copy for 'All Ears' has changed that irrevocably....


I was in a bookshop whose layout made no sense to me, searching for something but not about to ask for any assistance when I noticed a couple talking to one another across a giant display of discounted hardbacks. They spoke so loudly the subtext of their conversation seemed to be ‘Check it out everyone, we’re in a bookshop!’ Perhaps it was their first time.

Woman (leafing through a huge volume of collected British pop facts) “Were Five Star from Britain?”

Man (genuinely surprised) “Are you kidding me?”

Woman (miffed, showing him the book) “Well they’re in here…”

Man (Essex accent becoming more pronounced) “I can’t believe you asked me that, they’re from down my way innit? Romford. ‘System Addict’ that was a tune. When did it come out? ”

Woman (studying the tome) “1986”

Man “Whoah, that’s what, twenty odd years. This is making me feel old now. What was the album?”

Woman (losing interest) “I dunno…they made loads…”

Man (excited) “Silk and Steel! Oh yeah, I had that. What happened to them?”

Woman (annoyed with the lack of further information) “I doesn’t say, this is just lists.”

Man “I remember they moved to a big house. They had a private disco and a fair and all that, like Jacko. Cars, you name it. Except this was in Berkshire maybe, they left Essex, I remember that.”

Woman “Did they have a monkey?”

Man “Not in Berkshire. I don’t think they’re allowed.”

Things I hate Pt 5a

...people who peddle LIES like this

(see 'spiders')

Things I hate Pt 5

Bastards...bastards...bastards!

& don't get me started on...

Guardian 25th May

Guardian 25th May - loved the copy for this one ...

I was on a bus where the sunshine combined with the vehicle’s created a climate that was testing enough when a man got on who was so angry that in cooler conditions steam might feasibly have come from his ears. As it was he just sweated along with everyone else as he berated the woman he came in with for someone else’s mistakes.

Woman “You should never have paid them”

Man “I didn’t realise they hadn’t fixed it properly till I rode off, it had all new parts”

Woman “You shouldn’t have paid till you’d ridden it…”

Man “Bike shops are turning to shit. They were all sat about listening to Radiohead, it was like they were doing me a favour. This Russian mechanic rides it round the block and says there’s no problem. I tell him he’s gotta be joking. As soon as I got back on it you could hear the gears were slipping still!”

Woman (dutifully) “So what happened then?”

Man “It got worse. He starts saying it’s ‘cos the bikes dirty-taking me for an idiot-says, ‘when did you last ride it?’ I lost it then, said ‘I rode it here, you prick!’ He backs off into his garage a bit then, but he tells me I want it all doing on the cheap. I said ‘I just asked you to fix it and you haven’t.’”

Woman “You shouldn’t have paid them.”

Man “Well I just lost it then, after the mechanic’s skulked off I ask the other one, who’s picking at his beard with a pencil-stoned I reckon-if this is normal-he says, ‘well I can book you in for anther service.’ I walked out then, I wasn’t having that.

Woman “And now you’re taking the bus…”

Man (looking about him with disdain) “Innit. I might learn to drive, drive the car through the bike shop window…”

Things I hate Pt 4

Just...keep them away...please...